My lover has ended the affair - help!

Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 11:26 am
I hope someone out there can help me.
I'm a married man of 46. A year ago, I started to become close to a work colleague. She's 10 years younger than me - she's smart, funny and I was attracted to her. She told me quite early on that the relationship she had with her husband was unsatisfactory. He worked away a lot. They lived separate lives.
We started to see more of each other - talking, laughing, getting closer.
I left my job. She came to my leaving party hoping that was the night something might happen. I thought that, too.
Instead, I spread myself so thinly with all the people who turned up I barely spoke to her. She was cross with me. So she got off with my 27 year old, handsome young colleague. She did this right in front of me. It was awful.

She texted me the next day as if nothing had happened. We had a row, our first big row. She was so sorry, so full of remorse, that I met her at a nearby bar. We kissed. And from the ashes of that terrible night, our affair started.

We got closer and closer. The sex was fantastic.

But then she told me her husband had found out about us, that he wanted the family to move away. And that was that.
Except he hadn't found out. She lied. She lied because it was easier to tell me he had found out about us and for her to move away than it was to finish the relationship, I guess.

Yet we talked about it - man, we talked about a lot - and we carried on. She moved. Our affair continued.

That was three months ago. It's been hard since then. We talk every day. We text constantly. We see each other only occasionally. The distance is a problem. But we have soldiered on.

Then her husband found an email I sent her, an email which pretty much laid our affair wide open. They have started marriage counselling. He has messaged me and told me to keep away. He wants to save their marriage.
She has stayed with him.

I know it's over. We have nothing left. My children are taking their exams. I don't want to leave them while they are doing that. Her children are younger. She adores them.

So I know. I know we can't have anything.
And yet she keeps messaging me, saying she's thinking of me, that she still loves me. I still love her. I can't let go. I can't. I have no will power. I feel useless.

It's an awful situation.

I wonder if anyone has ever experienced anything like this and can help me out here?

Thanks - and I apologise for my behaviour. I know how it sounds.
Mark. x
Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 11:32 am
If you really want to let her go, block her on all forms of social media. Block her phone numbers. Don't visit. Don't write. Don't drive by looking wistfully.

And I would suggest marriage counseling as well. At least give your wife a head's up that things aren't fantastic because that would at least be a kind and mature thing to do for someone who is completely innocent in all of this.
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Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 11:45 am
Mark7 wrote:
My children are taking their exams. I don't want to leave them while they are doing that.

time to get yourself and your wife into counselling to help both of you through the dissolution of the marriage. the children will need support with it as well.

don't dither about it.
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Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 12:22 pm
'I feel useless."

That should be "used."

What do you want her to do? Leave him and get divorced?
Will you do the SAME?

Sounds like you both just want the AFFAIR to go on. Her husband objects.

What does your wife think? Oh, she doesn't know?

Its too bad that you have sucked all the life out of your marriage and given it to a woman who likes to lie and tease. Yes, you have been used.
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Reply Tue 3 Jan, 2017 02:38 pm
She sounds like an immature person, if her response to you being busy with others was to get with her colleague in front of you. And then the lies about her husband finding out.

Sounds to me like you are a nice person who got caught up in something because something was missing in your own life. maybe you could go into counseling and figure out what you need/want.

I do agree with others about blocking on social media and phone #'s. I went through a painful breakup that was not my choice and the best thing he did was block me. Didn't feel like it at the time, but now I'm grateful.
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