Explicitly sexual photos of an ex

While I'm at it - there's nothing new about this.

My grandmother had photos like this that were taken around 1920.

There is just nothing new about it.

There were probably sketches and sculptures of partners that were sexually explicit long before there were cameras.

vikorr, re the first part of the above....guijohn is a troll and just says whatever he feels will create a stir.
punkey about 95% of the time misses the point of what's going on, and seems to think it's still the 1950's.
The only people I can think of who would ask "Why would he keep such a thing are usually really young and immature, and can't imagine that one day they aren't going to be with this "love of their life" By the time you've had some life experience, you realize you can't dictate what someone keeps as momentos.
That's what these pictures are, mementos. Private ones.

I personally don't know any woman that would have the attitude their love interest has to get rid of personal things . As long as he keeps in out of their lives, keep whatever you want.


So, you've had 2 women so far reply they wouldn't, and don't know any women that would have this attitude, yet you, a man I assume, seem to know all about what most women would feel.

Unless someone is some kind of drama addict, you learn to role with the punches, and not make a big deal about stuff like this.

I still maintain that sexual photos of an ex have no place in a new relationship.

Way too intimate and too personal. The OP is upset. That's reason to get rid of them.

(No one is talking about the other woman either. Wonder how she feels that those photos were found in a closet. Bet she thinks they have been destroyed)

I think both of us are just pointing out to you that someone who comes onto a forum as a one hit wonder and asks such a personal question, apparantly hoping others will be on her side, is probably young, and not that experienced in the ways of keeping the ship on course.

As an aside....I had a couple of pictures of my first love, from back in the 1970's. I knew him from the age of 16 to 21. He was very kind to me.

I kept them in some what-not box, and probably looked at them 5 or 6 times in the last 20 some years. Usually when moving the box for some reason, and taking the glance inside at that, and other contents of the box. Just mementos like ticket stubs, a couple letters, some other pictures.

About a year ago, I discovered through looking around on the internet, that he died a few years ago in a car crash. His car flipped and he was DOA.

You can bet I went on purpose and looked for those photos.

I'm so glad I was never in a situation where some man expressed even discomfort at them, and that I didn't even have to think about throwing them out to assuage someone else.

I'm going to go look at those photos right now.

So you're saying every time you go into a new relationship, you have to dump something that obviously mean something to you, because the other person is upset?

Oh man, **** that.

Yeah, and in 6 months when you break up, there you are kicking yourself for being so stupid.

The solution is the guy needs to keep private things in a private place that is accessible only to him.

Can't say I do either. If you find that response confusing in the context of the thread, it may have to do with the broadness of your statement, which is so very much broader than the context of this thread.

I like your example, and I think it's a healthy attitude. That said, I'm not sure that I can see how this is comparable to "explicitly graphic photos of him with an ex from 5 years ago"?

In the end, I'm not going to imply that any woman is wrong for being upset at finding what our OP found upsetting. Nor am I going to imply that Punkey is wrong, or immature to ask why anyone would want to keep them around...those sort of feelings are usually very genuine, and I have a lot of time for genuine feelings. That you can make an accomodation, or modify your beliefs/feelings to make an accomodation with this sort of thing, does not mean those that don't or can't, are wrong.

This to me, is something that can be viewed either way, without either side being 'wrong' or 'right'.

I like your example, and I think it's a healthy attitude. That said, I'm not sure that I can see how this is comparable to "explicitly graphic photos of him with an ex from 5 years ago"?


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Did I say they weren't......or were.

Why would that be something you would assume to know?

Win something?

No.

I am trying to point out to you that you are misrepresenting what people have said in this thread. I'm not sure if it is because you don't know what gender most of the posters are or if our posts don't match your expectation of gender responses.

Wonderful...other than yourself, there were 2 men, 1 woman who answered. Not much of a sample size, granted. How about we leave that out since you seem so hung up on it.

What I have experienced in my own life doesn't match what has occurred since (my op) in this thread. Is that a big deal? Not to me. Forums like these tend to attract specific types of people. People hang around with different types of friends. And socioeconomics and cultures affect social norms. So experiences differ. Such is life. I wouldn't have thought a difference of opinion such a big deal.

So it seems to me...as this keeps getting brought up over and over...while I keep pointing out it's only perspective...that only one side in this discussion is trying to win what is essentially different experiences and perspective.

And I wonder why they keep bothering trying to win...as I mentioned much earlier, it's a discussion that doesn't lead anywhere.

Chai, Osso, Punkey and I are women.

I'm aware of that. At what stage in this thread had only 2 men, and 1 woman, other than yourself, provided responses? What started this conversation, for you?

This was an illicit affair of three years. I am still not sorry. From day one I knew it was temporary, not least because he had a rep with a certain nurse.

Hey, it was her fault for marrying a Sicilian. I say that tongue in cheek, but not entirely.

We talked a bunch of years later as I was calling another coworker (no, not re sex) and this guy was the one the desk sent the connection...
good talk, what we were doing pushing 3o years later. I suppose he could not have guessed my later life in art and design. I learned about him, his divorce something like 20 years after us, and his new wife.

Why?

It actually worries me a bit that this man has not taken better care of the privacy of his ex. Obviously a discussion needs to take place re where the photos are kept, but if I were the ex, I would be very unhappy that explicit photos of me that I shared with my then lover were relatively easily available for viewing by anyone else.

Given that I don't know how much snooping was actually done by the thread progenitor I am not sure if the guy is a bit reckless re others' privacy or not, but I'd advise anyone else going out with him to be bloody careful about what photos are taken

I will add that my first involvement re the internet was on Abuzz, username picked quickly, right after they wouldn't let me use Pizza as a screen name.
Since it ends in "o", I get taken as male. This isn't always a bad thing.

as far as I can tee it ends in p

I don't know how to answer.

Remember the moon landing? we were on the floor in front of the tv.

I do agree from time to time that I'm just bad.

As a reminder to myself, I'm referencing back to the original post of the OP.

As highlighted, she isn't having a problem with the fact there are photos like this. So I guess we can all throw out any conversations had about the OP's or anyone's feeling about having such photos around.

However, addressing this issue, ragman and ehBeth both started out with saying she needs to talk to the BF. Ragman said it best. Just say to him what you said to us.

I will say I did let punkeys first post asking rhetorical questions (How could he forget to clean out his closet, why would he keep them anyway) and then calling him a ditz and lecturing how he "needs to be more sensitve, colored my response of saying it's his property, and he can keep it if he wants. This of course then led to the great men/women debate.

As far as snooping, I'm trying to be impartial, but I don't see much opportunity for the OP to have innocently coming across pictures (plural) that were each one all sitting out in such a way that she didn't have to be actively moving things around, opening stuff, searching for, well, nothing specific, just to see what was there. Frankly, if there was boyfriend stuff around, beyond moving boxes, bags, other containers aside to make room, she had no business looking into anything that belonged to him without permission. That goes back to the question as to if the pictures were just spread out where anyone could walk in and see them by just standing there.

She could come back and say "I was just curious". This has led me to do some thinking about the difference between curiosity and snooping.

Now, this is just my take on it. I look at being curious about something meaning that you are interesting in learning/finding out, but knowing that you need to be able to accept whatever is found, because, well, that's the way it is.
You may or may not like your findings, but you have to accept them, because you went into it simply wanting to know what makes something, ticks. Caveat, this of course doesn't include finding about about unknown abuse, illegal activities that need to be reported, etc.

Snooping around for something on the other hand, means you can have any number of opinions and emotions about what you found, and want to change what, why how, when if you don't like it.

This OP doesn't mind the photos themselves, if what she says is true, just doesn't like that she saw them, and would like them put away.

She just needs to talk to the boyfriend about that.

If she doesn't feel she can, she needs to figure out a way to put them out of her mind.

Yeah, it would suck if the ex girlfriend thought they were destroyed, or didn't want them seen, etc. We don't know what her feelings are though, or what her understanding is as to what has happened to them, or not.