Suspicion driving me crazy. Help.

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I have been having suspicions about something going on
With my husband with likely one of his coworkers since mid December.
Looking back, all the signs were evident from at least 1 year if not more
And progressively worse (ie more evident).
It's either he is a really good lier or I am really
Going nuts Worrying for nothing. I need your help.
I will lists evidence or points suggesting affair and those that might not
Please tell me what you think
Things suggesting affairs:
1. We had sex only once since November 2013! in the past, its at least once a month sometimes more. During an almost 2 week off work this past Xmas was when we had the 'once' Even this feels suspicious to me as we also didn't take any long vacations since nov 2013.
So could it be that he was forced to be with me and had no chance during Xmas to 'Do it' with his mistress and such

2. He has been criticizing me more and more like
Even me turning on the lights when he is in room can almost cause an argument unless I back down and shut up. He also borders on being
Rude like telling me to get out of his face when I looked all sad once! That he didn't want my face to ruin his mood! Amongst other very angry episodes
And even when not angry at me he would find each and every instance to
Tell me what negative things he thinks of me whether my words or behaviors
Came a point where everytime I open my mouth I get him upset!
So I realize he is infact picking fights.

3. The main focus of his serious talk with me when he is not just complaining about my every which way is that I 'suffocate' him and he needs space his time his space.

3. He seems to hate or loath and therefore reject any type of intimacy.
Even me sitting next to him trying to lean on him watching tv is met with some complaining words or sounds like I'm too heavy (and I'm a skinny woman)
Or his shoulder is not comfortable. Where as we used to sit with me leaning on him all the time watching tv and movies. Or when I try to kiss and want a hug before bed on the bed, he says I'm preventing him from getting the rest he needs. We used to hug and kiss a bit or its relaxing for him it never got his nerves up like this) so much so that even if he is half asleep if I touch him a little he has a big reaction! Two years or so ago when he feels my touch he would move his arms for me to snuggle in and continue sleeping soundly and peacefully. Not anymore. Its obvious an 'area' of immense stress for him I figure.
Though he does still kiss me (extremely quick almost like a hard peck) when he wakes up in morning or when he comes home from work kiss me hi and say hi hon

5. This I only caught on after I started researching about affairs that his showers
Are taking longer and longer like really long and he brings his phone with him. (He only stopped doing this past couple weeks after I repeatedly bring up this whole suspicion to him).
He has not otherwise displayed too many other auspicious behaviors with his phone so what I think is if he is communicating with her he is doing it through
An email he set up as I found a mysterious contact with him writing a password for. 'Gmail' and a long numberic code like 1305789976 that kind. Any idea what this could be? A long distance card code??

6. Again this I never suspected until
I started researching. He started doing chin ups not extreme just a little
Every day about last year and has been wearing much
Better coordinated updated clothing to work no fail. ESP this winter.
Though he is not a too sloppy dresser normally so it could be his natural wish to stay updated...

7. Ok this evidence is one of the two that I cannot reconcile no matter what he
Says (along with no sex how can a man barely 40 or just have zero sex?)
His penis has been dry and peeling persistently at least since last summer. When I first brought it up he didn't get angry he said he has no idea why. Then next day he said must be the new running tights he bought (yes he runs) rubbing. But then all through fall winter he stopped running and peeling still around everytime I see it. Yes even we don't make love I sometimes just pretend to play and open to see it. So dry! This is super suspicious don't u think?

8. He just doesn't seem interested in doing anything fun with me and we haut go through errands on weekend,
And honestly because of his criticism and anger with me the no sex,
I do feel he just doesn't want to or feel an emotional connection to me.

9. One time after an argument when he came out of his usual long showers I looked at him and he had a very furative look back at me! I have never seen that then I caught him looking like he is in cloud 9 or full of ego or freshly I love with a fresh date that kinda look don't know how to describe.

10. After another argument when he suddenly felt bad for me or something and he came to hug me right for like a minute then later I caught him sitting down looking down like a torn sad face thinking hard. In short he really display the kind of emotional roller coaster that an affair can bring

11.
Lastly he is mostly not nice to me or increasingly y nice but a few days or countable I feel he is super super nice and tender to me (still
No sex though) like he holds my hand when out speak softly seem to display inordinate amount of concern and care and such. I was happy those days but
Now looking back must be his guilt
Coming to play?
Wow
Sorry so long. But here are all his various replies and response to when I keep brining it up and I want to see how much of it you think are lies.

he had said 'I wish I was screwing around with somebody then I won't be blamed for nothing. ' or 'do you think there are chics just waiting for me to fxxx at work and I just go 'fxxx' them
And that's it. Or 'you know how women are do u think they won't be calling me wanting to hang out demanding my time every minute?'

Or the usual 'you are really getting crazy' when I lists out all his behaviours that supposedly matches those having an affairs

And he even said 'I have been honest all this time' or I am telling the truth' there is nothing else to it. That is all the truth (ESP In regards to him having no idea why his penis is peeling so much. And 'if you don't trust me, then leave' or you have to trust me etc' some of these are mildly angry but more
Annoyed than his usual
Anger.

When he is in better mood and I bring up seems he is more patient and pull my face to face him and say 'there's no lying there's nothing going on' 'look at me there is nothing' and the other night I also had a breakdown and he caringly did pull my face to face him and kept saying listen there is no lying no cheating, you are letting your anxiety ruin you and me and us'

Do men having affairs or lying about it do this? Do they also say straight up 'I'm telling the truth?' Or 'there's no lying' note he didn't say I'm not lying he says there no lying..

Also ever since I told him him being mean picking fights wanting space
Are all signs of someone having affairs his behaviours seemed I have changed quite abit. This was about a week and a half and this weekend he was all patient didn't get upset or rude at me just Soemtimes a little frustrated when I press on the topic again but soon recovers and nice to me again. And he wasn't upset I kept calling his work landline...

So I really don't know...i can't stop thinking about the worse also since last summer or even two summers he has started looking at much younger girls
ESP those wearing short shorts. Now I know his taste in women he checks out all these years it a definitely not these young girl types and legs are not his thing
Either. He seems so distracted when ever one is near him.

What to do he is telling me intently and sincerely I have got to trust him. And that I should consider speaking to a psychologist.
Thx any advice would help
Rain

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[+3] - jespah - 03/23/2015You need marriage counseling. Go alone if he won't go with you. Talk to a professional about what you're seeing, and see if you can make sense of it. I can tell you right now that some of what...

@Circle rainbow ,

You need marriage counseling. Go alone if he won't go with you.

Talk to a professional about what you're seeing, and see if you can make sense of it. I can tell you right now that some of what you're seeing could be because you kind of want to see it. Not that you necessarily want your marriage to be over but I think you're somewhat biased in the direction of wanting your suspicions to be confirmed.

So go. Marriage counseling isn't necessarily to push people to stay together. It can be a way to plan an exit strategy. Certainly you should be talking to a professional about what it means if your suspicions are right.

Or if they're wrong.

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I don't see enough REAL evidence to suspect cheating.

You said: "he caringly did pull my face to face him and kept saying listen there is no lying no cheating, you are letting your anxiety ruin you and me and us"

Please see a counselor ASAP. If it IS your anxiety, you may lose him. If he IS cheating, then you need to learn how to deal with that.

Right now, you know nothing.

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@Circle rainbow ,

I wonder if he is gay and struggling with excepting that. Or has another fetish he can't tell you about.
I'd get out.

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Hi thanks.
May be I should have taken out part about my husband telling me "my anxiety is ruining me and us"
Yes sometimes I tend to be anxious but perhaps you're picturing a person almost a nutcase. I can still think and see straight and consider myself normal intelligent and nowhere close to hallucinating or anything.
So it is still his behaviours specifically changes in them I can't reconcile. The hard part yes is he has been defensive he has been mean but he also has been tender in his response to my questions.
Now he knows I tend to get anxious so I'm thinking could he be using this side of me to manipulate me into doubting my self. He also basically hint or say the typical cheating man-ultimately he wants me to believe I'm the crazy one.

I mean he hardly talks or have conversations with me, he is much more closed up emotionally, he gets so irritated when I just so as touch me lightly when he's sleeping - all these are marked changes.
I guess I want to know do cheating men out there have sincere talks with their wives (not too long) where they seem genuine and tell me "there's no cheating"
He even told me the other night he would jump off a bridge to prove to me what he says is the truth but he refuses simply refuses to turn on glimpse or let me see his calendar of his meeting times and he guards his work computer laptop fiercely amongst other signs.
That's why I'm so torn
Please help
Esp the men out there who have cheated-how have u responded to your wife when asked? Have you manipulated their weakness have you hold them and kissed them to tell them "they're wrong" and that you have been "faithful"
Then perhaps it's an emotional affair he is having? What else can I do?

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@Circle rainbow ,

"3. He seems to hate or loath and therefore reject any type of intimacy.
Even me sitting next to him trying to lean on him watching tv is met with some complaining words or sounds like I'm too heavy (and I'm a skinny woman)
Or his shoulder is not comfortable. Where as we used to sit with me leaning on him all the time watching tv and movies. Or when I try to kiss and want a hug before bed on the bed, he says I'm preventing him from getting the rest he needs. We used to hug and kiss a bit or its relaxing for him it never got his nerves up like this) so much so that even if he is half asleep if I touch him a little he has a big reaction! Two years or so ago when he feels my touch he would move his arms for me to snuggle in and continue sleeping soundly and peacefully. Not anymore. Its obvious an 'area' of immense stress for him I figure.
Though he does still kiss me (extremely quick almost like a hard peck) when he wakes up in morning or when he comes home from work kiss me hi and say hi hon"

This is the most difficult part for me, and the fact that you have not had sex since 2013? Is that what you said.

This is not a married relationship regardless if he hides his personal things like cell phones etc. That might just be a issue of respecting his privacy though I don't particularly believe that marriage should have "that" much privacy. It's not like he's working for the CIA or the FBI. I think there is to little transparency in marriages these days but, that's my opinion.

But this opinion might be better supported by the majority: One with out intimate contact in the least bit is not right. If he can't even be intimate and do simple things like hold your hand dose not have something like aspergers or high functioning autism (I used to work with tax preparer who was autistic and did not like to be touched) especially if he is NOT having an affair "what" is his problem? Why won't he do those things. Does he your fear so much a turn off? How can you even expect a person to start trusting you if you can't give them love? I mean being intimate with you would help a great deal..is he not aware of that psychology.
If he refuses counseling I would get the hell out of that relationship and get counseling yourself on why you would put up with someone like that and also your possible issues with trusting trust able people.

"Even me turning on the lights when he is in room can almost cause an argument unless I back down and shut up. He also borders on being
Rude like telling me to get out of his face when I looked all sad once! That he didn't want my face to ruin his mood! Amongst other very angry episodes
And even when not angry at me he would find each and every instance to
Tell me what negative things he thinks of me whether my words or behaviors"

That company sounds fun...NOT

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@Circle rainbow ,

Yes, he's having an affair. Check his mobile phone, and you'll probably find the evidence. (My wife did all the same things, well almost all)

Per your suspicions:

Not wanting sex? Yup, he's having an affair. Unless there's something wrong with him, he'll have some sort of sex drive at his age.

Picking fights? Yup, he's having an affair. He's hoping you'll say you don;t want to be married anymore, which gives him an excuse.

"Needs space" Oh, the number of times I've heard that one - both with my wife and friends who have had the same experience. Classic affair talk.

No intimacy? Of course, he's getting it somewhere else.

Phone to shower: I don;t know too many people who take their phone into the shower, so to me this points to the fact that he's communicating with someone and he does not want you to know. Does he have a password to access his phone? Yes, that's classic cheater behaviour as well.

Change of dress: Classic cheater.

Dry and peeling penis: Does not sound like an STD, but he should get it checked out by a doctor.

Sorry to say this to you, but, if I was you, I'd buy a cheap phone, install a geotagging application and a voice activated recorder application (all available free) and hide phone in his car - Under the seat is good, but make sure it can't slide out. Then you can use GPS to track his movements and, you'll hear any conversations he has in the car. Of course, you will need to keep charging the battery, so need a bit of work and stealth to pull off.

Check out his mobile phone. If he's defensive and won't allow you to use or play with his phone, then - sorry - there's something on there that he does not want you to see.

Could be, of course, he just has a bad porn habit, but apart from that - I recon there's nothing wrong with you - you're absolutely correct in your suspicions.

Good luck!

My wife and I are slowly working through the damage her affair caused us. If you love your man and you want to fix this - do so now. Otherwise, be prepared for the eventual split-up.

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Suspicion driving me crazy. Help.

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