Confused and Lost. Do I wait?

Forums: Relationships, Widower, Friendship, Break Up
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So, we're going to call my guy John. John and I have known each other for 8 years. He used to hook up with my older sister and lived with us for a while. He ended up not being with my sister but still lived with us. We both got really close but I was 14 and he was 22, he didn't feel right about it and I understood. I got closer to him than I have with any other guy. Eventually he moved out but would still visit and talk to me. Then I moved states away and we grew apart but kept in touch with the occasional Facebook message.

He was with his girlfriend "Marie" for 4 years and they were married for about a month. He had a son with her and then she had their daughter premature. She died about a week after, suddenly from a brain anerism. I have voiced my sympathies and feel no jealousy towards her and he talks about her openly.

We started talking again around the anniversary of her death when I saw that he had moved down here. He started off his old, playful, friendly self. Then he started flirting and I tried to turn him down because I didn't want a a relationship. After 3 months I agreed to let him come over and we hung out and cuddled but nothing more. Then he seemed a little distant after but wanted to see me that weekend. Even drove an hour to meet me halfway with his two kids. We hung out over the weekend and at night we cuddled and made out, things got a little heated but didn't go too far.

After that week he got even more distant and then left to see his family for a few weeks and bring the kids to see hers. I mentioned him being distant and asked if he wanted a relationship. He said he did but he might have rushed it too soon. I told him I'd be willing to try again when he was ready. He said he wanted to be friends but still seems distant and now that he's with her family he ignores everything, all the way down to viewing my story on Snapchat which he always did before. I'm giving him his space but fear he'll never talk to me again.

I'm just lost and feeling so confused. I don't know if he just wants to forget about me and us all together or what. I can honestly say that I really care for this man and his kids are amazing. I just would like some insight from someome who may understand it better.

Please help me? I'm so torn.

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 1,948 • Replies: 14

How long has he been a widower?

You are familiar to him. You are his past - from WAY back. It's comforting to him.

His present state is unbearable to him. He is coping with grief AND the caretaking of his children and their grief AND his inlaw's grieving, too.

You are going to have to give him time to sort all this out. Then again, it may not turn out like you want.

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@PUNKEY,

His wife passed away a year and 3 months ago. Which was why I was still hesitant. I didn't want to get into anything he wasn't ready for but he kept assuring me that he was. Then, like I said, he withdrew and said he wasn't ready "right now".

Then we talked for a few days, more than we had been but the closer he got to seeing her family, he's stopped talking. I want to give him his space but we hardly ever go a day without talking, besides two days ago when he didn't message of call at all. Plus, I don't want him thinking I'm not thinking of him or that I don't care for him. I guess I'm just worried he's going to forget about me now that he used me for a pick me up...

Though if that is the case, I guess it's best for me to leave him alone and let him figure it out.

This has just left me lost..

1 Reply

@JaimeLynn,

Quote:

I guess it's best for me to leave him alone and let him figure it out.

Not only that, but perhaps when you're feeling ready to get there for your own health...seek other friends and activities to fill your time..even consider dating others. There's a certain amount of dependency (we all get that way) at that early NEW stage of a relationship. He was premature going there with you.

For your mental well-being, you need to find a way to break that habit of relying on him. His indecision and vacillation has become toxic to you. Consider there could be a possibility you might need to move on. He was/were premature as far as involving someone new being intimate..and also way too early to introduce his children to his new lady. Whether or not it was intentional or even conscious on his part, he needs to be more responsible and responsive to someone else ...to you!

1 Reply

@Ragman,

I know it is probably for the best to just let him call the shots. I don't want to be anymore hurt than I already am. I'm trying to look at it as, if he really cares, he'll make contact with me again when he's ready but I am doing my best not to just be waiting around. I'm talking to other guys again and that helps and I've also been trying to keep myself busy. It just seems like, when night time comes creeping up, the feelings come up and I miss him saying, "Sleep sweet, beautiful."

I've only had one relationship before him and it was short lived without a lot of emotional connections. He just felt right and I have never felt that before. I knew I shouldn't have let myself get so close to him and I think that's a big part of the problem, my brain is telling me, "I told you so." I didn't trust my gut and now I have feelings for a man who's probably trying to forget what we had.

I really am doing my best to just keep my distance because it's what's best for me and my mind but it can feel hard sometimes. I guess I'm just hurt, even though he didn't sincerely apologize.

But even more so, I don't want to lose him because he has been my friend for 8 years.

I do appreciate your advice though because I have been so confused. Thank you for taking the time to help guide me.

1 Reply

@JaimeLynn,

I'll take the liberty by speaking for others here as well as for me: You're welcome. Please come back and chat with us and let us know how you're doing, as you feel up for it.

Know that in your foreseeable future (if you let it happen), there'll be others that will 'move the needle' and, perhaps, even more so than did this guy. Life experiences and romances for you will be many -- because you feel things deeply.

Some of that intensity was a fantasy. If he cares for you as a person, he'll re-establish a real relationship with you..soon. Don't be surprised if what he wants and can handle is a friendship. This may not be OK for you. Especially after he let you down so badly.

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@JaimeLynn,

i think you should wait and see how he works out with it..if he feels you that way he will come back to you..but if he doesnt feel about you in that way then you should probably let it go..let him figure it out..

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@JaimeLynn,

I think that this relationship would fail like it did with your sister and his current wife. Logic dictates he is the problem.
I doubt if he can seriously look farther into the relationship than the sex. Conversation, social activities and other relationship status's drop and disappear when the man has no further INTENSIONS than sex.
wanting more, and intending to contribute more are two different things.
If eh is leaving his wife because he is lazy, has no social life, and doesn't respect her. DOn't expect anything else from him.
He will not likely contribute anything positive to your life. It will be a short fling with a man who failed to impress his wife, your sister, and cannot think of a way to keep you or express himself. Because he himself is a lazy pervert.

that is my educated opinion.

1 Reply

@GorDie,

His relationship with my sister ended because she wanted to sleep around with other people and he wanted a steady relationship. His wife DIED suddenly after she had their child and that was his last relationship. He loved her very much. He's not much of a "fling" type of guy.

Did you read what I posted? He was married to his wife for a month before she passed away and the reason he has a hard time being with me is because he still loves his late wife. So please do not insult him so bluntly when you have not met him and clearly did not read what I wrote.

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@heisenberg077,

Well he has started talking to me more but its really not the same. Hez more sarcastic when feelings are mentioned and seems to act like everything is a joke. It's like he's just trying to push me away which is fine but he needs to do it in a better way. I know he wants to remain friends but I don't want to be friends with someone who takes everything sarcastixly and like its a joke.

Before he went out of his way to make me feel special. Now it's like he's going out of his way to make me feel unimportant and like the least special thing in his life. I'm just confused. If I don't reply to his texts before he'd ask if I wasn't talking to him, now he just keeps sending me random texts. I'm lost at trying to understand him.

He was so good at working things out emotionally when he wanted us to go out. He took things seriously and with maturity. Now it feels like I'm talking to a 14 year old.

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@JaimeLynn,

You should tell him exactly that...in person. Forget texting ...this is important...and should be done face-to-face.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

I know it should be but he lives over 2 hours from me and is currently still gone on vacation, states away. He's coming back for a week and has mentioned me going to hang out with him since he won't have his kids, which would be a great time to talk but I worry he may try turning things into a booty call. I don't know, that's not like him but I fear that most because it would hurt the most.

1 Reply

@JaimeLynn,

If you decide you want to speak with him, arrange to do it somewhere public, not in someone's home. Meet him in a museum or a park on an afternoon. Take coffee and walk and talk.

From what you've posted, it seems like it's far too soon for him to consider moving on to a new serious relationship. If you're willing to be his friend, do that - and that alone.

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@JaimeLynn,

Keep in mind he is a widower in his early 30s with 2 small children.

He is likely in a different place in his life than a woman in her early 20s.

You've known each other a long time, so there is comfort in that - but it's not necessarily the right time for a relationship for him - and it may never be the right time for the two of you.

Be his friend. Try to avoid having romantic or long-term expectations of him.

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@JaimeLynn,

JaimeLynn wrote:

Hez more sarcastic when feelings are mentioned

hopefully you are not the one mentioning feelings

0 Replies

Confused and Lost. Do I wait?

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