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Sun 5 Jul, 2015 01:20 pm
bare with me.. It's a lot of info.
Our story is complicated! We have been married for 22 years, with 4 children. Our married wasn't perfect, but we were generally happy, or so I thought.
My husband has a very demanding job and works out of state and he travels all over the world, with a team of guys.
We have been living this way for roughly 5 years. We decided to not move our children around and we would just make the sacrifice of living apart and living for the time we had together.
My husband told me he has been cheating on my for the last 5 months (it wasn't just a lay, it was a relationship...his words) and that she is pregnant, two weeks ago. It was actually the day before my surgery and then he ran away. He kept telling me he would be home as soon as he can, he needed to end things with the girl.
Finally he emailed me the whole truth, or his truth. I do believe him. I do plan to fight for him. I'm not willing to give up 22 years. He finally came home six days after he first told me. I was so hurt that he wasn't there for my surgery and the recovery. I just wanted him home. I begged for him to come home. But he kept saying he had to end things with this girl. He had to get things from her place. He told her he was going to be with his family and came home. She knows he lied about being married and separated, she also knows I know she is pregnant.
We only had one week to deal with this natural disaster, that he created. As he had to report back to work, in the same state and town where she lives.
During that week, he was distant or acted as nothing has changed. We did have several conversations about the affair. He thought he loved her, he thought he had feelings for her. Maybe he still does. He is internalizing most of his feelings. He has said he feels like a piece of **** for what he has done to us and to this girl, who now has to raise a child without him. He wouldn't touch me most of the week. We did make the mistake of having sex the day he came home. It was horrible... Mostly because how he was, no intimacy.. I felt like I was being paid. But we did connect sexually again the day he left. It was very intimate and exactly whatI needed. It had been 6 months since I was with him, he on the other hand had been having plenty of sex with this other woman.
He has blocked all communications from her, text email, phone calls and Facebook. I also deactivated my Facebook. I know he has tremendous guilt and isn't dealing with it. This makes me feel that he has feelings for her. He says he doesn't and that he wouldn't be home, if he was choosing her. I'm not sure he can deal with it himself, but is so private he won't talk to anyone.
They met in January, she worked at the hotel he was staying in. He says it wasn't anything but professional for a while, but then somehow got her number and started to text. She asked him if he was married and he said no. Some of the guys he works with ask the same and he told them we were separated. He was living a completely double life. She asked him move in with her and he said yes, but says he never really did. He was still paying for his hotel and would go there when they would argue. Basically he lied to everyone to save his ass.
In the past he would come home every couple weeks, stay for the weekend, go back to work for a few weeks and come home and stay for a week or two. but this time I hadn't seen him for six months. Our communication changed, no flirting on text messages, we weren't sending pictures of ourselves to each other. In June, he came home three times in a matter of three weeks. all three times he wouldn't touch me ( this is when he found out she was pregnant) and he couldn't wait to get away from me. the whole time I kept telling him, I feel like you don't want to be with me anymore. He just kept saying that, that's not true, he's just really busy working. Which was true, he was working 16 hour days and was exhausted, but he found time to give another woman his attention.
He says he doesn't know why it happened, he wishes that he had said yes he was married and I know he has great remorse and guilt over this but he's not showing it.
His current schedule is: he'll be in town where she is for a while, then he will be in Germany and then, Texas then, China, Japan. He will be home in between traveling and he'll be in town, where she is.
He plans to get a lawyer so All contact between him and her is to go through the lawyer and once the baby is born, it will have to remain that way as well. That's what we have agreed to. I've also told him that if he runs into her, he has to tell me. there's no way for me to build trust if he continues to lie.
I have made a vow to fight for
My husband and to accept this innocent child. But he has to try to understand my feelings and emphasize them.
Thanks for reading!
K
@Kimsnsc,
I'm trying to figure out where your surgery fits into this mess. It seems like it's a big deal, then you say you connected sexually afterwards? Perhaps the wording is unclear.
Be that as it may - your husband has certainly been playing both sides against the middle. You say you want to fight for him, and I believe you, but I can't help wondering if this isn't his first time doing this. After all, he knew to lie, knew to keep a separate hotel room, etc. This might not be the only surprise out there.
I highly recommend couples counseling, or go alone if he won't come along. For one thing, regardless of your decisions in the matter, you need to prepare yourselves for the addition of a child into your lives. For if he is named as the father on the birth certificate, he is likely going to be paying child support, even if he never wants to see the kid. I also highly recommend a DNA test for the kid and some STD tests for everyone. You can't be too careful. He's already proven that he's pretty cavalier about the truth in some areas - perhaps he is in others.
@jespah,
Thanks for your reply!
I had a tumor in my breast, thankfully benign. My husband came home for a two week break , 3 days before my surgery. He decided to run away because couldn't face me, the same day I picked him up from th airport. He said he would be back for the surgery. but instead of coming back, he told me over the phone that he had been cheating on me. He came back 4 days after my surgery. At that point I was pissed off more that he couldn't be there for me for my surgery then the actual affair . Sounds crazy I know but I just wanted him with me .
As far as connecting with him, I haven't had sex with my husband in six months, because he has been away for work . I have been wanting him so much. At first when he was here for the week, couldn't touch me, after talking a lot anout the affair, how we both felt. I don't know if he did it just make me feel better but it was a real connection like it normally would've been, very intimate and loving.
As far as the child that will be born, he plans to pay child support and he hopes to be part of a child's life. he would never just abandon any child, we have four children and he's a good dad. He has spoken to a lawyer and has cut all communication off with this woman. So he says !
I've made it very clear that he is to have no contact with her ever, a mediator will have to be involved when it comes to visitation or communications with her.
I've asked him if this was the first time and he says yes but he's lied to her so many times and me over the past six months, so there isn't much trust.
Thanks for listening
K
@Kimsnsc,
Also about the hotel room, he works for a race team in a different state and all the guys that are on the team, that live out of state stay in a hotel. So he never gave up his room. he would stay with her sometimes and then he would stay at his hotel sometimes.
K
@Kimsnsc,
Quote:the day before my surgery
Could we please nail this down? Is this a 20 minute in the doctors office tissue sample? A breast removal with a three day hospital stay?
@hawkeye10,
I had a 10 cm Phylodes benign tumor removed, in hospital under Anastasia. Roughly the size of a plum. Worst case scenario was a mastectomy, fortunately I had best guess scenario . The tumor was basically encapsulated in itself and did not grow into my breast tissu, it just pushed up against it. I do not have a big Divet or hole of my breast. I was admitted for one night, this was major surgery .
K
@Kimsnsc,
Then you needed care. You needed to be driven home, for one thing.
@jespah,
I did, I had my friends and my daughter that helped me. His excuse was he had to break things off with her before he could come home . He was in Georgia staying with a friend she is in Indiana and we live in South Carolina.
This is why this is almost harder for me than the affair because he wouldn't come home to help me and then he drove from Georgia to Indiana to break things off with her face-to-face before he would come home to me .
K
@Kimsnsc,
Quote:then he drove from Georgia to Indiana to break things off with her face-to-face
Maybe.
Men value where they spend their time. You seem to know this already so what do you want with us?
@hawkeye10,
I don't want anything from you.. I'm just looking for a sympathetic ear.
@Kimsnsc,
Kimsnsc wrote:
I don't want anything from you.. I'm just looking for a sympathetic ear.
I am sorry that you picked a creep.
My work is done.
@Kimsnsc,
I'm sorry this happened. But, yeah, he chose where to spend his time.
@Kimsnsc,
I'm sorry to read of this painful situation. You have my sympathy.
When he wasn't there for your operation, he made a horrible situation worse. For me , coupling the cheating, pregnancy and lying - adds up to reconcilable differences. This is not worth saving or fighting for, IMHO. I'm sure you don't want to hear this. Affording the support of another child means retirement or college saving evaporated. That isn't even accounting for the time and visits with the child and childcare. That's time away from his/your family. Unless he's planning on being an absentee father. Wonder how the moms insurance and healthcare benefits are?
@Ragman,
Your right, but I still plan to try. I have told him that his visitations with the child will be with me.
The only thing I know about this girl is she is divorced with an 8 yr old son and that she is an operations manager, at a hospitality group. AND she is going to make our lives a living hell! If that's even possible now.
@Kimsnsc,
wow
bad situation
keep in mind that you are not necessarily going to have a say in the visitation arrangements. you are, at this point, a third party to the relationship between your husband and his new child - and that child's mother.
I hope your children are going to be ready to welcome their new sibling to their lives.
Trying to turn the blame to the mother of your husband's new child is not going to be helpful. She was not part of the relationship between you and your husband. He is the one who chose to start a new relationship.
it's sad to read that he wasn't strong enough to end one relationship before starting another.
I hope that all of you are learning from this as you're all going to have to be strong and mature in dealing with the reality of the new child coming.
Good luck to all of you and blessings on the new baby.
@Kimsnsc,
Kimsnsc wrote: . . . I have told him that his visitations with the child will be with me.
The only thing I know about this girl is she is divorced with an 8 yr old son and that she is an operations manager, at a hospitality group. AND she is going to make our lives a living hell! If that's even possible now.
I think your hubby is responsible for making your lives a "living hell", not the other woman. After all, he lied to her too. It may feel better to direct your anger at the other woman, but then you're avoiding the real problem. It may not matter what edicts you pronounce because your hubby will most likely agree and say whatever he thinks you want to hear. He has discovered that he can do whatever he wants behind your back. He now knows, however, that he must be more careful in the future. Unless he quits his traveling job and you put spyware on all of his communication devices and track his movements 24/7, you will just have to trust him ... and that might be the hardest thing of all to do.
You're suffering from fresh wounds and a whirlwind of emotions. Right now you want to save your marriage and keep your hubby (as if he is some prize). Your feelings are likely to vacillate and change over the next several months. The most important thing is to take care of yourself.
@Debra Law,
Debra Law wrote:
I think your hubby is responsible for making your lives a "living hell", not the other woman. After all, he lied to her too. It may feel better to direct your anger at the other woman, but then you're avoiding the real problem. It may not matter what edicts you pronounce because your hubby will most likely agree and say whatever he thinks you want to hear. He has discovered that he can do whatever he wants behind your back. He now knows, however, that he must be more careful in the future. Unless he quits his traveling job and you put spyware on all of his communication devices and track his movements 24/7, you will just have to trust him ... and that might be the hardest thing of all to do.
You're suffering from fresh wounds and a whirlwind of emotions. Right now you want to save your marriage and keep your hubby (as if he is some prize). Your feelings are likely to vacillate and change over the next several months. The most important thing is to take care of yourself.
Sound advise all the way around.
@ehBeth,
Thank you everyone for your advice it really helps!
When I said she was going to make our lives a living hell l, those are his words.
I certainly don't have any anger towards her, I know she's been manipulated and lied to also . If anything, I'm jealous of her because she had my husband for the last five months .
I've read so many articles and I know people try. After a while they just can't get past it and it ends in divorce. I have a long road ahead of me and I'm hoping for the best,
Ty
K
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