Happy families?

One thing that really interests me is the lengths that children/off-spring of dysfunctional families go to to avoid the truth of their situation. How long they avoid acknowledging something like: My mother didn't really like me, or I've been the scapegoat in this family ...
In my own case it took till my mid-thirties to fully acknowledge the family dynamics I grew up with. And it was extremely painful at first ... but actually quite liberating, later. The lengths we go to to perpetuate the things we WANT (need?) to believe!

Were my parents perfect? Hardly. They're 17 years older than I am. They "had to get married" because I came about in the late 1950's (aka the "what will the neighbors think" generation.)

In my 20's and early 30's I harbored a lot of anger and resentment towards my parents for the things they should have done and did not as well as for things I wish they hadn't done. I made up my mind that whatever they did raising me I'd do the opposite with my children. You know what? My kids are now in their 20's and I can guarantee that at least one of them thinks I'm a horrible parent too. No parent is a perfect parent. We can only do our best.

I'm now 45 and with maturity and life experience came the realization that unless we were brought up by abusive nutballs (which I fortunately was not,) our parents did the best they could do with whatever resources they had available to them at the time.

Yes, my parents could have done better. I could have been a better parent too looking back. But we love our children unconditionally and they know it. I have no regrets, and will go to my grave some day knowing that I did my best. That's all that matters in the big picture.

Too bad we can't have kids when we're older and wiser! Maybe we were all meant to grow up together! That's what we did.

In the adult attachment literature, I would hazard a guess you now have an "earned secure" attachment! (Though the real assessment process is lengthy and exhaustive).

This is said to be when we are able to look back on our history with our parents in a flexible, open way - neither denying the bad nor over-valuing the good - neither denying the good, nor over-valuing the bad.

Maybe a sign of being a "grown up" is seeing our parents as people, not just parents?

Yeppers.

Lol! Wish I would stop having nightmares about mine!!!!

One family's set of problems can't really compare to another's set because the definition of problem (or unhapiness) is relative to each family's experience.

I think my family had our own set of issues, not terrible, but not easy either. They were all emotional/psychological rather than physical or financial. I think my whole family suffers from some form of psych disorder to some degree or another. And, that makes it hard to navigate family communication from day to day. And, I think communication is key to hapiness. Too bad I suck at it.

Don't we all?

I've always wanted to come across a really, really well adjusted, NORMAL person .... Just to see what they're like!
They'd probably be as boring as hell ... IF they actually existed!

The key is to maintain some form of control over your psych disorder. You gotta know when to rein it in and when to let 'er rip!

If we don't have family secrets in the closet, it's because those people are in denial.

I wouldn't doubt it.

Lol! Well, to be fair, it ain't really called a disorder unless it is pretty severe!!!!

We are certainly all bent and forky in our own ways - but no reasonable clinician would be busting their chops to call out "disorder"!

'Cept new and silly ones....

There was the wonderful day one of us said to a new (and especially awful) psychiatry registrar (kinda a "teenage" psychiatrist) whom we had been forced to listen to pathologizing the family he was about to meet - based on the referral information:

"John - I truly hope this family does't turn up" (They were late)

(Shocked) "Why?!"

"It will seriously interfere with your diagnostic process."

hehehe

I grew up the oldest of 3 kids and don't remember a ripple in our household. Lo and behold my sister tells me about all the struggles that went on. Where was I?

Mine had a fair level of happy family time and a whole bunch of wretched years. I was an only child, my parents died in '68 and '79, respectively, and I surely miss them.