resolved

This is a sticky one. She is clearly more than volatile. Bipolar maybe. He's just going to have to tough this one out on his own and make a decision down the road. There really isn't much more you can do here.

The only thing I can think of is to encourage your son to go to therapy on his own, with the hopes of increasing his confidence. That might clear his head a little.

Certainly, Debra_Law, you know that parents mostly are on the site of their children.

Which is not only fully understandable but completely correct.

With 21, your son is an adult. If he doesn't want - and if you don't want that - to live much longer under his parent's wings, I think, cav's idea of a "therapy" is a very good one.

Love is blind and deaf and often dumb.

Parenthood requires wisdom--and sometimes super-human restraint.

Cav has a good suggestion--although I'm guessing that The Girl Friend From Hell will be wildly jealous that he is talking about "her" with someone else.

This too shall pass. Hold your dominion.

Debra_Law- Check out "Borderline Personality Disorder" on the internet. From your description, it sounds like the gf might be suffering from that.......and how!

I know that your son is an adult, but if there is anything that you can do to assist him in extricating himself from this harridan, help him. Normally, I would advise a parent to butt out, but this kind of relationship is so destructive to the partner, that in this case, I think that it is wise to intervene.

You might want to check out this book, and see if anything in there rings a bell!

Link to Book

How do I know about this? I went through the same thing with MY son!!!!

Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.

Debra, you sound like a fantastic parent. You've done your part. Your son is getting "that one" out of his system a little slower than most, that's all. Most guys have "that one" in their past at some point... and it's probably an important lesson; helps you spot the next "that one" early on, so you can avoid the trap... Or at least go in eyes open.

That one, is sometimes fun to play with because she is always sexy... not necessarily very pretty, but always sexy, outstanding in the bedroom and initially they treat you like a king. It is of course a fake front, but depending on your intentions, who cares?

At any rate; "That one" is just part of growing up. I wouldn't waste another second of your life worrying about it... unless he says he wants to marry her.

She is a control freak and he must learn to stand up to her and break up with her if need be. I had a girlfriend like this once. After 5 weeks I couldn't stand it anymore. When she refused to leave, I picked her up and physically carried her out the door. Tell him there are plenty of fish in the sea that are much sweeter.

Bill- I have to disagree with you on this one. There a few things that bother me. Debra Law's son is only 21.





So it sounds like you have a situation of a young man with limited sophistication, and not a lot of dating experience, hooking up with a stronger, but very unstable woman. To me, this is a recipe for disaster.

I would certainly suggest that the son go into therapy, for a few reasons. One is to learn how he can gain the strength to break off with this person. The other is for him to find out what it is in him that attracts him to this sort of individual.

The black eye is worrisome and possibly takes the whole thing to a different level. But I agree with Bill's general point; it seems like every guy I know has one of those in his past.

Therapy for debra's son makes sense, I agree. But it's not necessarily pathological for him to be attracted to her. I'd suggest it more in terms of giving him the wherewithal to actually leave her.

Soz- No, but he needs to find out why he is attracted to her. It may simply be immaturity, or the fact that he has not been very active socially in the past, so he has few experiences with other women with which to compare.

Some of the worst "crazymakers" can be very exciting.......at first!

Can't follow you there Phoenix. I think it's a recipe for growth, nothing more. The world is full of "strong, but very unstable" women. :wink: And they're getting stronger (tougher, meaner) all the time. The boy needs to learn how to "spot the idiot".

If this girl brings out the only examples of the boy's irrational behavior, than his behavior is normal for one so naive.

I'd lay 5 to one that he thinks it's magical love, but it's actually a mixture of testosterone, 21 year old hormones and a sexy actress (liar) playing the sex scenes brilliantly. While he may well have confidence, identity or self worth issues, information coming from this relationship do not necessarily suggest it. If I were the boy's father, I would simply ask if she was good in bed. A yes answer would tell me my estimation was spot on... and I'd laugh at him and tell him he'll learn. Answer his questions if he asked, and be even further amused he got upset about it. I really do think it's normal.

Proactively? By 21 I would have already offered a hefty some for a book report on Atlas Shrugged. (Though I doubt the knowledge gained would prevent the inevitable hook up with at least one psycho :wink: )

I've had an equally horrible relationship...I tohught I loved also...thought I could not live without her...I suffered greatly, but such a false relationship cannot last forever...and in the end I learned a great deal, about others and myself, and am a stronger man for it...and I would not trade that experience for anything. It has helped to shape me into somethign better and I hope that it will do the same for your son when he finally gets over her.

I think it's another example (though not necessarily a good one) of the increasing fluidity of gender roles. Everyone knows about the girl who loves the bad boy in leather who doesn't treat her very well at all but is sooooo exciting. I certainly had one of those (a thug, though a thug for good -- anti-racist skinhead ;-) ) and then as Bill said grew up and figured some things out.

If there is actual physical abuse -- the black eye not being an accident -- then I worry much more. But for a 21-year-old, yeah, I think this could be just a stop along the way, and a healthy one at that. (E.G. had a relationship with someone very, very similar before he met me, and boy was he grateful for my [relative?] sanity. :-))

Bill- I really hope that you are right. My concern is to whether the young man has maturity and intestinal fortitude to go through a volatile relationship like that without major league ramifications. What the hell! I tend to be a bit of a "mama" sometimes! :wink:

Oh, I don't want to disappoint you, so here's a quote:



(Conversation between Feancisco D'Anconia and Hank Reardon) Atlas Shrugged- by Ayn Rand.

Wise words. They just don't fit quite right on your average 21 old. :wink: He'll grow into them.

That is so true, Phoenix. But at 21, he's not really a man yet. We have to make a lot of mistakes before we grow up and learn the difference between the good and the bad. He hasn't had enough experiences yet. But he will. These types of relationships self-destruct.

I got myself into a terrible marriage when I was 19. It lasted until I was 24. I remember my parents saying it was the hardest thing they'd ever done, sitting by silently and watching me make that mistake. But they knew I'd have to find my own way out of it. They were right. And in the process, I truly grew up. I wish there had been an easier way, but unfortunately for many of us, there isn't.

Many men are ashamed of being physically abused by a woman......and will not own up to it.

Debra,

Your post is very disturbing to me. Your sons g/f shows many classic signs of an abuser. It's hard for people to put females in that role but it does happen more than you know.

Abusers have a low self esteem. They can be VERY insanely jealous in a relationship. This gives way to an innate need to control their mate. Control is power. And these abusers in positions of power need to solidify that power in ways that are incomprehensible to the average person.

The black eye says alot. And his denial is normal. And your worry as a Mother should not be put on the back burner. Your love for your child has it's own natural instinct when he is in trouble. And, yes......you should be worried.

I, also, was passive and mild-mannered. My sometimes overly soft heart (which I'm sure your son has also) made me a target. Just as it makes your son one. Abusers see that as a sign of weakness. And easy prey.

The fact he grew up in a loving and calm home is wonderful....but can be his downfall in this situation. Trust me, I know For when you grow up with all that love....with all the wonderful teachings...in a home that shows no violence ... you don't always understand what is happening when a violent person enters your life. These people can shower you with a kind of love and devotion that is confusing. One minute you are covered with love.....the next minute hate. Although it's true that real love would not hurt you like that.....therefore it's not love at all.....most of the time the victim does not understand this. It becomes easy to think there must be something wrong with yourself and not the abuser. After all......it's what they are drilling into your mind.

And he is holding onto her like she is a goddess. Like his very life depends on her and her love. Even after the horrible way she treats him. You know...and I know....that, that's not normal. This suggests to me that the "mind control" aspect of abuse has already concreated itself.

What can you do as a Mother? Much of what you are already doing by being supportive is a good start. One thing you need to do and you probably already are......is everytime you see him or talk to him..say something to build up his self esteem. To let him know that he is a good person. And keep reminding him through your own love......what "love really is" Stay in as close proximity to him as you can.

I would suggest going into a domestic violence shelter and talking to someone there. Let them help you.....help him. Of course the ideal thing would be to take your son with you when you go.....but I have my doubts he would even understand right now, why he needs to go. So you need to educate yourself as much as possible on domestic violence and relate what you learn back to him in subtle ways.

Please pm me if you need any help at all. Every part of my heart, wants to help you.

Stay strong ((((Debra))))

~Brooke

PS- You thought she was good for your son. I bet she showed you her very best side. I bet she was very sweet. Very devoted. Very loving to your son. Until.....he moved in. Thats how these people are.

Bill- Au contraire. I think that the quotation fits at all ages. It is the person who hopefully changes, gets his life in order, and his priorities straight, as he matures.