Looking for Advice! Please!

My friend he's a guy and he's gay and always says he's gonna end up alone and single for the rest of his life. In his words, "the crazy guy at the end of the street with 20 cats and 5 owls!" So i made him write what he wants in a guy and he wrote this and i don't know what to say without being biased!
This is what he wrote:

"Wanted, a guy, for a slightly weird and hyper character with a bit of sass that will stay loyal
People with the following attributes may apply
The rest better stay away or imma cut you insert evil face (joke!)

1. Loyal and honest even if you kill someone (ill help bury the body in the backyard, lol joke!)
2. Would be okay with random thoughts mostly weird (like the above)
3. Language barriers if any should and must be adjusted (very important! 'cause duh! i love to talk).
4. Should be able to hold a conversation with me easily (tough to do, but it's doable I have proof and a list of people who can give you guidelines; joke!).
5. Good sense of humour. Well that's a given!
6. No drugs and no smoking. I really can't stand smoking coz one I would die literally, two eww have you smelled the breath of people who smoke? Holy kittens in skinny jeans! It's absolutely disgusting. And druggies remind me of zombies and I love zombie killing games so...you can imagine what a relationship would be like. smiles innocently
7. Drinking...hmm.. This is okay as long as it's not everyday. The occasional one or social drinking is okay! And no you shouldn't even be here if you're an alcoholic. Go to rehab now!
PS: you better be ready to share the drinks or you'd be sleeping in the living room for a week or more.
8. A weekly date or bi weekly date would be nice...It doesn't have to be anything fancy. I'm easy like that. All I'd need is a movie some order in food and cuddles with my over the top crazy comments interrupting the movie. I'd be so happy I'd cook you whatever and...eh..I lost track of what I was writing about.
9. You need to be responsible. Goofing off is okay but with life comes responsibilities too and as much as I would love to let you have your way with everything, reality is sharing is caring and I care so we'll share. (Negotiable to an extent)
10. A plus would be if you were good with your hands and I'm not talking about the pervy stuff! Holy Cow on a tricycle! Is that all you think about? insert shocked face okay, fair enough my mind did go there too but you're at least supposed to be less obvious about it! Back to what I was talking about, if there's a leaky pipe or a faulty light i am useless. All I can do is stand there and look pretty maybe even go with encouraging you a little. Hmm...yep so if you're handy around the house that would be such a plus.

That's all I can think of off of the top of my head. "



Any response genuine would be appreciated since he's my friend and I'm too biased to answer him honestly. Thanks much!