in a crisis, life has become shambles

Forums: Advice, Relationships
Email this Topic • Print this Page

For starters let me note that I am a 25 year old male. I've been with the same girl for a little over 8 years. You can say that we are high school sweet hearts. I've never had sex with any other woman before...actually I've never even kissed another woman before. I've been feeling distant from my current girlfriend. She seems to complain about everything. I don't have many friends. Who am I kidding, I have no friends. I see her everyday. I wake up, go to work, and I see her. I have no communication with anyone else, let alone anyone from the opposite sex. Well lets get to the point of this topic. I went out with a couple people on a Saturday night a few weeks ago. Group of about 10. Some we've known for awhile, and some we've recently started hanging out with. I see my girlfriend dancing with one of our guy friends, I don't think much of it. So I figured it'd be okay for me to do the same. So I approach one of our friends that we recently started hanging out with not too long ago. We were dancing, and we both seemed to be having a good time. We spoke about nothing really, but one thing lead to another and I felt as if I just wanted to spend the rest of the night in the middle of the conversation. She's into the things I am and I really don't know what to feel. But it's been getting rather annoying because she's all I think about. Is this just some feeling I'm getting because I do not interact with the opposite sex at all, or interact with anyone regardless the gender? I feel alone, and lost. Am I to marry the current girl I am with, and just feel like this forever? Feel trapped? Let's say I leave my current girlfriend, it's a long shot to even try going for this new girl I'm into. My main concern, is I have no one to turn to. No best friend who can keep me preoccupied, and just go out and not think about any of this. At my age, I feel like the people you know now are the ones you'll know for awhile, and you won't really make new close friends anymore. If anyone has any advice, it'd be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Question • Score: 5 • Views: 1,954 • Replies: 44

Okay, let's start from the back.

You will make other close friendships. Life does not end at 25.

None of this is all or nothing. You need not marry either of these women. You need not date either of them.

Are you preoccupied with this other girl because you're isolated? You betcha.

Maybe tell your current girlfriend you want to go on a break for a while. Make it a definite time. Say, three months, something like that. It's not that you don't care, it's that you two have been joined at the hip forever and everybody needs new experiences, and solo experiences. Make it abundantly clear that this is intended to be an equal thing, and that it's not about you (or her) sleeping with everyone in your ZIP code. Rather, it's about seeing what life has to offer.

I caution you that you may find your current relationship ends because of this suggestion or what happens during that time frame, if she does consent to it. It's not an easy sell, by any means.

As for this other gal, do try to have other experiences and make other friends. I suspect you latched on because you're feeling friendless more than anything else.

And please, lose the attitude that you'll never make another close friend once you turn the magical mystical age of 26. That's bullshit, and it's pretty damned ageist and insulting, truth be told.

1 Reply

@lostintheabyss18,

I need not add much to what Jespah said.

I'll add this much: you've allowed yourself to become isolated and insulated from others. You've been short-changing yourself of developing other relationships - even friendships. I can't tell by what you posted here if this has to do with trust issues? Do you know?

The good news is that it's not too late

You need to work on your relationship with yourself. You have stunted your own growth but it's not too late to work on your primary relationship - the one with yourself.

{Edit: you seem pretty needy and in want of being controlled. What's up with that?}

0 Replies

@jespah,

first of all thanks for the response.
that's the thing. make friends where? if I were to leave my current long term girlfriend where would I turn? and I cannot just attempt to talk to this other girl, because her and my girlfriend are sort of friends. and to be honest, I have absolutely no game. I do not know how to talk to a woman because I have been with the same one for the longest time.
we've done breaks in the past. but seriously every time we did, every one became unavailable to spend time with me. when i'm with her, everyone wants to hangout and get to know me. ton of girls I meet here and there make these moves on me, and I have no choice but to decline because I choose to be faithful. but then when me and my girl have a break, they magically become unavailable.
my main concern is having no one there for me when everything does break down. overall I'm a friendly person, and to be honest i'd do anything with anyone to just feel belonged and have a friend.
I cant have one of my guy buddies texting me without my girl giving me **** about how they are losers and are desperate. I have no one. no one but her.
sorry for all this negativity, but lately all I've been thinking about is this other girl.

3 Replies

@lostintheabyss18,

Abby I'd suggest paragraphing your OP, with any reorganization or curtailment that might permit. Carriage returns between, also helps

0 Replies

@lostintheabyss18,

Okay, so you've done the break thing. Hmm.

The fact that your gf insults your friends is a red flag to me. This is isolating, controlling behavior. Truth is, isolation is one of the hallmarks of emotional abuse. I am not saying things are that dire by any means, but being isolated by someone who purports to care about you is a major league negative. It should be setting off alarm bells in your head.

No one on this planet is 100% fulfilled by one other human being. We need several in our lives. I don't mean to advocate for infidelity. That's not it. It's more that you need friends to do any number of things you wouldn't do with your gf. I am - fer realz - happily married for over 23 years. My husband and I have other friends. That's not infidelity, and it's not a threat to our relationship.

Anyway, whether you're together with your gf or not, you need friends. When she says they're losers, well, consider your response. Assuming they aren't, and these are people you care about, you might want to let her know that that's insulting. Not just to your pals, but to you, as you picked them as your buddies.

And also seek new friends. How? Lots of ways. Look into Meetup groups in your area for things that interest you. Take a class. Volunteer. Ask coworkers or classmates for coffee - and nothing more - and make some relationships that aren't with your gf.

That way, if you stay together, you'll have other resources. And if you don't, you'll have a fighting chance of meeting someone else.

Oh, and don't try to make friends, with or without benefits, in bars. Seriously. Do it through shared interests. It's a lot easier and far more sustainable that way.

1 Reply

@lostintheabyss18,

lostintheabyss18 wrote:

I cant have one of my guy buddies texting me without my girl giving me **** about how they are losers and are desperate. I have no one. no one but her.

whoa.

that's bad news right there.

you need your guy friends and you also need female friends (and whatever woman you are involved with needs her own friends)

Do you and the guys get out together? play baseball? football? anything? go fishing? go on road trips?

You need time with other friends and I suspect your current girlfriend does as well.

Focus on time with other people. Spend a little time with your girlfriend but don't spend all of your spare time with her. Develop interests that don't include/involve her. At the same time, encourage her to spend time with other people.

and seriously ... she badmouths your friends? time to tell her (nicely if possible) that if she can't be positive, she can be quiet

0 Replies

@lostintheabyss18,

lostintheabyss18 wrote:

that's the thing. make friends where?

are there no sport events/clubs in your community?

0 Replies

@lostintheabyss18,

lostintheabyss18 wrote:

I see her everyday. I wake up, go to work, and I see her. I have no communication with anyone else, let alone anyone from the opposite sex.

there is no need to see her every day

spend time with your guy friends

do other things

go to a coffee shop on your own once a week

do anything

try to whittle it down to seeing your current girlfriend 2 or 3 times a week. it'll give her time to be with other friends as well. it will be healthier for both of you.

turn off your phone/mobile/whatever so she can't text/call when you're not together.

get some air between you

0 Replies

@lostintheabyss18,

It appears that you have never stopped to figure out who you are and what you want. I suggest that you do this before the wedding.

Re your girl I dont know that she is part of the problem. Is she not supportive of your friends because she thinks that you are wasting yourself on them, that you are slumming? A lot of what you say indicates that you are, that you are not willing to put yourself out there in life, that you go where ever the tides take you, that you always take the path of least resistance. Some people go through all their life like this. I dont recommend it.

0 Replies

@jespah,

I don't even attempt to say I'm gonna do this or that with someone that isn't her. It's as if she gets insulted im not spending all my time with her.

I've lost so many friends because I simply turned down their offer to hangout because of my girlfriend. She's the one that seems very needy and it's as if she has no friends of her own. When I want to join a sport group she's right there joining it with me.

We are talking about buying a house soon and getting married. And I was seriously considering everything until I realized, "who will I invite to the wedding? Who will be my groomsman? None came to mind. What I would do to have a boys night out every here and there. But I cannot have one without any boys. She doesn't trust me and that's the bottom line.

Back to the other girl, she got mad I was dancing with this girl because she got too close. She doesn't trust me. But to be honest it was nice getting the attention from someone else, regardless if it was just friendlyness or flirting.

I don't know what to do. And to be honest my whole scenario seems pretty pathetic as if I'm back in middle school not knowing how to talk to my crush. I feel like I'm just stuck and that's where my road ends. I don't want to keep pestering about this bullshit and just repeat myself. But I do appreciate your responses.

3 Replies

@lostintheabyss18,

Abby I take it back. Evidently long paras don't bother many of us

0 Replies

@lostintheabyss18,

Quote:

I've lost so many friends because I simply turned down their offer to hangout because of my girlfriend. She's the one that seems very needy and it's as if she has no friends of her own. When I want to join a sport group she's right there joining it with me.

You are always in charge of you. Again this sounds like the main problem is your unwillingness look after yourself, that you are always doing what a woman wants you to do. Unless you are submissive by nature this train does not go to a good place.

Quote:

I feel like I'm just stuck and that's where my road ends.

Make sure you figure out how you got here, so that you dont repeat the mistake.

0 Replies

@lostintheabyss18,

oh no

don't let her control you like this - you're not describing something that sounds positive for the long term

make plans with your friends and follow-through with them

definitely cut back on your time with her. it really sounds like she's trying to isolate you from other people and that is a bad thing

0 Replies

@lostintheabyss18,

Quote:

She's the one that seems very needy and it's as if she has no friends of her own

Actually you both are needy... just express it differently with different actions. You might be a little less out-of-balance than her, but you clearly need to start developing yourself socially... away from and exclusive of her presence, as well as making changes when together.

This correctable if you start to make changes now. Talking about marriage is premature until the neurotic behavior changes to something more balanced.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Quote:

Talking about marriage is premature until the neurotic behavior changes to something more balanced.

Telling the woman that buying a house and getting married are on indefinite hold is probably a very good idea. I would expect an explosion from her, but it would act as a reset. Of course the relationship might very well be over. What do they say about trusting love, about letting someone walk away hoping that they come back under their own free will? She may or may not be up to that, in her mind everything might be about her. If so it is best find that out before the Wedding Day.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

It would certainly be cheaper to find out now.

The more I read this, the more I am seeing isolation. Whether that's self-imposed or imposed by her, or the OP is going along to get along, it's a recipe for trouble.

0 Replies

Not to mention a huge lack of self esteem going on for our poster, lost in the abyss.

I usually don't automatically suggest therapy, but I both agree with what other posters are saying, and suggest as strongly as I can that you get some individual counseling as fast as you can before you ruin your life with this passive obeying mode, whether it is to your so called girl friend (I question friend there) or to other friends. Learn who you are yourself. Do the things others have been suggesting, like meeting other people who do things you like to do. Open your eyes. Find out what it is you might enjoy doing. Get some air into your life. Develop interests of your own.

I agree with others that you shouldn't marry yet, buy a house yet, have children yet. You need to figure yourself out.

0 Replies

well I got off of work yesterday, and guess where I headed to straight away? yup my girls house. we hung out, things were fine, but it wasn't long until she found something to complain about. from "you sneeze too many times, its disgusting you need to stop," to "what took so long in the bathroom? what were you doing in there for 15 minutes?"

she then brought up how she had a dream about me making out with that other girl I was dancing with a few weeks ago. now is it me, or isn't that a little paranoid? and she insisted on asking if I did make out with her or not. as if she wasn't sure if that was a dream or reality.

im seriously considering breaking up with her. but my main concern is i don't want to throw away all these years away, all the time i invested with her. and to be honest, i'm at the point of this relationship that if that other girl were to make a move on me I'd probably go through with it. and we've been through some rough patches before, and i never acted on another woman. and they were all more attractive than the one I'm into now.

3 Replies

@lostintheabyss18,

It's not throwing years away. You gained experience points. Now you get to level up.

Please leave before the crazy gets any worse.

1 Reply

in a crisis, life has become shambles

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know