3
   

My husband moved out today and we are both confused

 
 
Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 12:55 am
situation: married for several years, no kids, both have good careers and have spent many happy moments together. No cheating, physical or verbal abuse....just everything seems to be breaking down. We both knew things were amiss and thought perhaps we weren't communicating clearly.

Our disagreements and/or silence has been increasing for months, saw several therapists and realized they just weren't helping us move forward. Issues we didn't know existed seem to have cropped up:

1) husband thinks he doesn't want kids but I might (even I'm not sure), but since we're mid 30s and the same age, the bio clock is on for me. He doesn't seem concerned about this.

2) no sex - both saw the issue and tried to improve but it's now been months. I try to initiate, husband says he's tired and the one time we tried he said he was tired and couldn't finish. It makes me sad since I work hard at staying in shape, I feel so rejected despite trying everything to keep him attracted.

3) husband has hidden prescription drug, alcohol and cigarette addiction - this sounds like someone on a bender, but he is high functioning - I knew he was drinking a bit much but until recently discovered he smokes and takes major prescriptions. When I approached him about this, he said I had seen it before and wasn't making an effort to help him - how can I help when this major addiction problem is new to me? And if he's hidden these so well from me, what else is he hiding?

He moved out today as we both agreed we needed some space to both collect our thoughts. I'm crying so much because neither of us know if this is worth saving if we can't eventually get on the same page. Thoughts?
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 08:59 am
@Confused222,
He needs treatment for addiction. Regardless of whether you, personally, think therapists have helped at all in the past. He needs to go to his primary care physician and get referred to an addiction specialist.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 12:31 pm
My belief, whether you agree or like it or not, is that you did know something was going on with him, and have chosen to deny it to yourself.

No amount of mouthwash, gum, air freshener etc. could have kept you from knowing he was smoking to the extent that you would call it addictive. If he can go for hours while at home/with you, including sleeping hours, he isn't a heavy smoker, or is enjoying the occassional cigarette.

If you are choosing not to acknowledge you can smell it, even a whiff, on his skin, mouth, clothes, hair, car etc you are also ignoring the signs of his drug use.

You knew he was "drinking a bit much"? In other words, you knew he was really drinking a lot, too much, but for whatever reason need to say "I just didn't realize"

I absolutely believe what your husband said about your seeing it.

I'm not saying he doesn't need help, but you need to acknowledge for both of your sakes you knew something was up.

From the little you wrote, I see patterns of this in other areas of your relationship. You've really thought you've gone an entire year without sex because he was "tired"? Then, instead of exploring that, you make it about yourself saying you've kept yourself in shape, as if that's all it would take.

I don't understand how people can go into a marriage without already deciding the having kids issue. If both people are living this "not sure" stuff, guess what, you'll end up with a kid or 2, then it will be too late for you to decide it was a mistake. But, that happens all the time, so, you're not too different from others that just let nature take its course, and let it make up your mind for you. At this moment this guy doesn't sound like any kind of father material.

The reason he's out of the house is that he feels he can now smoke, drink, take drugs (as if your saying it's "perscription drugs" makes it not as bad), not worry about sex when he really just wants to be under the influence. Because he doesn't have to (unsuccesfully) hide what he's doing. At this moment, he feels a big relief.

Why do I feel so strongly you knew? Because I've been on both sides of it. Both being the abuser and years later saying to someone "You knew, admit it" and being on the end of being barely able to keep it in the road, and it was just easier to pretend another person wasn't doing what I could see with my own eyes. How do I know at the moment he feels relief? Been there too.

Please don't come back with the tired "you don't know me" thing. Yeah, I do know you, and I know your husband. I've met you both many times before.

0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 04:50 pm
This is going to take patience on your part.

You must let him go so he can hit "bottom"' i.e. realizes what he has lost due to his drug/alcohol use and gets some help.

In the meantime, attend free Alanon meetings or get into counseling with an addiction specialist counselor.

Find out the definition of enabler and co-dependent. You have accepted addiction and loss of marital intimacy as normal.
Confused222
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 10:09 pm
@PUNKEY,
Really appreciate all the honest responses - it's on me to fix this at this point.
Confused222
 
  1  
Reply Sat 7 Jan, 2017 10:12 pm
@Confused222,
I guess what I'm trying to ask, further to the point, is if it's worth saving after two people commit to going through drug therapy? At what point should we reassess the relationship or are we both wasting our time?
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  4  
Reply Sun 8 Jan, 2017 12:40 am
@Confused222,
Confused222 wrote:

Really appreciate all the honest responses - it's on me to fix this at this point.


No it's not. It's up to you to fix yourself.

He has to fix him, if he wants to.
0 Replies
 
LastAcorn
 
  0  
Reply Tue 10 Jan, 2017 10:41 pm
@Confused222,
I’m sorry about your situation -- this must be difficult. Don’t blame yourself for your husband’s addiction problem, but encourage him to seek the help he clearly needs. Also, I would suggest you see a counselor -- don’t just give up on your relationship yet, okay? ((Hugs))
0 Replies
 
 

Related Topics

 
  1. Forums
  2. » My husband moved out today and we are both confused
Copyright © 2017 MadLab, LLC :: Terms of Service :: Privacy Policy :: Page generated in 0.03 seconds on 01/19/2017 at 08:53:51