My Best Friend

Okay, just a heads up, this is a semi condensed version of my story. It would be extremely difficult for me to explain 2 years in a few paragraphs.

I just finished my sophomore year in college. I am a male. When I got to this college a few weeks into freshmen year I met a girl and we quickly became best friends. We spent hours together every week. We texted all day almost everyday. If anything was bothering her in life I would be the one she came to for help even if it were just so she could cry. I would do the same thing if I had any worries. I was always there for her and she was always there for me. A few months into this friendship I developed feelings for her. I held that in for a few weeks, and eventually I told her and the feelings were not mutual. I'm not the kind of guy to have resentment in my heart or to treat her any differently because of the rejection. We were too close for things to fall apart as friends. I maintained the friendship, and stayed the same person I always was.

Then came the summer after freshmen year. We still talked all summer, and met up a few times. Everything was just as it had always been up until we got back for our sophomore year. There was about a month long period where I never really heard much from her much less saw her. I was kind of worried about her, because it was so abnormal not to be close with her. She just kinda spaced out. After about a month or so we finally met up, and we talked half the night away. Turns out she was really in a bad was mentally. She had gotten depressed, and was questioning herself internally. She was searching for God, and her place in life. I was just listening mostly. I was only trying to be there for her as a friend. I was scared of how she was talking, because she mentioned thoughts of suicide. That scared me beyond belief, but I was assured that she didn't really consider it. It was just a thought, and she was much better mentally and spiritually.

Now after that we were on a best friend basis again. When she told me about her suicidal thoughts that really bothered me. It made me realize just how much I really cared for her. I thought to myself, "I don't know what I'd do with ought you". I then realized that I still had feelings for her, and I debated on telling her of this again, but out of respect for her previous response I didn't say a word. I continued to be the best friend I could have been. I figured if I couldn't have her as a dating partner then I'd make her life as good as I could as her friend. I truly care about this girl, and nothing would make me change that. I just wanted her to be happy.

The longer we remained friends the more comfortable I was with being just her friend. I had finally gotten over the fact that she only wanted friendship, and I was 100% fine with that, because that was her desire. I could never be that guy who gets bitter because things won't work out. So here I am being the best friend I can be when one night everything changed. She told me that she read some stuff on the Internet like "you may be I love if" list type stuff. She said she kept trying to place people's names in with the thoughts she was reading, but every time she did my name popped up in her head. So I told her that I still had those feelings, and I've been trying to be respectful and do the right thing and just be a true friend. So then She told me things like: Anytime I ever needed anything you're there. You are my rock. Then she said some stuff about how I look at her, and if she caught my eye it made her wanna kiss me sometimes. She said a lot of stuff similar to that, and we ended up holding hands for a while.

This mutual feeling situation happened just before we let out for the summer, and we (she) decided to wait the summer out and then we could try it in the coming semester if the feelings were still there. This seems like the perfect situation for me, except for two days later she seemed to change her mind. She said that she had, and I eventually asked what my chances were. She said slim to none. This was the day before I left for the summer, and man did that crush me. It was like a storybook unfolding that it would finally work out, and then the pages were torn out before I could even begin to read it. I had finally gotten my chance, and it was gone so fast. I feel like she still has feelings for me. I don't know how you could say some of those things and then change your mind in 3 days, but she said she had. I am really in love with her. It was all good, but once she reciprocated the feelings it pulled all of my feelings back out. I don't know what to do. I can't stop thinking about her. I'm still going to be her friend because I decided no matter what I'll always be there for her. I feel like I'm about to be Noah from the notebook. I feel as though I should never give up. I feel like she truly loves me, but she fights those feelings off so hard. She had a friend somewhat like me, and she broke it off, and he ended up bitter, and was a jerk about it. She did say that scared her, but I assured her I wouldn't ever be that guy. The only way I could get her out of my head would be to never see her, and I can't bear that. She means far too much to me to quit.

I just need some advice. Am I a fool to keep trying? Should I distance myself? Should I remain her friend and hope she realizes she likes me again? What in the world do I do?