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Wed 20 May, 2015 10:15 am
Hello... we have been married for 9 years... as I got older, with kids, work, at times college AND work AND family to take care of, my libido is not the same as it used to be when we were younger and had less responsibilities. I am about to turn 37. I LOVE my husband, but we obviously love differently. My "love language" is taking care of everything, working at my job to contribute to our income, making sure our kids are happy and taken care of, etc... I love holding his hand when we walk, I love hugging him, I love hearing he say he loves me... regular things that every woman loves... His "love language" however, is physical touch - more in a sexual way than anything else. He has admitted he would be so happy if he could have sex every single day, and I don't think that's normal... am I the crazy one? I would be completely happy with sex 2, maybe 3 times per week. It has gotten to a point where he gives me major guilt trips when I don't feel like having sex at the same time he does, and that only turns me off more... the other thing is how he approaches it, he is not at all sweet/romantic about it, and that also turns me off...
Example: last night he wanted sex and I explained it was "that time of the month", he asked me to go in the shower - I had tried that previously during "that time of the month" 2 days before, and it was uncomfortable and hurt, I actually went to the bathroom to cry afterwards... I felt like crap for feeling like I had to do it "for him", even though I was hurting... because if I didn't, he would be disappointed and we would end up arguing. Anyway, back to last night: I explained I would prefer not to because it would hurt, then he proceeded to say "You could still do me a favor", and "we could still make out"... while I appreciate that he is attracted to me and I know that is his "weird" way of showing love... it makes me feel like an "object", it does not make me feel loved. And it turns me off more and more... We have had multiple talks and it always end up with me feeling guilty for not feeling the same way he does. It has affected me tremendously. I've had anxiety over it, and at times I feel like I will never be able to make him happy because I know I will never be that much into sex. I am a woman. I meaningful conversation, words of encouragement, etc.. mean so much more to me than sex. Do I think sex in important? YES! Do I love having sex with my husband? YES! But I don't need nor want it every day and because of that I feel I'll never make him happy and fulfilled. I am not sure what I am expecting here... maybe some wisdom and guidance from someone? Help?
@CMS2015,
What worked for us is to take about two weekends a year, ditch the kids, and go away for wild sex romps. A hotel, a cabin in the woods, 1-5 hours from home often in a new area that we wanted to explore. That is the trade, he gets weekends of all the sex he wants how ever he wants when ever he wants, in exchange for behaving the rest of the time.
Note: I am the guy. Looking forward to and planning the weekends made the rest of the not getting as much as I wanted bearable, but more importantly my wife showed me that she really did want to please me, and the weekends drew us closer together so I was more empathetic when she was telling me "not now, later".
@hawkeye10,
Thank you hawkeye10. We actually go on dates often, at least once/month (our kids are old enough that this is easy to do). We always go out of town for our anniversary... We do have sex! The problem, I think, is that he wants it so often, and I don't, so I end up having to say no... and when that happens, instead of understanding it, he makes me feel guilty, and it always becomes and argument...
Also, please give me your opinion on the way he approaches it, such as "you could still do me a favor"... do you think I am being silly for thinking this is not the right way to get me "inspired"?
@CMS2015,
It seems that he is part of the problem, but my point is that there are ways at least partly around mismatched sex drives if you both do the work.
The feminists say that guilt trips to include pouting is abuse. I do not agree. I also say that his pouting only bothers you if you let it. If you have gone at least half way to making sure he gets what he wants I advise to let it roll off your back.
You do know right that the pros advise not saying no, but rather" not now, how about xyz"?
@CMS2015,
Have you told your husband what would make you feel more inspired?
Have you demonstrated what you like?
@CMS2015,
CMS2015 wrote: regular things that every woman loves..
I know I will never be that much into sex. I am a woman.
I'm really not digging that you think that your experience and feelings are that of every woman.
Your feelings and experience are your own, no one else's.
_______
Definitely don't say stuff like that "every woman" to your husband. He'll know that's not true. Every woman and every man have different sexual desires and appetites.
You need to show him what works to turn
you on.
@ehBeth,
Quote:You need to show him what works to turn you on.
And he needs to care enough to learn and do some of it.
@CMS2015,
You are on two different corners and everyone is hurt by the other. You are hurt that he's not sensitive enough to realize that you don't want sex every day and your husband is hurt because he feels rejected. To him it's a tribute to you, he is showing you how much he loves you in the only way he knows - having sex with you. If you reject him, he at least wants "some help" to do the job.
You need to communicate with each other - if not verbally then write it down and exchange the letter. You don't understand your husbands needs and where he's coming from, while he doesn't understand you and feels rejected on a daily basis.
Come up with a plan: if he helps you around the house, is attentive to you outside of bed (holding hands, being considerate etc.) stimulate you and your desires, then you would be inclined to have sex more often.
Explain to your husband that it is not a rejection when you don't want to engage in sex, you just feel unwell at times.
Let him know its about Quality, not Quantity.
I like the romantic weekend scenario, or special date nights. Anticipation for you is important. So he must be patient and set the mood. But he needs to know this is about "making love" - not just "Fuc4ing"
But on another thought: Do you feel that he acts overly stimulated about sex? Is he watching porn? Does he masturbate? Why the high sex drive at this time in your marriage? Is he an impatient person? (has difficulty with waiting?) Is this new behavior?
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