Calling all mistresses (and men too)

@Tiger81

I am 41, a widow, married for 12 beautiful years, no children. My darling husband died of heart disease. I was blessed to have spent a good part of my life with a man who was happy and satisfied with one woman.

I have decided to go back to school and obtain my Masters in Psychology and Marriage Counselling. There are so many broken marriages in the world we live in today. There is so much cheating going on that the ratio of people cheating is quadruple the amount of those who are not.

I speak out against cheating and affairs because i work in environment where i see first hand the destruction they cause. There is an ugly side to having an affair that people don't like to talk about.

Like i said in my other posts, i do not insult you for what you are doing but one thing i do know is that you will have life long pain as a result of what you are doing. No matter how beautiful they seem to be on the outside affairs always leave a scar on the in.

With that i bow out of your thread.

My condolences to you on the loss of your husband.

I am very sorry for your loss.
However being one man woman how can you understand us, those who aren't like you? I mean I WAS like you for 23 years! Wife picture perfect!
But thing happened. I saw him and my heart stopped. Can you counsel me about it? I am all ears...

I really just wanted to hear other people's stories, and discuss them. Its not an easy road to be on, but I would prefer to try my best with this man and fail than always wonder what could have happened.

Some times we meet the right person at the wrong time and just roll the dice.

I sued to be sanctimonious and hold myself above everyone else. But I have now realized that if he and I had run into each other when I was married, I most likely would have cheated on my husband. Its not pretty, but its honest.

I was (am?) the Other Woman for a couple of years, at first without my knowledge and eventually as a willing participant. I could write a book on all the twists and turns, but I'll try not to. I've only ever found one online support group for us "others" that didn't get overtaken by trolls, and unfortunately, that site later shut down. I'd be willing to try again, though admittedly I've got one foot out the door. But then, don't we always?

If there's one thing I learned by being involved in an OW support group, it's that most of us needed the support because we were at war with ourselves. Part of us was committed -- or dare I say "addicted" -- to the relationship. The other part of us was realistic, agonizing over the reality that this couldn't continue forever. Not like this. Not in secret. Eventually we'll be found out. Or cut off. Or, in the off chance it ends with us riding off into the sunset, we'll be ridiculed even by those who love us. One way or another, an end will come to the secret bliss. It isn't fun to know that, but it's true.

My situation is perhaps made worse by the fact that I am single. I have to force that out of my mouth each time I say it -- I am single -- because I certainly don't feel single. I am crazy about a guy who I get to kiss, cuddle, talk to, tell secrets to...have a relationship with. We can't stop smiling when we're together. And yet. The reality is that I am single. The even colder reality is that he is not.

That every time I lay down alone, he's laying down next to his wife. I've never asked him to tell me he loves me more than her, that he'll choose me over her. I used to grow envious of other OW who told stories of their married men and how they exchanged I love yous and stories of being together someday. But now, I'm glad I don't have that, that I never demanded that, because it would have only continued to set expectations that would cause me to shut myself off to reality. This has left reality within sight, if just barely.

Our rule has been different. We don't talk about his wife at all. It's as if she doesn't exist. He goes out of his way not to include her in his stories about what he does when we're apart. I know she's there, but I can pretend otherwise because he doesn't mention it and I've never felt for a moment like I was vying for his life and affection. His time, yes. But nothing else. It's easy to pretend other things are the reason I don't get more of his time -- a demanding job, children who play travel sports, etc.

I'm rambling, and shockingly, I'm not even getting started. Anyway, I know my perspective is somewhat of a "wet blanket," but I do think it's important to have a safe place to acknowledge the dark side of being an 'other' too. So if that's helpful to anyone, I'd be happy to continue to share with you guys.

You're not a wet blanket at all. No one would search out this situation.

I'm single too, but at least he is not married. We don't talk about his live in gf either. I don't want to know. But there have been times when we are together that he has talked to her on the phone.

I am committed to him until the time comes that he will have to make a decision. Until then, I enjoy what we have.

After that length of time, he has a legal obligation to her, regardless of religious status. In many first-world jurisdictions, people are considered married after 1 to 3 years living together (less (and co-habitation not required) if there are children involved - biological or otherwise).

No kids involved,. and the rest is up to him, people our age get divorced all the time. Life happens.

Yup. Legal and financial ramifications when leaving long-term live-in relationships are a thing.

Easier for everyone if the status quo continues eh.

Why are you so negative? Like it or not, relationships end and new ones begin. Sometimes they overlap.

Staying with someone for material reasons is not good enough for me.

And status quo for now is just fine. Thank you for caring.

Back to talking to people in the situation and providing them with support.

Not negative. Just factual.

People will do what they do.

Yes they do, that we can agree on!

We do talk about his wife. 'When is she coming home?' etc.
No seriously we do just in a normal way. Never negative.
Hugs to all my OWs

That seems like a natural conversation to have. We used to talk about her, now we don't.

Sure. But tonight we reached new point. I know where she works now!
If it isn't love what is? Lol

The ones who think their spouse will never ever cheat on them just crack me up. Oh to be that naive, and not see the world as it is.

But back to support for those of us in affairs and not going to be run off by the haters (who, by the way, are free to start their own thread).

But they love to come here with 'I am holier than you' routine.
Remember one who is playing a saint here? Lmao
We make them feel better about their boring life.
Because they come here to charge of off us and go back
pretend to be a OK!
Tell me why would any happily married person even BE here
if they are so happy? No one ever will tell.

They aren't invited here, this is support for the OW's and OM's,

I wish to have an answer to my question though.

Did any of you OWs or OMs ever consider just sitting down with your husband/wife and tell them what has happened to you? And then talking about it?