Affair Partner doesn't feel the same anymore

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Hi. I've been in a relationship with a woman for around 7 months - were both married to other people.
I recently caught her lying to me about a weekend trip with her friend in Europe only to learn that her friend never left the UK. I confrinted her and she told me she would talk to me later. She didn't contact me a that weekend and came back saying her friend made her promise not to say what they were doing.

Anyway.....After a few days it all blows over and we are back on track. Then she tells me her husband has told her he wants a divorce. She then says she needs to think about her life.

I say I'm there for her 100% and even ask her to fight for her marriage. If she wants to.

But in the last month she has literally cut me.out of her life. We used to chat 7-10 times a day and talk at least twice a day. Now I haven't spoke to her in a week and she messages once maybe twice a day.

I am deeply heart broke. Not because I may lose a lover but because I lost my best friend. She doesn't discuss any intimacy, we had a full in sexy Al relationship before all this. She doesn't discuss any of her feelings about divorce or us for that matter. Nothing. We just say how was your day blah blah blah and dance around being nice to each other for a few minutes.

Each time I try to explain my feelings she just says don't say it. That she can't handle any discussions like that right now.

I'm so pained. I wait for her message all dsy and night but nothing comes. Sometimes she messages me and I'm blown away but it last for a few minutes before she shoots off. This hurts me even more bit I don't think she has realised how much it pains me. We used to talk for 3/4 hours before.

What do I do? My feeling is that I tell her.my feelings and that I want to give her the space to decide. To me it seems like a burden to her that she has to message me everyday. It was a promise that she has kept since we've known each other.

Then I think I'm being to hard on her and should just man up and get on with my life. After all, I'm married too.

It feels like she has died. The pain is simply unbearable and I am lost.

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@Titaniste,

Yes, you're married, too.

You seem to have a ton of time on your hands. Why not use that time productively, instead of waiting around for a call or a text? Productive as in - if you have kids, spend time with them. If not, maybe spend time with, I dunno, your wife? Work overtime. Go to school. Take up bungee jumping. Read. Garden. Go to the gym.

Whatever it is, you have a hole in your life. So fill it. I would say to work on your marriage but you seem less than enthused about doing that. So at the very least work on yourself.

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@jespah,

Don't get me wrong, I dote on my kids and we've been together for the whole weekend doing home work, activities, lunches, movies - I haven't neglected them in the slightest . They don't deserve that

Wife works in weekend and basically we don't see each other so much. Anyways, that's another story.

I've taken up some serious exercising to work away the blues, in fact I just did press ups before I came to bed!

Trying to keep myself busy but would value someone's insight if they experienced anything similar. Do I tell her to walk ? Do I hanG in there for the both of us?

Thanks

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@Titaniste,

You both have primary relationships. Hers may be ending.

If you care about her as a friend - best friend - let her sort that out.

If you want to be there for her as a friend in the future, let her know that and also let her know that you are fine with her taking all the time she needs to sort that out. That's what friends do for friends. They think of their friend's needs at times like this, not their own.

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@ehBeth,

Thanks for the advice. I think this is the way forward as I won get very far making demands on her.

I just wish she could have told me earlier rather than leave me to figure it all out:-(

Am going to try and meet her this week and tell her. I'm trembling just thinking about it. I've never been in love so much as I am with her.

X

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@Titaniste,

Titaniste wrote:

I just wish she could have told me earlier rather than leave me to figure it all out:-(

you need to keep in mind that this is about what she needs and how you can support her as a friend

talking about love isn't going to help her

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@ehBeth,

I messaged her today and told her we need to have that 'chat' we discussed a while back.

She said that she knows I'm looking for answers but she doesn't have them right now.....her priority is her kids. I told her to stop and said I dont have any questions and that I just need to talk to her. I told her I want her to be free.

She called me later (we spoke after 10 days) and she said she knew what I was about to say and that I'm thinking too much! We shared some laughs and she tried to disuade me from saying it. I told her I want to see her face to face.....she agreed.

She did however say it doesn't make a difference whether I do or don't (worth noting I haven't actually said that I'm going to give her space etc.) Didn't really understsnd that part. I told her that it hard for me too, I think at that point the penny dropped and it finally made sense to her.

Anyway.....am going to give her 6 weeks space so she can get her head straight. Will offer her my friendship as and when she needs it. But remove her obligation to message me everyday and wish me a good day etc. Hoping to see her before the week is out!

Wish me luck. I feel soooo much better from the advice and thinking through things. Tip: I emailed myself all the things I waned to tell her in bullet points and re-read them to myself over and over again. That process healed me so much I cannot begin to explain. Try it - if youre foolishly end up in a position like me!

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@Titaniste,

Quote:

Anyway.....am going to give her 6 weeks space so she can get her head straight. Will offer her my friendship as and when she needs it. But remove her obligation to message me everyday and wish me a good day etc. Hoping to see her before the week is out!

Wish me luck. I feel soooo much better from the advice and thinking through things. Tip: I emailed myself all the things I waned to tell her in bullet points and re-read them to myself over and over again. That process healed me so much I cannot begin to explain. Try it - if youre foolishly end up in a position like me!

You know? Both of you had / have something missing in your marriage.

There truly is no room for hide and seek and a woman can also feel disgusted in herself in the knowing that she is "cheating". You say you will give her 6 weeks, then hope to see her before the week is out and tell her all the dot points.

This is good that you can see a person and create a list of things but this woman does not belong to you, she doesn't belong to her husband she doesn't belong to herself, she is feeling lost and needs space. If there was such a bond and connection (sorry) she would still be conversing with you. She doesn't want to, she wants to be alone.

Please hear her words that she is constantly telling you. Give her that space.

She is telling you it doesn't matter if she talks on the phone or sees you face to face, she is not up for continuing this affair any more. She wants to sort her own life out and find out what she wants.

I truly think you need to do the same. Find out what it was you liked about this lady and what parts you can take back into your own marriage and make that marriage better.

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I think you are panicking because you have lost your "distraction" and now must face the condition of your own marriage.

Your lover has completed this step already. She is now getting a divorce. She no longer needs something "on the side" (i.e. you) to make her feel better. She is now going to be free to find it - as a free, divorced woman.

I have a feeling that you won't be needed any more.

You used each other all this time. Let it go and face your own life.

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@Titaniste,

ok based on the new info, it really is time for you to stop contacting her

leave her to sort her life out

do not contact her again

if there is a place for you in her life once she's sorted she will contact you

if she does contact you in the next few days simply let her know she is under no obligation to maintain daily contact with you

if you truly consider her a friend, you will treat her as a friend and give her the time and freedom to sort things out for herself and her children

(if it comes to it, are you in a position to support her and her children as well as your family?)

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Hi to both of you.

Firstly, good to hear the points mentioned about her eventually being a free woman and finding someone and doesn't have to sneak around. The thought had already crossed my mind. I guess that's the bit I can't handle. I cant support her family and mine , but I know she's already mentioned she needs to figure out her finances....she is worried.

I do need some closure though. I need to see her one last time and tell her she is free, free of her promise to me that she would never end our relationship. Free to stop messaging me every morning wishing me another wonderful day. Whilst these messages are the reason I wake up so early every morning they break my heart as I don't hear anything again from her until the next day. But sometimes when she misses me she calls me. She is going away for those 6 weeks and I think that time would be good for her to get over me (who am i kidding - she already has!) And more importantly time for me to refocus on my life and mend myself.

Beth - did this ever happen to you? Has anyone else experienced this?

Thank you everyone.

1 Reply

@Titaniste,

Titaniste wrote:

I need to see her one last time and tell her she is free, free of her promise to me that she would never end our relationship. Free to stop messaging me every morning wishing me another wonderful day.

you may want to see her but as a friend you need to try to be less selfish and think how this will be easiest for her - not you

the thing for a friend to do here is to leave her a message saying that she is free to take the time she needs to sort things out - that she doesn't need to contact you again until that is complete - that you understand that the previous relationship will not continue as it did

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@ehBeth,

Well....this is what happened.....I just received a message to say don't contact me again....looks like we are done. It's all settled then.......

Take care folks and learn from my mistake. Affairs NEVER have happy endings. Someone will ALWAYS get hurt.

The rest is up to you!

1 Reply

@Titaniste,

So I hope that, that means you won't attempt to locate someone else and have another affair.

One person always gets hurt and sometimes 4.

I hope that you can find ways to be happy with your wife now.

1 Reply

@FOUND SOUL,

Hi. I'm too broken to look for a replacement. I don't think I will again.
I had my fun. Then I got dumped by email. She couldn't even bring herself to tell me to my face or on the phone. She concocted a story about her hubby seeing my last message.
Gonna focus on life at home.

1 Reply

@Titaniste,

Quote:

I had my fun

I don't think that it's a game. You know. I would suggest that you don't look for a replacement and that you do exactly what you have stated, focus on your own marriage.

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Affair Partner doesn't feel the same anymore

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