Sat 7 Jan, 2017 01:52 am
Need some advice. I am in a long distance relationship - its been official for about 6 months, however we've been seeing each other for just about a year. He left at the end of summer for work overseas. I want someone else's opinion, not my friends. My friends will always agree with me and its not fair. I need an honest person.
This is my first real relationship. I had no idea what to expect but I’m the kind of girl that knows what she wants. I have been with some very good looking men. I have also “talked” to many celebrities but I am not into that kind of life. Ill admit I am very picky and have always wanted to wait till I found the perfect guy and I thought my current bf was. Everything he did for me was out of this world, he treated me perfect. We still have those days where I'm so happy and everything is just right. I get along with his family- I fit in. It feels different with him. He is handsome (he doesn't think so), so so so smart (very good job), always wants attention its cute. I can't explain it everything is perfect- but then read below and you will see what going on.
Also, My parents aren’t the biggest fan- they think I’m settling just to “settle” and that I can do a lot better. I am not into the whole “looks” - personality is key. But they do think he is a good guy, just not right for me.
Once he moved.. things went downhill. We talk everyday- I mean morning to night. I stay up to say good morning and hell stay up as late as he can to say goodnight. I have had days where I was unsure if I was able to do the distance.. it was a lot… He helped me through it, we stuck with it and I tried my best.
My bf decided to do his first trip back in September. We call each other every night and he decided to tell me 2 days before he left. He said he booked flights and is going “alone” (Keep in mind my bf has lived here before on exchange with school so he has friends all around Europe) I asked him why he never told me and he said I was busy at work today and it was a last min deal so he grabbed it. Anyway, I didn’t say anything just how fun it would be but in my head I was a little concerned because it was out of the blue and alone?? Im the kind of girl that will glady research flights for him trying to find the “best price” etc and he didn’t include me in his search, he just went ahead and booked it.
Anyway, the day came and he left and he was constantly texting me showing me the beautiful city and it was all around awesome! I was extremely happy for him. He then proceeded to tell me that he was going to meet up with an old friend and go for drinks. This then turned into a house warming party at his friends friend’s new apartment. I didn’t care I was just glad he was having fun and not worrying about work. He was telling me where he was, etc and I was happy thats what I believe a bf should do! That evening I went on our “couple” app to upload a funny meme… and noticed his location was not where he said he was. Im talking a different country all together. I confronted him and showed him and he denied it saying he’s not there. I asked him again he said he was “confused” I asked again and he said he just checked google maps and he was in this country and had no idea. I called bullshit and said you have to cross a huge bridge to get into this country so you knew this whole time. Finally he admitted and I was extremely disappointed. He firstly lied a few times even when I confronted him. He told me he only found out that night that he was going to a different country and didn’t wanna throw it on me last minute. We got into a huge fight and he was defending himself and eventually apologized and took the blame. Later on I find out he knew about going to this country like going from one to the other since he booked the flight ( his mom knew as well). Also, I found out he didn’t book the flight when he said he did, it was a few days before he told me.
I forgave him and gave him another chance. I found out he lied about his ex girlfriend- he was in a long distance relationship previously and I found out from his MOM that they lived together. Just randomly chatting with her and she brought up his past and I sat there like an idiot pretending to know. He never told me any of this. He told me this was his first and it was going to be difficult and we would work through it together. Why couldn’t u just say it before? Whats the big deal? Why lie? Also his ex (his only other girlfriend) apparently cheated on him.
Anyway a few weeks later he came to visit (keep in mind he came to visit me every month it was very sweet - I’m not allowed to visit, my parents are very strict and don’t think its appropriate given they have only known him for a few months)
He brought up how he was thinking of going to X country with his roommate and I was all for it. Ive always wanted to go to X country it looks amazing. After a while I realized, that was random, its hard to explain it was a had to be there moment but why would he bring that up? So I asked him if he already bought flights. He said no. I asked him again. He said No. I asked him one more time, he said ya he did a while back. Another lie, I was felt so disrespected. Whats the big deal? Why can’t you tell me? Clearly the lies are ruining our relationship.
We had a huge chat one night about our relationship, etc and what makes us uncomfortable and so forth. He brought up how he doesn’t feel like he needs to go out and doesn’t want to. He’s not “into” the party scene and going out is really “looking for hookups” I agreed. I haven’t been out since we started dating, I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I’m drunk and with singles - just respect for him. I myself don’t need to go out as well, I’ve never been into the party scene. Anyway, it was nice that we were both on the same page and didn’t have to worry about having a party bf/gf.
My bf went to X country and stayed in a. Mixed hostel with his roommate. He met people at the hostel party that night got drunk and told me 10 min before they went out that he’s going out to party. (Yes they were with girls) I told him okay, have fun. I felt a little betrayed due to the conversation we had a few nights ago about partying, respect, etc. He was the one to bring it up and I agreed. Anyway he got drunk went out and stayed out till about 3 am (ill repeat he was with a group of people from his hostel- mixed hostel. And yes there were a lot of girls with them.) I barely talked to him that night. He could tell I was a little upset but hey he was drunk and having fun I wanted to give him his space. Next day we got into a huge fight about everything. Why tell me one thing ( how he doesn’t wanna go out etc, and a few days later do the opposite?) I find that disrespectful and so rude. If you want to party you tell me. Im pretty cool and I’m all for him having fun. But when you lie and say one thing.. and do the other I can’t tolerate that. WE ended up fixing things.
First night back home for Christmas. He had a soccer game and wanted to spend time with his family after the game since he hasn’t seen them in a long time. I completely respected that. Family is so important to me. I get a text after the soccer game saying that he’s going to his friends house. I was confused and thought he wanted time with his family. Texts me again and tells me he’s going to play board games at his other friends house. Eventually I find out they actually just spent the night smoking weed. So basically blew off me, and his family to spend the night at his friends smoking weed. What a champ.
Next day was our day to hang. Went over his house to have dinner with his family and find out half way through the night that his old highSchool was having a party and he didn’t want to go. I said is it because I’m here? He said no I wanna spend time with you. 15 minutes later 2 of his friends come over drunk and were all preeing for this party? So were actually now going to this party.. ? You just said you wanted to spend time with me, but hey ill go. Anyway, lets just say his friends are nuts. At an old highscjool reunion and they are all in the basement doing some next level drugs. One of his friends has a gf and told random girls that he was single (he was leaving in 3 days for a trip to Cuba with her - how nice)
Next is New Years. About 18 of us going and my bf wanted points for his amex so he put the booths and bottle service on his card. Keep in mind his friends were going as well as my best friends, and my best friends boyfriends friends. So my bf and his friends are already at the house where we are staying for the night. Some of my friends have not met him yet and were pretty excited. WE get there and my boyfriends is GONE. Absolutely drunk out of his mind. Its New Years I’m glad your having fun but I could tell he was not going to make it till 12. Anyway this extremely mean side came out and he started asking everyone for the money. Everyone had the money we were gunna pay him (he literally just put it on his card a day ago) All my girls paid him and my best friends bf and his friends were still collecting the money. He had aboutt 3 more of his friends to collect and they were going to send a massive etransfer the next day. I saw the money in his bank he wasn’t lying it was New Years everyone just wanted to have fun. Anyway my boyfriend and his friends started getting aggressive and stayed upstairs pouting while everyone was downstairs having fun. He started saying how no one was going to get into the club until people paid him, or how he was going to knock them out. I was in shock, I have never seen this side before. It was embarrassing I didnt know what to do. My friends bf who is honestly the sweetest guy went up to him and showed him and said ill transfer this right now- my bf goes no don’t worry about it just sent it tomorrow. So we get into the users and my boyfriend is literally still so pissed out. I couldn’t even have a conversation with him without him saying no has paid me yet. We get to the club and him and his friends book it to the line. He doesn’t wait for me or even acknowledge that I was there. My friend saw how upset I was and took me to the restaurant beside the club to go to the washroom ( I was in tears ) We get back and everyone is inside, including my boyfriend. We are pacing back and forth trying to get inside and no one is letting us in. Finally i go up to a male secruity and he lets my friend and I to the front of the line and inside. Boyfriend finally shows up and goes omg where did u go I tried to get u in. He was super drunk and couldn’t even speak. At the booth he’s still drinking and we barely talked. Overtime we did it was about the money. His friends were literally asking the guys at our booth for money before they took a drink - it was so emabrrising. FInally midnight came and he came up to me to give me a kiss. I said please just leave me alone. He got so mad and stormed out of the club with his friend. (He had the keys for everyone to get back in to the Airbnb) I literally sat at this booth the whole night in tears questioning everything. Finally decided to go back to the Airbnb and all my friends were on my side. Everyone was so dissapointed. I get back and find him sleeping in the bed. I wake him up to talk and he turns his head. My friend states “he just doesn’t care” I wake up him up again and we finally started talking. I said why did u act like this tonight. He goes “**** off” and turns around. This is where I broke down. I couldn’t believe it. No one has ever told me to **** off before, ever. My friend was in utter shock, she knows I deserve better and honestly deserve to be treated right. Im an extremely nice person, I get a long with everyone, and all around would do anything for anyone. My boyfriend knows this too and said one of the many reasons why he “loves me”
Anyway I sat there in shock and told my friend to go I needed to talk with him. He sat in bed while I sat on the floor- in tears and he was just so rude. He was still extremely drunk but I was just in shock. Woke up the next day and cleaned the Airbnb. He went home with his friend and I went with mine. He called me later and his friend told him everything he did. He didn’t believe it- he was blackout that night. We met up that evening to discuss, and he was in shock - he couldn’t believe he told me to **** off.
He promised me 2017 he was going to change. To give him another chance to prove. I never mentioned early but we always talk about the future. He seems very sincere and serious about spending the rest of our lives together. What do I do? He’s back at work now and honestly I don’t know what to do. Do I give ANOTHER chance? Am I still sticking around for a reason? What would you do?
Long distance relationships are hard at the best of times. You already know this guy lies and abuses alcohol and drugs. And his alcohol abuse is serious - black-out drinking can kill you. And that all goes beyond your relationship.
Your parents are right. You can do a lot better.
The way he gets when drinking should be a red flag. Blackouts!!
His escalating drug use should be a red flag.
His blowing you off to spend time with friends ahead of your needs should be a red flag.
His lies and inconsistent behavior should be a red flag.
Question is: Do you SEE and ACCEPT that there are red flags?