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Sentence improvement

 
 
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2015 11:09 am
The second pigeon flew just as the first (pigeon had flown away)
(A) had done
(B) one had flown away
(C) one had done
(D) No improvement
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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 1,941 • Replies: 10
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Ragman
 
  2  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2015 11:41 am
@ankurnkur,
B would be my choice.
0 Replies
 
dalehileman
 
  0  
Reply Thu 3 Sep, 2015 02:14 pm
@ankurnkur,
Ank, made it only as far as (C) before almost literally wearing out, forgive an old fella

Quote:
The second pigeon flew just as the first pigeon had flown away
I can't put my finger on it. Has some of the alternate implications below but then in addition somehow seems a slight bit wordy (forgive intentional alliteration). Perhaps it's the relation between "flew" and "flown". If you add a comma after "flown," it means the second didn't fly away: Instead he might have stuck around after takeoff

Kidding of course Ank. But....

Quote:
(A) The second pigeon flew just as the first had done
...assuming of course that what you mean is that there was a delay between the first takeoff and the second, of unspecified duration, but that the two might have acted somewhat differently in the flight. I might've writ

The second pigeon flew away just as the first
The second pigeon flew off just as the first had
The second pigeon flew off just as the first pigeon had

If you add a comma after "flew off'" it might be assumed that the asker had inquired just exactly what it was that the second had done

Quote:
(B) The second pigeon flew just as the first one had flown away
Suggests the second took off almost immediately after the first (or "at the same moment" or "just after") but if not, that the second pigeon might have flown just like the first one had ; same expression, same sound, same flapping, same direction

Adding comma gets really complicated, but suggests the asker had been expecting him to leave by some other means; although not necessarily in the same way....

Quote:
(C) The second pigeon flew just as the first one had done


Also okay , pretty much as (A)

Another way to conclude: Lacking context, a variety of meanings might be inferred

But can't stay: Mom has come home with ice cream
ankurnkur
 
  0  
Reply Fri 4 Sep, 2015 04:58 am
@dalehileman,
This question was asked in my exam and I marked (B). Now, my teacher says (A) should be the answer.
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Fri 4 Sep, 2015 06:04 am
Your instructor is not a native speaker of English, i take it. A, B and C can all be used.
0 Replies
 
dalehileman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 4 Sep, 2015 05:09 pm
@ankurnkur,
That's interesting Ank 'cause A doesn't have quite the same meaning. In A after takeoff both might have hovered for a while whereas in B it's pretty certain they both had probably left for good and therefore I would have selected B also
0 Replies
 
selectmytutor
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Oct, 2015 06:19 am
@ankurnkur,
I think you should use "B" option.
0 Replies
 
Glennn
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Oct, 2015 08:44 am
When something feels awkward, sometimes a rewording is in order.
______________________________________________

Like the first pigeon, the second pigeon had also flown away.
dalehileman
 
  2  
Reply Fri 30 Oct, 2015 10:36 am
@Glennn,
Yea Glenn, though I might've said "second one," or even deleted the noun entirely or
Like the first one, the second pigeon...
Glennn
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Oct, 2015 03:38 pm
@dalehileman,
Yes, better.
dalehileman
 
  1  
Reply Fri 30 Oct, 2015 04:40 pm
@Glennn,
Thanks Glenn, it's not everyday...
0 Replies
 
 

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