HELP! Married but fallen for another man

Forums: Relationships, Marriage, Cheating, Infatuation, Newlywed
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I'll start by saying that my husband is probably the best human being on this earth. He is so kind, funny, smart, everyone loves him (seriously, you really can't say anything bad about him he is the most genuinely nice guy..) and I should be lucky as hell to have married him. We've been together since 2007 and just got married this past year. We've already built a life together, tons of mutual friends.. we're considered a "power couple" by our friends.. what could be wrong, right?

Well apparently something is wrong. My attraction for him is gone, not just physically, but in all other ways. I don't crave his attention. I thought that maybe it was because I wasn't feeling appreciate by him, but he does appreciate me, and lets me know, but I don't get any type of satisfaction or gratification from that anymore. I still have love for him... but its just different now, and I feel like its been heading this way for the past 5 years.

I'm not proud .. I've cheated on him before. But they were purely physical. I know its wrong beyond all belief ... but I guess it never got to me because he always came out on top. The best thing.. I stopped cheating, we grew stronger as a couple and then we got married (just this past july). It seemed like the best thing to do. Since we decided to get married more than two years ago, I haven't cheated. Not even emotionally.

Until two months ago I met someone. I didn't think I could ever find someone else who'd make me feel something like this. I've been with a fair amount of guys before.... but never like this. I've never felt this way about anyone, not even my currentv wonderful husband. But this guy just does something to me by just looking at me. Things moved fast. Ofcourse the passion was there, but the ways we connected I have never experienced before. My heart has never skipped as many beats as they do with him. I get physical chills. I feel the happiest I think I've ever felt with him. We literally star into eachothers eyes.. we can do this for hours. I've never done that before or wanted to. But as soon as I do, I feel safe, the happiest Iv've ever been, 100% in love. Its like I ddn't know what I was missing until I met this guy. Not once since the day we met has my husband made me feel this way... I've fallen hard. So much so at first, he still does not know I'm married, because if I told him, I'd lose him. And I don't want to lose him. I've been staying at his place (right now my husband and I are on opposite work schedules, so nights apart are typical) and things escalated quickly in the past two months. We've gotton to know eachother so deeply. Last night he told me he loved me. And I know that I love him back. It kills me that I can't just be with him.

I know, I know... its awful. Its terrible. I don't deserve either of these men.. I just don't know what to do, and it seems I have so little choice. I either call off the affair and lose who I think is one of the best things that's ever happened to me, or I tell him, and tell my husband, and lose them both. Leaving my husband is also the impossible task. We've built a life. No kids, but a serious life. At this point, I feel like I would give anything up to be with the other guy. But the thought of leaving my husband sends me into the most confusing decision of my life so far.

Any help is appreciated.

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Type: Question • Score: 13 • Views: 16,234 • Replies: 308

What a mess.

You are lying to both men.

I have no advice for you, but stop being a liar.

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@sally27 ,

You likely lost the spiritual connection with your husband after cheating on him with other people. What this likely did is gave your conscious a feeling that you ruined what was sacred, and therefore do not deserve him. You also likely lost a bit of respect for your husband because he has no idea of your infidelity. You severed that spiritual connection with your husband and the only chance of getting it back is to have a long day of confessing all you've done and watching his reaction.

This new guy is special to you because you have a clean slate. You haven't wronged him. Given that it has only been 2 months, you have to consider how you will feel about him after 7 years. That is 84 months, or 42 times more than what you've already spent with him. The fascination and novelty of a new romance is always hot and heavy, some more than others. Try spending a whole month with this new guy without engaging in any physical intimacy and see what happens. If you both feel the same way, then maybe there is something long lasting there.

Yet before that, you have to figure out what is going on with your spouse, and then obviously you are at one point going to have to tell the new guy you are married and getting a divorce because of him, if you decide to do that. No matter which way you pin it, your lie is reaching its death bed and there is no place left to go but giving birth to some truth.

How you decide to go about that is the key to what the reactions will be I think.

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@sally27 ,

The only positive I see is that your husband will soon be free of a liar and a cheat.

1 Reply

@Germlat,

Well that's pretty cruel and not helpful at all. But thank you for taking the time to make me feel worse about this situation, which is already weighing very heavy on my heart.

Look, my intensions were never hurtful, but I know that my actions will end up hurting everyone, I'm aware of that. When it comes down to it, I'm a human being. A very confused one, yes, but a human just like you, with a ton of emotions and figuring out this thing called life. I came here seeking advise as an anonymous person, I did not come here to be berated and you should not respond if its just a "shame on you" comment. I get it. Shame on me, I've already acknowledged the terrible-ness of this situation and that it is my fault. But this is not a place to bestow shame - it doesn't help anyone.

3 Replies

@sally27 ,

sally27 wrote:

Well that's pretty cruel and not helpful at all. But thank you for taking the time to make me feel worse about this situation, which is already weighing very heavy on my heart.

Look, my intensions were never hurtful, but I know that my actions will end up hurting everyone, I'm aware of that. When it comes down to it, I'm a human being. A very confused one, yes, but a human just like you, with a ton of emotions and figuring out this thing called life. I came here seeking advise as an anonymous person, I did not come here to be berated and you should not respond if its just a "shame on you" comment. I get it. Shame on me, I've already acknowledged the terrible-ness of this situation and that it is my fault. But this is not a place to bestow shame - it doesn't help anyone.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions...unless you're willing to act on ANY of them...you're still a narcissistic douche only out for to satisfy yourself .

1 Reply

@sally27 ,

How does your husband feel about your previous affairs?

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@ehBeth,

The couple prior to this a while ago he forgave - they didn't mean anything to me, and his track record wasn't perfect either - I forgave him mistakes he had made as well, but as it was, our relationship was more open at the time. When he proposed it all changed, and we became more exclusive. This is the only one he doesn't know about yet, and the only one that I've ever had a strong emotional attachment to.

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@sally27 ,

More exclusive or exclusive?

If you agreed to become exclusive when you married, you need to talk to your husband about this.

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@sally27 ,

sally27 wrote:

Well that's pretty cruel and not helpful at all. But thank you for taking the time to make me feel worse about this situation, which is already weighing very heavy on my heart.

Apparently it's not giving your vagina any problems

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@Germlat,

Well you just have me all figured out then, yeah?

I'm not here to argue with you, I don't know you and you clearly do not know me. Your unwarranted opinion of my character based off a few sentences does not change anything. Stop wasting time on here if you're not going to be helpful or actually offer intelligent insight.

And the road to hell is paved with un bought stuffed dogs.

1 Reply

@sally27 ,

How do you know you aren't going to cheat again? What is it that made it possible for you to ever get intimate with someone else in the first place?

Maybe at current state, you don't believe in monogamy. Or, you do, but aren't strong enough to be that way?

There are a lot of questions before I think anyone can give you an answer that will be beneficial to you. As for the short posts that berate you, I wouldn't hang on them.
They overlook the fact that it takes a lot of courage to come on here and post some real stuff like you just did.

1 Reply

@sally27 ,

sally27 wrote:

So much so at first, he still does not know I'm married, because if I told him, I'd lose him.

Here's the thing - you are going to have to tell him if you hope to continue in a relationship with him. He'll eventually find out you're married - and it had best be from you - and sooner rather than later.

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Why are you offended that I called you a liar? If you aren't, then what are you?

There are two guys her that are being hoodwinked by you - because you are not being truthful to either one. Is that being a liar?

Unless you become responsible for your actions and fess up to one or both about what you have been doing, you continue to lie. That's causing you to stress out and be confused.

Heaven help you if one or both find out what you have been doing.

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@PUNKEY,

she knows she lied.

Look up at the subject thread, it says "HELP!"

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@PUNKEY,

what are you on about? the OP hasn't even responded to you

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@victorcarjan,

I guess no one knows anything about their future for sure... but this guy I met feels so different than anything else, and it all came at a time I wasn't looking for anything else or even thinking about my current relationship (which is probably part of the problem, I wasn't thinking..) but it happened. I've never been this taken with someone, in all senses, but mostly emotional. As it is we actually haven't had sex. When it comes to long term relationships/ marriage, I actually do believe in monogamy, and clearly yes I'm struggling with practicing what I preach in this case. Of course I cannot know anything for sure, but all my gut instincts tell me that this other guy is too important to give up on and that he would be the one to commit myself to. I just can't help but think this is different. Its just making me question my actual feelings for my husband, because at no point with my husband did I ever feel this way. Not even remotely close. Its disorienting and upsetting and so confusing beyond anything I've experienced. I know I have to do something, that's not the question here. Both will involve the truth. I just don't know which way to go.

1 Reply

@sally27 ,

Perhaps because your now husband forgave the cheating, listening to you that it was just physical but you have emotional attachment to him, he asked you to marry him, become exclusive, forget the past as marriage is different than girlfriend and boyfriend.

I'm not sure what he did wrong you didn't say.

Maybe you felt that you didn't want to lose him so not cheating on him being married instead, wow, what an emotion, togetherness, yeah it's time.

But, it's not in your nature from the sounds of it even if this guy turns out fantastic, you'll find you will find him non attractive at some point as well, not physically attractive and won't want sex and will be looking elsewhere "again" for that connection.

Some people and I say people just love lust and what comes with that, the new budding love, or they miss something and get it from others but they don't know how to just be with one person though they try.

I'd say your husband asked you to marry him for a reason. He loves you. 7 years is a long time. He forgave you.

Power couple suggest money, success. It's not an impossible task to leave anything if you're not happy. But, how do you know this "lust" that you call love over a real short period of time, won't fizzle? Then you are left with nothing.

Your Husband forgave your past actions. I don't think he may forgive you this time but you OWE it to him to tell him, just like you did before. This guy put a ring on it, wanting exclusivity and togetherness. You owe it to him.

Meanwhile this other guy thinks you're single once you tell him, he will be gone or I would be if I was a male. Deception is not something to trust.

You know the story you can't have your cake and eat it to.

Maybe you really aren't ready to settle down. I think you "think" you are in love with this guy but you are in love with the fact that he offers more brings more to the table than any other man you were with did and you have been with your husband for 7 years and maybe married him through excitement of the idea, time spent together, his forgiveness, your success together he's a "nice guy"... Not worth losing. But you may very well do so.

Time to just take what happens of what you created but also more so, look into why you can't settle down because you honestly can't and nothing is going to change that when the next guy comes along.

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@sally27 ,

Why are you so sure lover will dump you if he finds out you are married?
So far husband forgave you several times. You seem attracted men so if that guy loves you as you describing - tell.

1 Reply

@sally27 ,

That is really key that you haven't had sex with him, although how do you manage to do that when you stay over at his place?

"We've gotton to know eachother so deeply. Last night he told me he loved me. And I know that I love him back. It kills me that I can't just be with him. "

Anyway, this quote you wrote is important. Marriage is one of the biggest moments in a person's life. Are you sure he can truly love you without knowing such a profound thing that has consumed 7+ years of your life? You have to find out. The longer you let this guy go without knowing that you are married, the worse the moment will be when he finds out. He will inevitably tracing back his memories with you when he thought he knew you. The more memories, the more "duped" he will feel. Nobody likes to get bluffed, especially when the chips in the middle is their heart.

Tell him everything you wrote here, about how nobody made you feel that way, you never knew what you were missing, so forth and so on. Then, find out how he feels and find out how you feel now that you're not hiding behind a mask, or having to conceal a ring, or having to not talk about a person that has shaped your very character you are today, 7+ years with someone will naturally do that.

Then once you know how you feel, how that guy feels, you can proceed on figuring out the next step.

2 Replies

HELP! Married but fallen for another man

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