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A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

WHY BATHERS DON’T SUIT ME



I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing costume. When I was a child in the 50’s, the bathing costume for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure – boned, trussed and reinforced. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job.



Now, with little choice, a mature woman can either front up to a maternity department and try on a floral costume with a skirt and come away looking like a hippopotamus that has escaped from Fantasia, or she can wander around any bathing suit department and try to make a sensible choice from a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.



I made my choice and disappeared into the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary strength of the stretch material. I think it was made by N.A.S.A. to launch small rockets in a sling shot! It comes with a bonus, that as long as you can lever your body into the suit, you can protect your vital organs from shark attack.



After fighting my way into the first suit, I gasped in horror – my breasts had disappeared. I found one cowering under my left armpit and eventually found the other, flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is, modern bathers have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like speed humps!



The next bathing costume fitted alright, but on looking in the mirror, I found that it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out – top, bottom and sides. At this time, the sales girl poked her head through, “Oh they are you”’ she gasped – admiring the bathers. “What else have you got?” I retorted. Well, I donned a black costume with a black midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair which had high cut legs nearly up to my waist. Finally I found a bathing costume that fitted. It was a two piece affair with a short-style bottom and a halter top. It was cheap, comfortable and bulge friendly. I bought it.



When I wore it to the beach, I felt I was getting many admiring glances and was feeling pretty sexy. Later, while changing, I read the label which said: “Material becomes transparent in water”!