Flirting? I Say Yes...

Forums: Relationships, Flirting, Dating, Flirt, Emotional Cheating
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I am asking for a niece.

Her BF bowls in a Mixed League. It requires two males and two females per team. Each team sets itself up (members are not assigned). The new team member who came on as a replacement and is "partnered up" with her BF has a special "good job" gesture she uses with niece's BF. BTW, the BF is long time BF who is engaged to niece and is her SO.

This is what is done instead of a high five (done for strikes or spares made) or a fist bump (done for spares not made).

She just slowly slides her fingertips and palm across his palm and then fingertips - as he is doing same with her. They do whether it's a situation calling for high five or fist bump. She - and he - gives other team members (there are 4 to a team) high fives and fist bumps as appropriate but never this "gimme skin" move (that's what it is called).

The team initially was her BF, his sister, her BF's cousin and his newer wife. And they all just did high fives and fist bumps as appropriate. So her BF sister gets eased out and a close friend of her BF's cousins wife comes on as a substitute first and then as the regular. Her BF doesn't really know this girl (who is younger, like 19) but goes along with "gimme skin" as it is "no big thing", that she is just being "very friendly". BTW, the niece was never asked to join the team and has been told that her just even showing up to visit and root them on is not desired as it "looks like she's checking on him".

The niece, feeling hurt by this and that it "just didn't feel right" then talked to me.

I told her that I think that it's definitely flirting, that there's no such thing as "innocent flirting" when you have a SO, or even allowing someone to be extra friendly when you have an SO.... And showed her these:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1980123

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christina-pesoli/flirting-with-disaster-ho_b_3853755.html

Remember, this is a situation with a pending marriage engaged SO, not just some kids casually dating!

Your thoughts?

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@LST1969,

I went to most of my husbands softball games, my sons games, and when hubby coached young teen basketball, my son and I were almost the only spectators. The kids parents didn't even come.

I think your niece should go, and not care that others think she is checking up on him. Maybe she like watching the game. However, if the boyfriend is the one telling her it doesn't look right, she's got a bigger problem. When my husband played ball, even before we got married, I could tell when women were flirting. I just pretended I wasn't intimidated. I guess I really wasn't, because if he was so easily tempted, I would have been better off without him. I'm not saying it wouldn't have hurt, but you will be miserable if you stay with an unfaithful SO. Plus the 19 year old is flexing her muscles, at her age she can't imagine a man would pick a 22 year old over her. It's an ego boost for her, she thinks she has power. I remember a 24 year old telling me that my then boyfriend wanted to date her before she met her current boyfriend and was confused that a 29 year old man would date a 27 year old woman like me. I can remember thinking what a stupid thing to say to me. We (the 27 & 29) got married the next year, I don't know what ever happened to her.

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@LST1969,

LST1969 wrote:

that there's no such thing as "innocent flirting" when you have a SO, or even allowing someone to be extra friendly when you have an SO....

Your thoughts?

I disagree completely.

___

However - if your niece isn't comfortable with the situation she has to discuss this with her fiance - not with you or anyone else.

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@ehBeth,

I don't know. A lot depends on the age of the niece, she might feel more comfortable venting with her Aunt. She probably will be talking to BF, just wanted to make sure she wasn't making too much out of something and sought advice from someone she trusted.

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@glitterbag,

If she was repeatedly discussing this with me, then I assume that she's comfortable in "venting" about it with me. And she has clearly been hurt by the actions of this girl and her BF going along with it. And she has been going to games anyway. The first time I went with her at her request - and saw this myself. Plus the twisting / twirling hair while talking to him. Focus on just talking to him. And lingering hand on arm or shoulder.

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@glitterbag,

Also. I thought that I had specified ages. Niece is like 22, BF and his cousin are mid 20s, the cousin's newer wife - BFF of this girl and who got her slid in as a replacement - is like 20.

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@ehBeth,

Sorry, but I disagree with you. At some point I am sure niece will discuss with fiance... but until then if she wishes to discuss with a close family member or her pastor or a therapist is only natural... And IMO that kind of response is a knee-jerk reaction.

But, in reading the specific details, step by step, if this - exactly as laid out - was happening to you with your fiance or long time SO you wouldn't think it was flirting?

Remember, the question is NOT whether it would bother you, but if it is SOME form of flirting... that's all.

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@LST1969,

I wonder if a part of the problem in answering this is that many people don't understand League "bowling etiquette" and that it is strictly high fives and fist bumps that are (and were before her arrival) what is used (I can post links corroborating that if needed), the fact that this is being done by her just with the fiance, and as to the physical significance of that maneuver..

http://dangerdame.com/2014/02/13/the-3-most-erotic-places-to-touch-someone-with-your-clothes-still-on/

http://www.seductionscience.com/2011/a-friendly-handshake-that-makes-women-feel-instant-attraction/

http://www.thewholenetwork.org/twn-news/the-touch-test-can-you-feel-the-difference

Not that people (young ladies or otherwise) know the technicalities of this and the science, but pick it up through the grapevine, past experiences, etcetera.

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@LST1969,

LST1969 wrote:

Remember, the question is NOT whether it would bother you, but if it is SOME form of flirting... that's all.

if it is flirting, why does it matter?

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@LST1969,

LST1969 wrote:

And she has clearly been hurt by the actions of this girl and her BF going along with it.

then she needs to talk to her fiance - he is the only one who can do anything about it

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@LST1969,

LST1969 wrote:

At some point I am sure niece will discuss with fiance... but until then if she wishes to discuss with a close family member or her pastor or a therapist is only natural...

Someone old enough to be engaged should be mature enough to discuss things that concern them with their fiance. If not, they should reconsider if they are anywhere close to being prepared to be in a serious relationship, let alone marriage.

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It could be a form of flirting. Surely, they have a "secret" pact between them. Now the question is: is it meant to be an intimate gesture or is it just a private signal between two bowlers? You suggest it might be an intimate gesture.

(if so, Is he that dumb to do this in front of relatives and friends of his GF? Is that the reason he does not want his fiance around? He sounds young and immature and surely not mature enough to not know how to refuse 'better' offers)

Your niece needs to speak up and ask him what that means. She should tell him it makes her uncomfortable and he needs to stop. Then watch what he does.

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@LST1969,

Very nice

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Whatever the other girl does is only possible if the BF allows it. If the BF is really telling the GF he doesn't want her there, I'd call that major red flag! Mixed couple bowling leagues where partners have SO's or wives who aren't part of the league is a recipe for trouble. That's what single people do. If you want a committed relationship you have to give that sort of stuff up, if your not willing to then stay single.

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@LST1969,

I agree with you, but I know plenty of people who think there is such a thing as "innocent flirting". The question is was you niece's Bf seen "innocent flirting" before? If he was, then maybe it's just the model of behavior that is appropriate for him. If it was my relationship, I'd try to get to know that girl to see if I have something to worry about.

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Flirting? I Say Yes...

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