Left marriage for someone else then came back to spouse

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Here it goes... I have been married for 15 years. A little over a year ago my relationship with my spouse had taken a dive. I felt alone. We had drifted apart. I began a new job and became friends with someone of the opposite sex almost instantly. Our relationship grew closer and closer over the course of a year. My spouse worked a very bad schedule that made them very sleepy during the day and nonexistent at night. Needless to say out relationship was suffering while my relationship with this other person became deeper until I felt like I was in love with them. Long story short...my spouse and I decided to get a divorce because of my deep emotional connection to this other person. I moved in with this other person almost immediately and I experienced some of the highest highs in my life, but also some really low lows. Our relationship was very different than the one I was used to. Every time there would be negative tension between us I missed my spouse. After three months I ended up getting back together with my spouse. We've been back together for 4 months and are going to counseling. The problem I have is I still feel like something is missing in our relationship and I often miss the other person. I have committed to not speak to my ex lover, but have contacted them several times. My spouse knows about my contact with the other person and each time I have to recommit to not contacting them... I am looking for anyone that has had a similar situation. I miss the other person so bad and think of them all the time. I feel like I loved them the most, but I was too lazy to work on our relationship and wanted an easier more comfortable path. I do love my spouse too. I can't have both. Any advice or input would be welcomed.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 3 • Views: 1,037 • Replies: 13

[+3] - CoastalRat - 02/03/2016Not much any of us can really say. As I see it, you have three choices. Only you can really decide which is best. You need to choose and then stick with it. 1. You can choose to stay with...

@Strangedays,

Not much any of us can really say. As I see it, you have three choices. Only you can really decide which is best. You need to choose and then stick with it.

1. You can choose to stay with your husband and continue to work on the relationship. But this does mean giving up all contact with loverboy and committing to your husband. Anything less will not result in a successful relationship, after all, how often will he forgive you for re-initiating contact with the other guy.

2. You can choose the other guy. In this case, you will need to divorce hubby and concentrate all your efforts on making this new relationship work. Of course, this entails basically burning your bridges to your husband and I cannot imagine his wanting you back again if things do not work out.

3. Neither of the above. Divorce your husband and break off contact with this other guy until you figure out what you want out of life. Concentrate on you and getting your head together. You seem to think that a relationship is all love and euphoria and excitement. It is not. A relationship has its ebbs and flows. Trust me. I've been married for nearly 34 years and sometimes I want to run screaming out of the house, sometimes she wants to run screaming out of the house. Sometimes we each feel a bit less in love with each other and sometimes we cannot keep from cozying up to each other constantly. But at all times we have remained committed to each other, understanding that there are ebbs and flows. Maybe you need time to realize this also.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

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@Strangedays,

Are you going for counselling on your own as well as with your husband? if not, I suggest you arrange that asap.

Don't bother promising no contact if you're not going to keep that promise. It will just make your husband trust you even less than he already does. Seriously, don't bother.

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@ehBeth,

I went to counseling for about a month. I quit because I always received the same advice and figured I knew what she would say if I went back

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@Strangedays,

Are you following the advice you were given?

(1 month isn't really meaningful in terms of counselling - you need to think more like an 18 -24 month commitment to start)

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@CoastalRat,

CoastalRat wrote:

You seem to think that a relationship is all love and euphoria and excitement. It is not. A relationship has its ebbs and flows. Trust me. I've been married for nearly 34 years and sometimes I want to run screaming out of the house, sometimes she wants to run screaming out of the house. Sometimes we each feel a bit less in love with each other and sometimes we cannot keep from cozying up to each other constantly. But at all times we have remained committed to each other, understanding that there are ebbs and flows.

Maybe you need time to realize this also.

best comment on relationship matters by anyone in a long time

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@ehBeth,

The advice is to commit to my marriage and no longer have any contact with my ex...
In all honesty, I have tried to keep this commitment but have had great difficulty. I usually will have no contact for about a month and then I slip up. I am finding it so hard to let go. I wish I could forget how I felt.

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@ehBeth,

"Don't bother promising no contact if you're not going to keep that promise. It will just make your husband trust you even less than he already does. Seriously, don't bother."

Do you think if I won't keep my promises that I should just give up and go back with my ex? I keep feeling that I am being unfair to me spouse. They deserve better.

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@Strangedays,

I think you should live on your own and not see either of them. They both deserve better and you need to get comfortable with yourself.

However, I'm not one of the counsellors who has met with you and has a sense of whether you could commit to either of these men longterm.

In any case, you can't maintain no contact so don't bother pretending you're going to do it.

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@ehBeth,

I have children with my spouse. We would always be in contact somehow.

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@Strangedays,

The counsellor suggested you don't contact the other man. You promised that you wouldn't contact him.

I'm saying that there is no point in telling your husband that you won't be contacting the other man - since you haven't been able to maintain that. Making the promise and then failing at it is worse than not making the promise.

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@Strangedays,

I was interested in reading your post because I am currently the 'other woman'. Just recently found out after over 2 years of dating. Once I was contacted by his wife, I ended things but we keep finding ourselves back together. We have not had sex due to a physical problem he is having otherwise no doubt we would've. He claims they are going to file for divorce and that he wants to pursue things with me but I feel like he is having a hard time letting go of the '23 years of marriage'. I'm worried that he will eventually go back to her also because there is some sort of comfort for him there (high school sweethearts). I have comfort in knowing that our relationship was not based on sex and that we truly communicate well and treat each other kindly but I'm aprehensive since it seems to be difficult for him to stop talking to her.
When you miss your mistress, what is it that you're missing? When you were missing your wife, what were you missing? They are obviously both filling the voids that you have...

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@ehBeth,

Well, I just told my ex that I will no longer be in contact and that I don't want them contacting me... Next, see if I can work things out with my spouse.

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@Strangedays,

Now block that other person from you phone so he can't contact you.

One less temptation.

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Left marriage for someone else then came back to spouse

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