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Sun 22 Nov, 2015 02:15 pm
As some of you know I'm currently dating a widower of 9 months. I finally went out to the Midwest to see him for the first time since he left the East coast about 3 months ago. It was completely amazing. He told his stepdaughter and son that I was there, and surprisingly his stepdaughter did not seem upset. But I am slightly hesitant now if I should move forward. We have set up sometime in April of next year for me to visit. But my hesitation is is that he was not wearing his wedding ring when he picked me up from the airport, but when he came back to visit me in the hotel he had it on. Then continued to wear it on and off. I've been reading up that you should never ask them to take it off, but when I asked him if we were together together, he said yes. He noticed I was uncomfortable seeing his wedding ring on, he took it off right away. Also, the last day I was with him, I told him I loved him and he did not respond back. But I knew he wouldn't. And then he told me that he was not ready to love anyone because it was to soon, and that I had to understand he was married for 15 years and he wasn't sure if he could right now. That maybe he can, but he's not ready. This leads me to feel, he is not ready to move forward into a relationship with me. He also did mention it was nice to be out with someone, that he has felt very alone since his LW got sick. And that he wanted that intimacy feeling with someone but that he loved that he can do that with me.
I just don't know what to do. I really do care a lot about him, I miss him very much, and I want to be with him. It's just the uncertainty from his side that's getting to me. granted he told his family already, and when I asked why, he said he didn't want to hide me from them. Do I let him go and let him finish his grieving or stick with him until he can love again.
@BeccaH,
BeccaH wrote: Do I let him go and let him finish his grieving or stick with him until he can love again.
I'm not clear how this is an either or situation.
He has to finish his grieving. That's just how it has to be.
Would you only be his friend if you thought there was a permanent relationship in the future? If so, I'd suggest backing away.
If you see yourself as his friend, regardless of what the future holds, then you are both are in a good place.
IMHO - you are pushing too hard about this. It's been 9 months, for heaven's sake.
He has admitted that while he enjoys the intimacy, he is not ready for a full blown I-Love-You relationship. Either accept this and him - how and where he is - or move on to someone who can give you what you want.
He just is not ready yet. Put more pressure on him and he will cut it off completely, trust me.
@ehBeth,
I am not to sure if I'm following. We are dating. How am I suppose to just be his friend if I'm the girlfriend?
@PUNKEY,
I have never pressured him to tell me he loves me. I know he cares about me a lot. But I don't want to be dragged on to something that he will never want or if he can't see a potential future with me. We have never spoken about "future" plans together. inkeep reading forums that say that the first woman a widower gets involved with, never ends up being the one he chooses. I guess I'm scared of getting hurt again, as I just got out of a ten year relationship with my ex husband.
@BeccaH,
Often times therapists and grief counselors generally advise that spouses need 1 or 2 years to adjust to such a loss. This of course varies.
However, If it were me, I'd put the romance on hold, (pretty hard to do at this point) and wait a while longer as he sorts out his grief and adjusting period. Perhaps what people are saying here (and his is showing signs) that it's too soon for him.
Then again, after a 10 year marriage and recently out of divorce, you might need the time, as well.
@BeccaH,
Would you be a friend of his if you were not his girlfriend?
@BeccaH,
BeccaH wrote: How am I suppose to just be his friend if I'm the girlfriend?
see, this makes me nervous
I think the friend part is the important part of girlfriend. If you don't consider him a friend first and foremost, I don't see any point in continuing.
@BeccaH,
BeccaH wrote: But I don't want to be dragged on to something that he will never want or if he can't see a potential future with me.
seems like you're not interested in him as a friend, if there is no relationship potential
cut the poor guy loose
also spend some time on getting used to yourself as a single woman - truly enjoying the single life
@ehBeth,
I was his friend before we became romantically involved. He comes to me and I come to him to just talk whenever we need soneone. That's how we got involved, we were both going through a lot him with his lost of his wife, me and my deteriorated marriage, we just emotionally connected. That's how we started.
@BeccaH,
I don't mean this as talking down to you, but I don't think you understand how long it generally takes to get over the loss of a loved spouse. Nine months is a mere start. Maybe it's shorter if the spouses were miserable all those years, but at 15 years, a fair amount them were probably pretty good ones and they loved each other.
Your post is all about you, how you don't want to get hurt in the future, which makes sense for you to think, but he on the other hand is dealing with actual hurt now and big changes. He told you the truth, that he is not ready. Believe him.
I tend to agree with Beth's and Ragman's and Punky's points too.
@ossobuco,
I don't want neither one of us to get hurt. The last 2 years were the hardest as his LW just didn't care anymore about anything or anyone. I don't want to hurt him as he has been through a lot, which I do understand. But giving the factor that my ex husband never cared about me and my feelings, that's what I am trying to avoid. My widower and I have the mutual feelings about hiding feelings from our previous spouses that that's not we want together. We want honesty, and openness with one another.
@BeccaH,
Thanks for explaining, I understand now.
Talking is good, as you know, and it sounds that he is being honest.
To your question, yes, he can love again, but he needs time. He may even want to look around, and that is not always a bad idea. For you either. Learning to live by yourselves can be a good thing. I've friends (I'm on the older end of the spectrum) who didn't live alone until their sixties. It can actually be a good thing, as ehBeth alluded to.
@BeccaH,
There's no guarantees. You are going to have to take this one day at a time. He needs time and you need to look at him realistically.
It sounds like his wife was sick for 2 years, so he has not had intimacy for 2 years and 9 months. He's trying to fill his physical needs and also be your friend. He needs friendship.
You may be his "transition" woman and he your "transition man" - so just enjoy this time together and not expect anything to happen in the future.
WAY too early for talking about love.
@PUNKEY,
We have been taking this one day at a time. We began as friends, then friends with benefits and now this is where we stand. I have always been patient with him, and have giving him his space. I guess this is something new to him and I as we both haven't been with another person since our previous spouses. A learning curve for the both of us I'll presume.
@BeccaH,
I'm his girlfriend to??? Ben
@BeccaH,
Wise married women have told me that the girl should not say I love you. The main thing is to express the joy that will tell him about love. He believes the emotions rather than words, on a subconscious level. My groom is 46 years old, believe me, he has fallen in love as a boy. We need a spiritual closeness to fall in love again and truly. And you do not have to be ordinary like all previous women.
@BeccaH,
By the way, the words I love you is better to replace, when you are in a long term relationship. For example:
I like to look how you do ... (something)
I love to spend all my free time with you
I love when you smile.
I love your hands.
I love your hugs.
I love to look at you when you make coffee.
I love your disheveled appearance in the morning as well.
I love your shirt, ties and socks.
I love to hear your voice.
@ilikeyou,
He says all those things to me. We are still together after these months since I've originally posted. I've gone out to see him 3 times already and will be heading back out to the Midwest next week. We both have shown one another the "love" we have to one another with little memes that we send one another everyday, or the care packages we send filled with things that only we would know about one another. Emotionally we are in a good place together. Since our lives are separated by the distance, we keep one another up to date on what's going on. I'm really happy for once and so is he.
@ilikeyou,
I told him The day he left to go back to the MW ( end of the summer of 2015) was because I wasn't expecting to ever see him again. And I didn't want to live my life with regret and never tell him so I took the chance. Instead of "I love you", he always says "I like you". Love is not a word we use, unfortunately. I guess he still isn't ready to love another woman yet but he did tell me today (ironically) that he everyday that passes he "likes" me more and more. And we both have spoken about future stuff. So we'll see.
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