Dealing with Best Friend's Freeloading Husband thinking my home is a hotel.

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My best friend of 25 years has recently remarried. She lives out of state and was planning on accompanying her husband while he visits his daughter attending college about 2 hours from my home. They are driving about 12 hours each way. I haven't had the opportunity to spend time with my friend since she remarried. And to be perfectly honest, I am not fond of her new husband because he is basically a moocher and dishonest with her on so many levels but I am always cordial to him because she's my friend and I love her like a sister. I invited her to spend the night at my home while her husband visits his daughter. They are only going to be in the area for a couple of days. I suggested her husband drop her off at my home so we can have some girl time catching up, etc. She was very excited to do this. Two days before the trip she sends me a text asking me about hotel options in the area? I was confused because all along the plan was for her to spend the night at my home. I also know her husband is a tightwad and never wants to spend money on hotels. She then tells me that her husband is going to join her. I suggest that she and her husband spend the night at my home before/after he visits with his daughter. Her reply is she doesn't want to impose because he is going to bring his 21 year old daughter with him. She would like to spend the night but her husband is bringing his daughter to spend time with her. I am 100 percent sure her husband put her up to this because he is a cheapA$$. The husband's daughter lives in a studio apartment which would not be comfortable for all of them so I'm sure the whole point is to get me to offer an invitation for my friend, her husband and his daughter(that I only met once for 5 min) to all spend the night at my home. I love my friend dearly and do not want to hurt her feelings but I feel uncomfortable and a little used by her husband by having someone else I do not know in my home. I think it's weird and off-putting that the husband wants to spend time with his daughter at my home where its more comfortable. It completely changes the dynamic of the visit and forces me to host other people when all I wanted to do was have some alone time with my friend. I told my friend if she wasn't able to visit me on this trip due to the limited time and her husband's desire to spend the time with his daughter I would understand and we can get together another time. She told me if she wasn't going to be able to see me she did not want to go on the trip at all. Btw, they rented a car specifically for this trip so I'm guessing they were assuming I would be okay with idea. I have a large home with a guest room and I guess I could have one of my children give up their bedroom so her step daughter can sleep in it or the stepdaughter can sleep on the sofa. However, I was not intending on hosting her husband/daughter in the first place. I wanted to take my friend out to eat and go out to movies or mani/pedis etc. I hate feeling like I'm being unreasonable/selfish in not extending the invitation to everyone. How do I let her know I do not feel comfortable with this arrangement without hurting her feelings or compromising our friendship? I'm afraid if I agree to having them all spend the night at my home it will become a regular request since he visits his daughter about 3-4 times a year. He had suggested "visiting me" on those occasions as well but I was out of town or had other houseguests. Interestingly enough, when I was in town but did not have the space due to me having other houseguests they were not able to even stop by. Am I being petty? I feel being completely honest with my friend about her husband's request being inappropriate will compromise our friendship or at the very least hurt her feelings. Any suggestions?

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 1,854 • Replies: 29

What is the problem with giving your friend the list of hotels she requested and allowing them to stay there? No, you won't have the 24 hour visit with your friend that you want but you also won't be asking her to choose between you and her new family and you won't feel the need to give your unsolicited opinion of her husband.

You can go pick up your friend and do your thing while the husband spends time with his daughter.

As to future requests for stays in your home, the word no works well and the same list of hotels can be given.

2 Replies

@Butrflynet,

If you want girl time, do it within the time of their combined visit or find a way to have your friend return on her own for a visit with you, or you travel to where they are, get a hotel room and spend time with your friend in her new town.

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@Butrflynet,

I forgot to mention I did give her a couple of suggestions for hotels which they have not pursued. I also extended the invitation to her and her husband if he wanted to accompany her here to spend the night at my home. I used to live closer to her and always offered to have them spend the night at my home when visiting. She just kept insisting she did not want to impose by bringing his daughter along. I also have enough sense to never offer my unsolicited opinion of her husband to my friend even when she complains about all the awful things he does or doesn't do. It's a no win situation there and I just listen and offer a sympathetic ear.

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@bamboozled2015,

Okay, even she thinks the situation would be an imposition.

If it is, tell her so and let her figure out her alternatives. Why do you think there would be a problem with saying 'you're right, it will be an imposition, let's make calls to those hotels and see if any of those will work.'

1 Reply

@bamboozled2015,

How many daughters are there? one they are visiting and one they are travelling with?

1 Reply

@bamboozled2015,

You say: "Sorry, but we don't have enough beds. Here, let me help you find a reasonably-priced local hotel."

And you don't, as you said someone would have to sleep on the sofa.

Feel no guilt whatsoever. The guest list trebled without your agreement. You are allowed to put your foot down and say no. It has nothing to do with the friend's husband. You don't have the space. Boom! Done.

1 Reply

@Butrflynet,

Another alternative is the couple stays in your home without the daughter and he takes off in the rental car to visit his daughter while you and friend have girl time. Your friend can also go with hubby to visit daughter and return to your home with car while they continue to visit. She can go pick up hubby when he is ready to return.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

My friend's husband decided to visit his 21 year old daughter while my friend was visiting with me. There is only the one daughter in college that lives 1.5 hrs away. My friend thought it would be a great idea for him to have alone time with his daughter as he rarely spends time with her and she would visit with me. Her husband has a habit of including himself in our plans last minute and then behaves as if he's bored or doesn't want to participate in what we are doing and then we have to change plans because he doesn't feel like going along. An example of his annoying behavior is: My friend and I had dinner plans. It was just the two of us going out for dinner for which I was going to treat her to a girl's night out. Her husband decides at the last minute to join us. She seemed annoyed and overly concerned about him injecting himself into our plans and I didn't want to make it more awkward so I took the more the merrier attitude and invited him to join us for dinner. His reply was, "No, that's okay, you two go out and I will just hang out at your house watching tv." Wth??? Who behaves like that? He is always making things weird.

3 Replies

@bamboozled2015,

bamboozled2015 wrote:

His reply was, "No, that's okay, you two go out and I will just hang out at your house watching tv." Wth??? Who behaves like that?

who behaves like that? someone considerate

I'd take it at face value that he's staying home to watch tv so his wife could have time with her friend.

If his wife doesn't like things she can deal with it.

___

When you invite her to your home or out for a meal, the invitation is for her. If she wants to go out with both you and her husband, she can make the invitation to both of you. If he wants to take you both out, he can do the inviting.

I would suggest that when she wants to complain about her husband that you find a way to change the subject to something neutral or something you both enjoy.

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@bamboozled2015,

ok - only one daughter.

The invitation you made was to your friend, and possibly her husband. That's it. That's all. That's how the invitation stands.

Don't guess/assume what's going on behind the scenes at their house. That's their monkey to deal with.

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@bamboozled2015,

bamboozled2015 wrote:

we have to change plans because he doesn't feel like going along.

nope. nope, nope, nope you don't have to. If he's not interested in what you're doing, he can do something else.

If, as a newlywed, your friend wants to do things with her husband she can do them without you.

0 Replies

@bamboozled2015,

bamboozled2015 wrote:

She just kept insisting she did not want to impose by bringing his daughter along.

there's no problem then.

You haven't invited his daughter.

Father and daughter can do their visiting, while you and your friend do your visiting.

They can stay near you or near his daughter. It's not like an hour and a half is a lot of travel time. It's less time than it takes to get across the city I live in.

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@bamboozled2015,

bamboozled2015 wrote:

Interestingly enough, when I was in town but did not have the space due to me having other houseguests they were not able to even stop by.

truthfully, if someone had house guests I would never consider stopping by for a visit.

1 Reply

@Butrflynet,

Butrflynet, first of all, I would like to thank you for being so kind to read my post and reply. Your suggestions are all good and suggestions I thought of myself and offered. I even offered to drive and pick my friend up the following day so she can spend time both with his daughter and me. The crux of it is whenever they visit his daughter they are uncomfortable there because she does not have the space for them. I think they sleep on an air mattress or futon which is fine with her husband because he does not want to spend money on a hotel. My friend does not enjoy visiting his daughter because of this specific situation and she usually has to pay out of her own pocket for a hotel. Basically she keeps stating that her husband thinks it would be a good idea to bring his daughter here and hang out with her while my friend and I do our thing. It all starts to get convoluted because I refuse to go along with her husband's idea that I should be fine with him spending quality time with his daughter(whom I barely know) at my home. I extended the invitation to my friend and her husband but the invitation stops there. Part of me feels like it would be so much easier if I just agreed to this arrangement but knowing this man I am confident I will be opening the door to future trips to see his daughter revolving around my hospitality. He's just that kind of guy.

1 Reply

@bamboozled2015,

bamboozled2015 wrote:

My friend does not enjoy visiting his daughter because of this specific situation and she usually has to pay out of her own pocket for a hotel.

that is her problem, not yours.

Quote:

Basically she keeps stating that her husband thinks it would be a good idea to bring his daughter here and hang out with her while my friend and I do our thing.

I'd be tempted to give her husband $5 and tell him to pick up his daughter and take her
to a coffee shop for the day.

Seriously, there must be things they can do together that don't involve your home. Museums, parks, galleries ...

When my parents visited me while I was in university, we were usually so busy with activities - farmers markets/picnics/walks/plays etc etc that I was exhausted when they left. Our hanging out time was always crazy active.

________

I can understand that you would like to have time with your friend but she needs to sort out the dynamics in her new family.

She can book a hotel. Hubby and his daughter can visit there. You can pick her up for a spa afternoon and take her back to the hotel. They can have the rest of their time together as a family.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

ehbeth,
Thank you for taking the time to weigh in on my post. I do find it helpful to have an objective opinion so I do appreciate your time.
On the occasions where I truly did not have the room for them to spend the night it was because it was the holidays and I would have had other family members there. However, my friend is more like a sister to me, she knows and genuinely enjoys the company of my other siblings and would have loved to see them too as she is a very social person. The problem is once her husband knows he cannot crash here he is not interested in stopping by at all. When the same houseguests were visiting but not spending the night and I was able to offer my home as a pitstop for my friend and her husband he was perfectly fine with being around my other guests. You are correct about your suggestion in changing the subject when she complains about him which I have always do since she married him. Once he became her husband I ceased giving my opinion when asked. They are both middle-aged and this is the 3rd marriage for both of them so I figured they can work out their own problems or not.

1 Reply

@bamboozled2015,

So they can also work out their sleeping arrangements just fine, yes?

I think ehBeth had a good idea, that the couple stays with you (they were the only ones invited, after all) and he commutes to see his daughter, who stays in, voila, her own apartment.

0 Replies

@ehBeth,

You are so right about this one.
In the end, I told my friend to sort things out with her husband. I would be fine with whatever time she would have to visit with me and completely understand if it doesn't work out on this trip. I reiterated she was welcome to stay at my home including her husband for whatever portion of the trip. I did not extend the invitation for his daughter to spend the night as I could see this being a future problem. I also offered to plan a weekend for us to do something in between her place and my home or wherever she felt comfortable and I would arrange everything. She just celebrated a milestone birthday and we've been trying to plan a girls weekend somewhere fun as my gift to her.
This is the first time I have ever posted anything on a forum like this or any other. I'm actually feeling better about the circumstance and feel more comfortable addressing it in a manner that respects my personal boundaries without alienating my friend. Thanks again!

0 Replies

@jespah,

Jespah,
Thank you for the reply. I have to say I admire your tactic the best. Very matter of fact and to the point. I really need to practice that instead of going through I don't want want to hurt your feelings by saying No. I'm usually more assertive but it gets tricky when it's someone you care about or your family. My friend is a very open/social person and she probably doesn't think it's a big deal(at least for her it probably wouldn't be). However, I am a far more private person and do not always enjoy hosting people in my home unless it's someone I know and like, close family/friends. There are only a couple of people I would feel comfortable spending the night at their house. I have only spent the night a couple of times at this particular friend's place. I always make hotel arrangements as I feel it's the considerate thing to do and what I'm most comfortable doing. Having said that, I need to practice the Boom! Done! tactic you suggested. It's a huge timesaver. Thanks again.

2 Replies

Dealing with Best Friend's Freeloading Husband thinking my home is a hotel.

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