Has anyone here ever had sex with an ostrich? I almost did.

I had been stumbling around the zoo for the better part of a day. The zoo was nearly empty and it was getting dark. I tilted my head back and took the last swig of whiskey from my quart and in doing so, noticed the ostrich staring at me demurely from the other side of the fence.

I looked around. No zookeepers in sight. Most of the patrons were gone as well, only a few kids tossing a frisbee in the distance.

I approached the ostrich. She looked good.... damn good.
Loosening my belt and dropping my pants I staggered toward the beautiful bird. My pants bunched around my ankles and I fell on the ground.

I swore I heard the ostrich giggle when that happened. Slowly rising to my feet, I tried to gain a modicum of dignity and started shuffling toward her again, slowly now, little steps, as my pants were still bunched around my ankles.

I reached the fence.

The ostrich batted her eyes and gave me a little love peck on the top of my head.

I was hot for action.

I'm well endowed, but the ostrich was over seven feet tall and even standing on my tiptoes that distance would be too great to navigate. I would simply end up frustrated, with my wavering javelin harmlessly flailing the air.

I needed a ladder.

The labored breathing of the ostrich sent me into a panic. She was obviously ready for action; her massive feet pawed the ground and great swirls of dust were kicked into the air. She let out a plaintive wailing sound, a sound that seemed to be saying, "Get a ladder...quickly!"

And then I saw it, by the rhino pen, a sturdy metal stepladder. Pulling my pants up I raced to the pen to grab the ladder.

A crowd of monkeys were apparently caught up and the action and began to scream and race around the branches of the trees over my head.
The polar bear stopped its incessant swimming and sauntered to the edge of its pen and calmly sat down, apparently ready for the show.
By the time I got back to the ostrich the entire zoo was in an uproar. Every animal was going crazy.

I positioned the ladder and began to climb. Higher and higher I climbed. Closer and closer to my ultimate quest -- the penetration of a magnificent African bird.

And then shouts snapped me out of my romantic reverie
"Hey!" the voices said, "What are you doing on that ladder?"
I found myself surrounded by men in orange uniforms. The dreaded zookeepers.

They pulled me down from my lofty perch and started dragging me away. I remember looking back at the ostrich and seeing her head drop in a disconsolate manner. She shuffled away and at that moment I felt my heart breaking.

The poor bird. That close to bliss and the cursed zookeepers have to shatter the dream.

I'm in jail now, and will be for awhile. Until they finish the tests.
But once I'm free.... the ostrich and I shall become one.
A man can dream, can't he?