Yes. Rock bottom. I hit it back in April when my husband and I lost everything. After about a month of continuing my relentless pursuit of death through drinking (3 fifths of whiskey a week for six years) I woke up one morning and realized it just wasn't working. I had been running my whole life... And it just wasn't working. Rather disappointed after that realization I sat around for another month, still feeling quite sorry for myself, and resorted to praying to die. Honestly, I still wished that infamous bolt of lightning dream I have had so many times would finally just come true.
Nope, still didn't work. *sigh* And then it finally came to my time... To literally live or die. To continue pursuing death which I don't think was too terribly far away at that point, or give this life thing one more shot. One more shot, and this time... I wanna do it right. So I began writing my book again for like the 4th time since I was in my 20's. As I was writing I began to see everything from a whole new perspective. It has been an amazing and terrifying journey so far.
Then a little over a month ago I hit a complete road block. No... A wall... No matter how many times a day I would sit down to write, it was like... I was empty. So I turned my focus on to other things. I began trying to help others because I just didn't feel like there was much else I could do for myself at that point. Which led me right back here, to find that poem I had written about death several years back for a longtime friend who recently lost someone.
Only it didn't just help them. It helped me too. After arriving back, as I said before I realized how much I missed everyone here. What an impact that time here had actually had on my life. Then... Then... Oh the rape thread... Man, I really had no clue what would come of that. I honestly went in there just trying to expand my helping others zone, because eventually just always being about you gets old.
In the process of time there, that wall I was facing that looked almost impossible to get over or around suddenly just fell to pieces at my feet. Gone. Done. My writers block is gone now. See the place I stopped and could go no further was that spot I talked about in my 20's where there were several rapes in a row. I had to finally let go of that shame based thinking completely to move forward. I take what I am doing, writing, quite seriously.
Even before I realized I was still living with a shame based thinking I made a conscious decision I didn't want none of that crap in my book. Period, because that doesn't help anyone. I am sure that is not the last time that may happen in this process. It's all good. If it does I will stop, wait, reconcile what I need to, and move forward. I have withdrawn for a reason. I am guarding my heart right now. I feel very protective of this new found freedom.
And there is this evil little demon that follows me still. It's name is the victim mentality. I am hoping that some day its voice will get quiet enough that I won't even hear it anymore. Until then, I will continue to ignore it as best I can and push forward. You see, for me what I am facing is not layers... It's doorways. Eventually if you stand and look down this hallway I am walking down, instead of open doors, you will see closed doors with a human shaped hole in it.
Because eventually I am just gonna start running towards that freedom, no matter what stands in my way. I have determined my end is going to be far far better than my beginning.
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