Wed 7 Jul, 2004 06:41 pm
Here's a story I wrote. What do you think?
The slimy politician walked down the suburban street, unaware, as usual, of the world around him. His expensive shoes crackled the stone sidewalk beneath him with every step he took. He turned the corner, and--
Tarzan jumped from a nearby tree and landed perfectly on his feet right in front of the politician.
The slimy politician stopped dead in his tracks, barely controlled the urge to piss his pants, and stared wide-eyed at Tarzan.
Tarzan sniffed and grunted.
The slimy politician tried to think of what to do, and then came up with the only trick he knew. He tried to bullshit Tarzan.
"Tarzan! Do you know that I'm a big supporter of environmental issues?" The slimy politician smiled widely as he said this, and then he made a fatal error. He extended his arm to shake hands.
The slimy politician pissed himself like a frightened puppy as Tarzan grabbed him by the head and bit off a large chunk of his nose. He fell backwards with blood pouring from his face.
Tarzan shouted primitively, "TARZAN NO LIKE HANDSHAKE!", as he jumped on the slimy politician, who was in the process of shitting himself and falling.
Tarzan got on top of the politician and began pummeling him in the face with his powerful jungle fists. Blood splashed out of the slimy politician's face with each blow. The Lord of The Jungle began chanting and shouting over and over as he bashed in the slimy politician's face. "TARZAN NO LIKE HANDSHAKE! TARZAN NO LIKE HANDSHAKE!" Spit flew out of his mouth as he raged like an animal. Bones crunched like eggshells as fist after fist turned the slimy politician's face into a sloppy mixture of blood, bone and brain. The pummeling went on for twenty minutes or more, with Tarzan's chants echoeing into the open sky above. After a while Tarzan got tired and went home.
Tarzan no like handshake.
It's a good start. You need the monkey intervening (was it Cheetah?) and a humurous but courageous scene involving Tarzan's 'son' Boy (more like a juvenile love slave, if 'Tarzan Finds a Son' is to be believed). Also, where is Jane in the sexy jungle dress weeping and crying in the background? You do need at least one or two "Ungawas" to complete the story as well. Otherwise, pretty good.
Very good critique, cav. Might I also suggest that the "slimy politician" needs a name? How about Donald? Or Dick?
Jungle drums would be good, too.
Thanks for the input. You are both completely wrong, but thank you.
One more question. Do either of you think the story's message is too subtle?
I mean, I want this to be in a children's storybook someday. I am working on one now called "Jesus vs. The Slimy Politician", and "Jason vs. The Slimy Politician" is on it's way as well. Just my way of doing something for the kids, and in turn, for the world.
The storyline needs a bit of development.
I'll leave that to you, of course.
If you want this to be in a children's book, you need to substitute "doo doo" for "****," and "pee pee" for "piss." Or No. 1 and No. 2...
Sorry you didn't like my names.
I know that, silly! I was trying to make you laugh!
Oh sorry, that sad face at the end of your post just looked so sincere.
I WAS sincere!...sincerely sad that you weren't amused by the names Donald or Dick for a slimy politician. I thought one of those would be perfect.
I also thought for sure you'd laugh at such prudish language as "doo doo" and "pee pee" coming from me. Guess I'm gonna hafta work on my image.
Yeah, maybe you should start throwing the f-bombs around the "insane three word story" thread. Hee hee.
You're image is fine, in my book. I think you are wonderful just the way you are.
(I like to save the word "f*ck" for the political threads, btw...no sense wasting it on humor.