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Sun 8 Jan, 2017 12:54 pm
We meet 6 years ago. He had been married for 15 years. For the first five, he told me he was never leaving. I chose to stay. Then in year 6, he told me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me. He moved out of his house and into an apartment. He said he wanted to take it slow because he was breaking her heart and tearing his family apart. He didn't want her to know about me yet. Fine.
3 months into him leaving, she finds that he has started seeing another person. Crap hits the fan. He continues to want to be gentle about the situation. So for the next few months, he plays us both, telling me he loves me and wants to be with me, telling her that he misses his family. Meanwhile, he convinces me to change careers, that he will take care of my while I try to open my new business. Month 9, he moves in with me. I've still only met his children (ages 10 and 6 once), for a few minutes. We start doing work on my house. All the while, his soon to be ex is making life hell on him, keeping the kids away, calling all the time, guilt. She's entitled to her hurt but she doesn't get to use the kids. He tells me to stomach through it. That we can make it. 2 months later, he's moved back with her. My house is a shambles, I'm broke with no income trying to make it. I'm possibly going to have to go on welfare and I can't even sell my house because of all the half projects.
She still doesn't know how long we've had an affair. She thinks I was merely a fling while he found himself. I need my house fixed. I'm considering telling him that if he doesn't help, I'm going to expose him slowly and painfully. Not just to her, but to his family and his church. And I'll do it through the intimate details, the loving letters and cards, the places we went, etc...
Any advice on pros and cons of this path?
Pros: none.
Cons: you won't get him back, it's wrong, it's cruel, it's unfair (you were a willing partner in the affair), you would be the female equivalent of an 'asshole', you would look really stupid.
@centrox,
I don't want him back, truly, I'm done. My sole motivation is to get back on my feet financially. He helped put me there; he should help get me out.
And I was a willing partner as long as he wasn't lying to me and giving me false hope. Like I said, I was in this for 5 years before he ever said anything about us being together.
So what I said about blackmail being cruel wrong, and unfair were so much babble to you?
@centrox,
No but I'm ok with those, as I am ok with being an ahole. Small price to pay to keep from having to go on food stamps. I am at that point.
This all is between you and him. Leave her and the kids out of it.
Make a list of all the unfinished projects that prevent you from selling your house (really, there can't be much - most things are cosmetic which new buyers want to change anyway. Are these structural or major? )
Tell him to arrange the repair or give you the $$ so you can complete them.
You MAY have legal recourse on him if he led you to believe that he was going to repair your home and then bailed out on it. Think of him as an unreliable contractor.
@PUNKEY,
Ok, now this is advice I can deal with. Whenever I'd get mad at him, he'd say, "I've got skin in the game too." Well his skin is intact and I'm dirt poor. And the repairs are major, not cosmetic. I don't mind giving him a dead line to pay me for the work needed.
Did he live rent free? If yes then you should say it was on condition to complete the work...Verbal Agreement. It is enforcible in court. In court the length of your affair can come out to where his wife would know...This is not blackmail. So...Would he like to settle out of court? This time get it in writing. Figure out the amount...Small claims court? You do the need a lawyer. Does he have oodles of neat assets and money...Get a lawyer on contingency.
I'd steer away from blasting him in the community or to his wife/kids. His kids go to school with other kids and parents talk. It would greatly affect them.
As for his wife who knows what BS he is spinning to her. It sounds like you knew he was married the entire time and you knew what you were getting into. You were the mistress and you took that chance (if I am wrong then please let me know).
Put yourself in her shoes. She has two kids with a man that's she has been with for over a decade. She built her entire future around him. He's probably telling her that it was a mistake and that he promises it will never happen again... then the second they get in a disagreement he'll be right back in your bed.
I wouldn't hold my breathe on getting anything from him... he can't even give a commitment to his own wife plus he supports two children.
She's already miserable enough and probably heart broken as well. Just walk away before anyone gets hurt more.
I was the wife. I have the two kids. I married the ahole. I've been through it on her side. It hurts just as much as your side. Forgive me for lack of sympathy as my opinion is biased in a sense. You may have been convenient when things were getting tough at home. He used you just like he used her and you know it.
Also if you ended up with him... he would have done the same to you... which he did in a sense when he went back to her.
@whoiamnow,
whoiamnow wrote:
I don't want him back, truly, I'm done. My sole motivation is to get back on my feet financially. He helped put me there; he should help get me out.
I should point out that
Blackmailing someone for money is illegal. You could go to jail.
And... I also think that blaming him for a situation you jumped into willingly is a little shallow. You knew you were having sex with someone elses husband. You don't have the moral right to play victim.
You should walk away from this mess and decide to be a better person in the future.
@whoiamnow,
Does he talk to you at all? If he does, I agree that you need to make a list with the $ amounts included, as well as him helping you out for your time spent on this and then take it from there. Its now simply a business transaction.
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