Mother in law babies my husband

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Hey all, I'm new to this site. I found it because I really feel like I need someone to talk to. I am 21, and recently married (5 months now), my hubby's mother lives with us at the moment until she can support herself and we find a place of our own. My MIL is nice for the most part but there is some thing that bothers me - she treats him like a baby. It didn't bother me much before we got married, mostly I suppose because she wasnt living with us yet.

Let me illustrate the extent of the babying. When he is getting ready for work, I get his lunch ready and pack his stuff so he can get out of the house faster ( he works night shift and needs the extra time to sleep) when I wake him up for work I'm constantly hearing "you want mommy to help you get ready?" OR "you want me to get your socks?" "wear a t-shirt under your clothes, it's going to be cold outside" as if he is a baby, and doesn't know how to find his own socks or how to dress himself. This has been happening since we got married and it has annoyed me but I haven't said anything. But then came the straw that broke the donkey's back.

Yesterday I was sick, so I couldn't do what I usually do- I usually make him food if he is hungry and it involves more than just the microwave. He got to the kitchen and immediately started crying to his mother to make him a bacon sandwich and she came swooping in to do everything for him. I suppose because I was sick and not in the best of moods, it was enough to make me say something. I told him stop acting as if you can't do it just so that one of us can do it for you, you are a grown person. And that started an argument to which my MIL said "he may be grown but he will always be my baby" I feel like it makes him lazy to do anything for himself. He doesn't even know where anything is in the house because he doesnt do stuff for himself. And my MIL doesn't see how she is setting him up to be a full time job for me when it is just the two of us living together. This babying needs to stop. But now I feel like the bad guy, as if I shouldn't have said anything at all... what should I do?

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@YoungWife94,

YoungWife94 wrote:

... what should I do?

do what you can to get her self-supporting and out of your home asap

move to another city if you have to

seriously - get away from her

1 Reply

And tell your new hubby to grow some and learn how to look after himself.

He should also have the nowse to realise that he needs to take your side in domestic matters such as this, on all occasions. If he wanted to stay a Mummy's boy he shouldn't have married you.

Men who play the usless card should be ashamed of themselves.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Agreeing with ehBeth.

You knew their relationship before you married, why do you think it would be any different?

You aren't going to change her, and you don't want to get between the 2 of them, unless you want her to become a permanent point of contention with him for your entire marriage. He likes the way his mother treats him apparantly. They are fine with the arrangement, it's you with the issue.

You put 2 stipulations on moving, finding a place of your own AND her getting on her feet.
What's her and his incentive for that? None. She gets to live with her son and take care of him, and he gets to live with his mom. Are you both living with her in Her home? What suddenly happened with you married that she can't support herself?

Also, it's not like you don't cater to him as well. What does working the night shift and and needing extra time to sleep have to do with each other? Do you work as well? If so, do you need someone to pack your lunch for you?

Getting a little off track, I was interested in that comment "I cook for him when he is hungry" Yeah, ok. Does his hunger happen to coincide with agreed upon meal times? Or are you a short order cook whenever he wants something? Does he know how a stove works? I sort of doubt it.

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@Lordyaswas,

Lordyaswas wrote:

And tell your new hubby to grow some and learn how to look after himself.

He should also have the nowse to realise that he needs to take your side in domestic matters such as this, on all occasions. If he wanted to stay a Mummy's boy he shouldn't have married you.

Men who play the usless card should be ashamed of themselves.

Sound advice. This all should be happening.
It should have been something discussed before marriage.

They really need to have separate homes.

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@YoungWife94,

YoungWife94 wrote:

I usually make him food if he is hungry

is he completely disabled?

he needs to grow up

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@YoungWife94,

I'm not sure where to begin with this, beyond what others have said.

Nondisabled, healthy adults can get their own damned food.

So can a lot of disabled ones, I might add.

There is a difference between being nice, and supportive, and being taken advantage of.

Your husband is a big boy. He can pack his own lunch and snacks, or buy them. He can select a scarf when he is cold, or go without and suffer the consequences. Don't enable this behavior.

As for his mother, yeah, she needs a timetable and so do you, to end this situation. She does not need to live in your home for you to save money. Cut corners if you have to. Take out a small loan if you must. Get a second job - whatever it takes. But this is toxic.

And for God's sake, until you're on your financial feet, please delay getting pregnant.

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BTW youngwife.

Please don't feel that we are piling up on you.

Each person who has answered so far has been married or in a committed relationship for years and years....like decades.

We know the ropes.

Funny (to me) story.

Back in the 1970's I was a teenager. It was around that time that salad bars started appearing in restaurants.
I'd watch my mother, who was then about 50, go get my father, same age, a salad while he sat there and enjoyed his cocktail. Then she'd go back and make her own. Even if we were with same age friends of theirs, she'd do that, while the other husbands picked out what they wanted themselves.

Now how outdated is that? I've been married 22 years now, and I don't remember EVER doing my husbands personal laundry, or cleaning his bathroom. I'm his wife, not his maid.

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@YoungWife94,

Agree with the others - first priority is for the two of you to live alone as a couple. This is part of this that is between your husband and his mom. Tough for you to be in the middle - you could talk with your husband alone - after you feel better where you can discuss without getting upset (though I can understand why you would be upset). Be positive though and complementary -- in the sense you get more bees with honey -- let him know the positives about him - let him know he is more capable to make his own food and now that his mom is getting older it would be nice not to take advantage of her. Stuff like that.

Also approach the timing of mom moving out -- you need a time table. Then it will be easier for you to "train" your husband to be more self-sufficient. This doesn't mean you wouldn't be helpful in getting him a lunch made for work, etc. Just that if something changes out of the ordinary - he should make his own dinner/lunch and not cry.

As an aside - are you working outside the home? That definitely changes the dynamic as in you are also busy getting ready for work and the work within the home should be split a bit more.

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@YoungWife94,

Come on, can no one look at the other side of the story.

This is a wife who is judging her husband about things that frankly aren't her business. Think of it this way, if your husband or wife ever scolded you this way, telling you to "act grown up", how would you react?

How is it a wife's business how her husband relates to his mother. I don't see anything that her husband, or her mother in law, is doing that hurts her in any way. Whether her husbands mother makes lunch or not is frankly none of her business.

It it is not a wife's role to judge, or to change, her husband. She shouldn't think that she gets to decide what is "best" for her husband. This is not how good marriages work. I think she should butt out.

This wife has every right to stop making her husband's lunches. She has no right to force her mother-in-law to stop doing anything.

2 Replies

@YoungWife94,

I wonder how the responses to this thread would be different were the genders reversed (and this was a husband complaining about his wife).

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

Quote:

How is it a wife's business how her husband relates to his mother.

Actually if you read what most people wrote - they did state (including me) that he needs to deal with his mom and the relationship is between those two.

The advice was more for her to take a stand so that she isn't doing everything for him.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

most likely the same - there is a time to grow up no matter what your gender.

1 Reply

@Linkat,

How can anyone here say he has to deal with his mom? How is this any of the wife's business?

Yes, the wife can stop doing things for her husband. But she has no right to tell the mother to stop doing things for her son, or to put herself between her husband and his mother.

These are two different issues.

1 Reply

@Linkat,

Answer me honestly Linkat.

Imagine your husband decided that you needed to "grow up". and he told you so. What would your response be?

(Personally, I would find this pretty insulting.)

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

Did I suggest that you approach it that way? No read how I said to approach it. The woman was sick and said something in normal reaction to it although not the best approach by any means. It doesn't mean she was wrong on her assessment. I suggested she handle it differently.

Do you feel it better she allow her husband to continue throwing fits and acting like a spoiled child? Communication is key as a couple and if there is a problem you need to address. Unless of course you don't mind babying your husband for the rest of your lives together.

And I have told my husband -- not exactly that but close when he acted like a child -- I told him he was acting like a child. I did so calmly and told him he was correct on what he was upset about, but he should handle it like an adult. Once he cooled off he did acknowledge it. How do you handle conflict or issues? You need to discuss - it does not mean name calling, but having an adult conversation about it which is exactly what I had suggested.

If I were acting a certain way that upset my husband, I would expect him to say something - I would not expect him to say grow up --- that isn't productive, but I would expect him to tell me what it is that causing a problem that does not include name calling and insulting one another.

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@maxdancona,

It is his mom - so he has to deal with the relationship with her - not his wife that is why he has to deal with her in whatever way he wants to ---- if it does not impact the wife. If it does then his wife has every right to speak up to her husband about it.

1 Reply

@Linkat,

Quote:

It is his mom - so he has to deal with the relationship with her - not his wife that is why he has to deal with her in whatever way he wants to ---- if it does not impact the wife.

I think we agree about this.

But tell me, if the husband is happy with this arrangement and the mother is happy with the arrangement, why is this any of the wife's business?

I would never think to interfere with, or judge, my girlfriend's relationship with her mother. I don't think it is any of my business.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

as I said unless it is impacting her. It is up to the mom and son.

My guess (and purely my guess) it is impacting her since it seems this mom is living in their home - a big reason why most everyone is suggesting you need to get a timeline to be financially secure all around so that she can move out.

I am guessing by looking at this quote...

Quote:

My MIL is nice for the most part but there is some thing that bothers me - she treats him like a baby. It didn't bother me much before we got married, mostly I suppose because she wasnt living with us yet.

And this is how she feels it is/will be impacting her personally...

Quote:

my MIL doesn't see how she is setting him up to be a full time job for me when it is just the two of us living together

1 Reply

@Linkat,

Quote:

I told him stop acting as if you can't do it just so that one of us can do it for you, you are a grown person. And that started an argument to which my MIL said "he may be grown but he will always be my baby" I feel like it makes him lazy to do anything for himself. He doesn't even know where anything is in the house because he doesnt do stuff for himself.

This is the problem.

A husband doesn't get to dictate the relationship of his wife with her mother... even if he thinks that it is making her lazy. And a wife doesn't get to dictate the relationship of her husband and his mother.

The wife is putting herself in the position of an adult talking about a child. No adult has the right to dictate how another adult acts because "I feel it makes him lazy".

The wife is out of line here. If you don't think so, imagine how you would feel if your husband said that your relationship with your mother was making you lazy. This is not the business of a spouse.

If the wife doesn't like how her husband is, then she should divorce him (it may make both of them happier). But if she doesn't want to divorce him, then she needs to respect how he is, and to resolve these issues as equals.

If this was a husband complaining that his mother-in-law was making his wife lazy... there is no way that anyone would be taking the position you are now taking. It is ridiculous.

1 Reply

Mother in law babies my husband

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