Should I Leave my wife for my new lover?

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Where do I begin… I met my wife in university when I was 19 years old and she was 18. We dated for five years then bought our first house together and got married. We now have a two year old son together whom we both love very much.

I am a shift worker and was recently assigned to train a new female worker in my workplace. I'll refer to her as RB. RB will be with me for 500 hours prior to being able to work independently.

RB's training started at the end of May and we got along great. She was friendly, open-minded, and very attractive. She was a single 23 year old while I am a married 27 year old. It did not take long for us to start flirting at work which we both enjoyed. She lives around the corner from me so we also started carpooling together to save gas.

What started off as just flirting quickly led to conversations about sex and the fact that we were both craving something exciting. I never made an offer to her because I felt like it would be inappropriate, but I made it pretty clear that I was interested in her. She eventually asked me if I was interested in having casual sex with her, which I was unable to decline.

I had never strayed from my marriage prior to this date, but I was clearly lacking something in my relationship at home and spending all this time with RB had an amazing effect on me. I was always excited to go to work, I was always happy to spend time with her and flirt with her.

It wasn't long before we started sleeping together on a regular basis. We remained professional in the workplace but as soon as we left we couldn't get enough of each other. The sex was amazing, we had great chemistry, and we genuinely enjoyed each other's company.

I thought I would feel guilty for cheating on my wife.. But I was so consumed by RB that it never really crossed my mind. My wife and I rarely had sex, and we didn't communicate much either. I never neglected my son in the process and have always been there for him regardless of what I was doing with RB.

After a few weeks of sleeping together and spending many hours in each other's company, we both admitted to having feelings for each other. RB told me that she fantasized about being with me, but stated she would never ask me to leave my wife for her. We knew that things were starting to get complicated between us, and that it would be in our best interests to stop seeing each other, yet neither one of us had the will power to do so.

On two separate occasions, we had a discussion over the phone and decided that it would be best for us to give each other space and put an end to our affair. I should point out that after spending approximately 200 hours with me at work, RB had to go away for training for 4 weeks. She is scheduled to come back to work with me next week.

RB and I ended our phone conversations and were both torn and emotional about the situation. I felt like I was going through a break up and hated myself for doing so. I never lasted more than 24 hours without texting her and we quickly got back into things the moment we saw each other again.

Earlier this week, we had an argument in person and parted ways in an angry state. That same night, my wife and I had a discussion about how our marriage is falling apart, we are no longer communicating with each other, and we no longer have the "spark" that we had earlier on in our relationship. We had a serious discussion about whether we should separate or whether it's worth trying to fix our marriage.

She asked me if there was someone else in my life, and I just couldn't tell her the truth. I know for a fact that if I confessed and told her about RB, that would be the end of our marriage. I would be labelled a dirtbag by all of our friends and family.. which I know I deserve but I feel like that is a pretty terrible outcome. We talked about going to marriage counselling, which I think may be helpful, although I know I won't be able to be fully honest during those counselling sessions given the circumstances so I don't know whether we'll actually benefit from it.

At this point in time, I am completely heart broken over the fact that I am currently not with RB and we have decided not to talk to each other until she comes back to work. The last discussion we had ended with her saying that she can't handle being the other woman anymore, and that she wants me all to herself. She also told me that she has fallen in love with me. She said that if I wanted to work on my marriage, that I should do so, but that her and I will have to stop seeing each other and communicating outside of work.

I still have to train her for another 300 hours, which is not an ideal situation given the circumstances, but I have no other options. And I do care about her and want her to succeed at her job so I am prepared to remain professional with her throughout the rest of her training. It's just going to make it that much more difficult for me to get through this.

The last couple days I've been really bothered by what's been happening and I can't seem to stop thinking about RB. I think I might be in love with her as well and I'm afraid to lose her… I'm also afraid to walk away from my marriage and realize later on that I made a mistake.

I decided to make an appointment with a counsellor in order to get advice from an impartial third party. At this moment I am seriously contemplating leaving my wife to be with RB but I have not come to terms with it yet… If anyone has any suggestions or experiences to share with me regarding my situation I would greatly appreciate it…

Thanks for taking the time to hear me out.

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[+3] - jespah - 07/17/2015Good that you're going to a counselor. Go.

@yb0413,

Good that you're going to a counselor. Go.

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@yb0413,

You may have effectively shot yourself in the foot in both relationships. I feel for you...but ...! If your head clears and the passion and the fantasy life cools off...perhaps you'll think and feel differently. Remember there's a pentalty...as the mother of your child will be suffering.

What I mean by this is when you cheated while having marital difficulties by having an affair, you exposed both you, your wife and the other woman to the possibility of pain if it turned from a casual affair into a love relationship. Clearly it has done so. Now there are casualties everywhere. There's a high body count!

The best thing you can do is have counseling to sort out your head. That may or may not be in addition to marital counseling.

During that time, what happens to the other woman? Is she going to wait?

I don't mean this to be a morality lecture about what's moral or right..because that's not my point. This is just a case of cause-and-effect. If you go to marriage counseling, if you want to give your marriage another clean try to patch it up, you'll need to clear your mind..confess of the affair..and re-dedicate yourself to fixing it. However, if you do so, that means letting go completely of the other woman.

If instead, you end your marriage, then you'll have some painful steps...which means...if the relationship with the other woman fails, then you can't have regrets and go back with your future ex-wife. You might have the success of reconnecting with the other woman, but how should she feel about you in the future when the 2 of you might have a fight? She remembers that guy who cheated on your wife.

Complicated? Painful? Duplicitous?

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Thanks for your input Ragman.
You make a good point when you say that I may have shot myself in the foot… I realize that having an affair was the wrong thing to do in the first place. But now that I have gotten myself into this situation I have to face the consequences of my actions.
Regarding the possibility of me confessing about my actions… I am 100% sure that my wife would never forgive for doing that and will leave me right away. I think that going to counselling and working on our marriage is a viable option, however I think that if I do so I will just have to live with what I have done.

You are absolutely right when you say that I will go through some painful steps if I decide to end my marriage. It's going to be a rough ride and yes, there is a possibility that things with RB may not work out in the long run. I just have to decide whether or not it's worth taking that risk...

1 Reply

@yb0413,

I had a German boss who was in a bit of a situation like that, complicated by Bavarian law at the time making divorce a very long process, five years I think. What they did was guy moved out of the house to live with GF, and they all agreed to give it a go and see how it worked. THe kids were older and knew the score. When I knew the guy they had been doing this for about 2 years and had pretty much decided that they would finish the divorce, but I dont know how it turned out. Being poor because he was paying for two households and having his life not settled was hard on th guy, but manageable. I never met the wife or kids but according to guy and GF the arrangement worked well. GF of course was concerned that she might be wasting years on a guy she might not get in the end but she really wanted him.

I am thinking that maybe you and GF should live together for a year, and then everyone reevaluate. This arrangement takes three mature adults to work. The only real problem with this idea is that 2 years old seems to me to be a horrible time to put a kid through this.

As of yet unclear though is does this other woman really want you, and does wife want you enough to not unequivocally reach for the eject lever when she finds out you cheated?? Having two women who want you is a lot better than having zero.

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@yb0413,

I'd suggest telling both women that you will be going to see a counsellor on your own at this point. Let both of them know that you are not in a place to give either of them an answer. Consider ending the carpooling for now. It will not help anything.

Go to the counsellor. Talk.

Treat both women with respect. One is your coworker. One is your wife.

Make sure your child is happy.

Talk with the counsellor some more.

(keep in mind that there is a possibility that the affair will be exposed by a TP if any of the affair took place at your coworker's home - given its proximity to your home)

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@ehBeth,

Quote:

Let both of them know that you are not in a place to give either of them an answer

What is the question?

GF said she would never ask him to leave the wife and while wife and husband had a conversation about the marriage nothing was decided and nothing was asked of husband (expect if he is cheating, which he lied about).

I think what you meant to say was " dont do anything tell you talk this out with a pro". Language matters.

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My own view is that you got into the dating and marriage early, at a time when many men and women are still learning about themselves, still exploring a lot of interests, testing, testing, about what they want to do in life, who they are interested in being with. Later, long after commitment, you met someone who thrills you. Some of that can be from the edge that "illicit" brings to a love affair, but maybe now you know more about what you like and don't.

I think you could well do best by letting both women go and taking a few years to be on your own, well, more or less. There's some growing up to do, and I don't mean that as insulting. As it is, I don't think you are a favor to your wife or lover, you're a floater who needs to find his own feet.

Your wife deserves a person who will love her a long time, likely not you, and your child does too. You still get to love and care for your child.

1 Reply

@yb0413,

yb0413 wrote:

(wife)

we had a serious discussion about whether we should separate or whether it's worth trying to fix our marriage.

(RB)

she wants me all to herself.

right now, none of the three adults involved in this are happy with the state of the two relationships

the question is which woman (if either) is he going to have a relationship with

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@ossobuco,

Very much in agreement with ossobuco's comments.

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@yb0413,

No, you should not. Even though you marriage is falling apart you still have your son you can't rip his life up. He can't keep going back and forth just to see you two. You should stay with your wife for your son's sake.

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@yb0413,

A place I worked at had similar hours to train people before they worked independently. One of the trainers was in almost exactly the same position as you - married with a 2 year old child, and similar ages involved with him & his trainee.

He left his wife & child for the trainee....only for her say 'uh, it wasn't that kind of relationship'

Of course the stupidity of doing that before finding out exactly where things stood...well, I'm sure that he thought he did know where things stood.

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@yb0413,

Sorry to say fella, but you shouldn't have gotten married. If you actually believe in marriage, then would have been able to decline something so seemingly exciting. I understand what type of feelings that you were intwined with. I do. They were most likely reminders of how you felt about your wife when things were exciting and original. Did you ask yourself about the promises that she and you made to eachother before going for what simply makes you excited and lustful? Look, I'm not trying to complicate your situation more, or scold you like some little skirt hound. You will be presented with scenarios in the same genre of excitement for a lot more of your life. Everyone is effectively in that same situation. It's called human sexuality. You basically need to ask yourself some simple questions. What will you need in your life. Who will REALLY be there if you need them? What do you know about your heart? Who knows your heart? People are everywhere. Sexy, stunning, enticing women are all arround. Anyone could leave someone for another at any given time. To have promised somebody the things that people promise when they unite in marriage, that does go beyond the individual. Good wives aren't just stumbled upon. Also, you've got to consider how you would take the news if your wife did what you've been doing. Oh, also, ask yourself, if this woman that you are involved with could go after a married man, could she probably leave one? Just saying.

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@yb0413,

First off i get the feeling you are already blaming your marriage for this instead of a flaw inside of you. Sure yeah a hunger inside of you that your wife cannot fulfill because you want it from another.

This other woman is not special. She is a woman willing to have casual sex and DESTROY another woman marriage. RUIN a little boys life. YOU GOT THAT BABE? you have just RUINED threatened the future of your son. The future you and your wife pictured well that is now shattered.... When you wife finds out you will be scrambling to pick up the pieces.

You liked the girl. Attraction is NATURAL. cheating is natural too. Not acceptable in a monogamous relationship, but it happens right? Okay, so why did you cheat? Maybe you liked the EGO STROKING the woman being interested in you gave you a rush. The sex was a rush because the interaction with you affair person is like a drug. Maybe you even felt less attention from your wife. Well dude...did you ever think to talk to your wife abut what was missing. what made you WANT to cheat. Yes want. this woman did not drug you it did not just happen. YOU WANTED IT TO HAPPEN. that is why you had sexual conv's to feel out the other woman.

this other woman is a tramp. yup.... not as great as your wife who has been busy keeping house and raising your son while you THINK you are in love. Poor man... You will not like the end to your story. Nope. It will end bad and everyone will know what a DIRTBAG (your words not mine) that you are.

God i sound like a bitch.... But you asked our opinion. Sorry if my opinion comes across as a bitter hag. Lol....I just think you don't really get it. You only see YOU.

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@yb0413,

Im in a Similar situation. I cheated on my husband, and was falling out of love with him for months. I cheated on him with on of his close friends. This man and i have had feeling for each other for years, never acted on them because of situations, and we each seemed happy.
We recently became emotionally and physically involved, since july. I'm not in love with my husband. I do love this other man, and want to be with him.
But, i also am having a very hard time letting go of my husband. We have a 18 month old son together and he has 2 girls from a previous marriage. I feel terrible for making him feel like death, and hate life every day.
I know what i should do, but i dont want to.
I need to stop seeing this other man, and be with my family, and see if there is anything left for my husband.
Its not fair for this other man, nor is it fair for this girl, in your case. Neither of us are truly free to be woth these other people.

I guess we both need to be adults and do what is best for others, and at least try a little bit more.

I have been to marriage counseling,twice, which my husband did not want to go, he hated it.
I loved it, would have liked to have gone more.
Good luck, we both truly know what we need to do, its just the act of doing.

1 Reply

Should I Love my wife for my new liver?

An inspirational story about life-saving transplant from husband to wife.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

There must be 50 ways to love your liver.

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@yb0413,

Update on my situation, my wife found out about the affair 3 months ago. She knows we got attached and I confessed to having an emotional affair with her but couldn't bring myself to confess to the physical part of it.

I posted a second article in October as I am new to this forum and was not aware that I could provide updates on my own post. I appreciate all the input I have received and I am taking this very seriously. The affair has completely devastated my wife. She has cried almost every single day since she found out and I selfishly never gave any thought as to how much this would affect her.

I have completed 5 sessions with a counsellor and have made some progress in understanding why I engaged in this type of behaviour. I have done 2 marriage counselling sessions with my wife as well.

I haven't spoken to RB at all in approximately 6 weeks. I still run into her at work once in a while but we merely acknowledge each other and move on.

My feelings for RB have not gone away and I still find myself thinking about her every single day. I am definitely still infatuated and wondering what it would be like to be with her. I have come to realize though that if I end my marriage, my wife would never approve of RB or want her to be around our son. I also think she would likely get into a curstody dispute with me, which I really want to avoid.

I am looking forward to the day that my feelings for RB will start dissipating and I can stop obsessing about her. I still don't know whether I want to remain married or if I have damaged my relationship beyond repair. I betrayed my wifes trust and I'm not sure she'll ever be able to get past this.

I will continue the marriage counselling for now and hope that things improve between us. Thanks to all of you who took the time to hear me out and gave me advice!

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@yb0413,

Hey

This is a very complicated situation. I honestly don't know if I wanted to help because what you did as you've pointed out is definitely cheating. Was your wife good to you? Do you think she is capable of doing the things you did to her?

Now I don't want to intrude in your private life. In my opinion you can choose anyone you want. But I think your wife deserves to know the truth. The only concern I have is your child. Think what's best for him. If you and your wife is not happy anymore and wants to separate then it's your choice. Just think about your son and not your sake.

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@yb0413,

You want to stop obsessing about RBiotch (Homewrecker) Best way to do that is to see her for what she is... less than your wife. See your wife as the faithful (DEVASTATED loving spouse) who is trying to get over YOUR selfishness. All this reaming you here i am sorry, you are hurting, but for the wrong reasons. You have the affair goggles on. Good luck. You still don't see what you have done yet. When you do you will see the other woman for a low moral person and your actions for the BAD ones that they are and you will want to change. I don't think you want to change yet. But i think you are on your way. i really feel for your wife. Sounds like she is trying to give you a chance, but you don't yet deserve it. key word....YET. its not too late for you.

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Should I Leave my wife for my new lover?

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