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Wed 19 Nov, 2014 11:19 am
My wife and I have been together for nearly 20 years. This past September was our 15th wedding anniversary. Back in 2007 I was injured at our shop / studio. This injury caused me to under go 2 back surgeries through 2008. I was given/prescribed massive doses of hardcore pain killers like Oxycontin and fentenyl. During this time my interest in everything just disappeared, I had no interest in my wife, my children or my life really. I just stayed wasted on the pain killers and watched tv since i really couldn't move. Eventually the surgeries where complete and the drugs had ran there course. I was back to being me. My wife was very happy. Back then she had occasionally supplemented our income by tattooing at her friends shop. In early 2008 she had her friend finish our "marriage" tattoo on her arm that she had started in Hawaii in 2007. He tattooed the words "til death us do part" and our anniversary date. Sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas 2008 (while I was recovering from my last surgery) she was at his shop to get a quote for another piece, she was looking extremely beautiful and they ended up have sex. The details are so humiliating, it made me ill hearing it. She just told me on November 1st 2014. She could not take the guilt and shame anymore. I was devastated, I am devastated. It's not just the affair (i have managed to forgive her) I realize what that time in our lives was like, I was not a "present" or caring husband. Still I was devastated. I made the mistake of asking questions. A lot of questions. I had to know everything. My wife knows I never liked her friend. I confronted him, which was actually hilarious cause he is a ranker that could not handle talking to a 43 y/o punk rocker. I did not threaten him or lay hands on him... I am not a violent person, but I have no problem with violence if the situation calls for it. I have regretted my decision t not put hands on him since that day. See my issue is not only the permanent reminder of his presence tattooed under her skin, it is also (i found out after the fact) that he was obsessed with trying to force her... he more or less prison raped her (she did not allow him to enter the "back") Since this incident I know she has not returned to his shop ( I remember back in 09 she stated he had screwed her over on a commission so she was done with him). We have separated twice since 2008, Last year while we where separated I moved our son and me into a house that is less the 1/2 mile from his shop which is on the main street which is really the only way in and out of this side of town, he also like to stand out front of his shop. I saw him 2 days ago and nearly wrecked my car trying to get to him. I am having serious problem with who she picked and the tattoo of "til death us do part". She has had the tattoo cover up already, it still seems like I can read it... I really need to find a way to move on. I really seem to not be able to forgive him for treating her so badly... I am at a loss.
This happened in 2008 and your wife JUST told you about it?
Bet something else is going on in your marriage and she used that little bit of information to rattle you.
Forget that guy. HE is not the issue.
Find out what's going on in your marriage TODAY.
@antidave,
This is about you and your wife.
It might be easier to deal with if you could make it about someone outside the relationship.
It's hard to know from out here if your wife told you because she trusted you to be able to emotionally handle it or if there was another reason.
It seems as if both you and your wife could benefit from some counselling support - separately as well as together.
It's only a few weeks since she told you so it's understandable that you are still upset but you've got to remember that you've got a marriage to sort out. The other guy is really irrelevant to it - he's not part of your marriage.
@antidave,
Do you know it's 2014. Sorry but...what's happened since then?
@ehBeth,
Just a question to you Beth. Does counseling really help?
In how many cases? I just read someone who said it doesn't.
@Eliusa,
It depends what you mean by help.
There's no knowing in advance what the outcome will be. There are a lot of factors including each person's willingness to honestly/genuinely participate - the skill of the counsellor - the match of the counsellor to the patient.
I don't suggest counselling because I think it will bring a couple back together. I suggest it because I find that in a lot of cases it helps each person find the right outcome for them.
@ehBeth,
What if people know that there is no right outcome and whatever is going to happen is going to be wrong for others?
Just to go spend $100 per hour to listen to a bull like 'bad things happening to good people?'
I had been councelled twice (not for relationships) and both times I thought 'I want your job sitting there bullshitting me about 'times when I was 13' and 'I know it is not fair but it will be better''...
@Eliusa,
Eliusa wrote:
What if people know that there is no right outcome and whatever is going to happen is going to be wrong for others?
Just to go spend $100 per hour to listen to a bull like 'bad things happening to good people?'
I had been councelled twice (not for relationships) and both times I thought 'I want your job sitting there bullshitting me about 'times when I was 13' and 'I know it is not fair but it will be better''...
Better at who's expense...or does it matter? It's not like divorce is not an option.
@Germlat,
I meant counselor told me all that incl 'I know it is not fair but it will be better'
so I could tell me that for free.
@Eliusa,
Eliusa wrote:
I meant counselor told me all that incl 'I know it is not fair but it will be better'
so I could tell me that for free.
What did you want to hear? Some magical words...common sense is not magical but it is wise.
@Germlat,
I want to hear something worth $100 per hour
@Eliusa,
Isn't life like that? It will always get better. And didn't it?
Something bad happens, you are 13, you seek a counsellor and she tells you, nothing she can do about the past, you are now in the present, move on to the future, it will get better,
perhaps she should have added or live in the past and it will never get better.....
@Eliusa,
Eliusa wrote:
I want to hear something worth $100 per hour
Good advice only works if you put it into action...then it's priceless.
@FOUND SOUL,
THAT your neighbor can tell you:)
@Germlat,
Like if they tell you 'you will get a fortune IF you make right decision'?
Fortune cookie! 25c a piece.
@Eliusa,
Eliusa wrote:
Like if they tell you 'you will get a fortune IF you make right decision'?
Fortune cookie! 25c a piece.
Well if you believe fortune cookies are specific to your needs then you have no common sense....a therapist on the other hand will tell you what you refuse to hear. Denial is always a choice for those who prefer it.
@Germlat,
Who said I believe in fortune cookies??? Sometimes you surprise me!
I meant those $100+ per hour therapists giving advices like fortune cookie for .25
@Eliusa,
I disagree...I don't think a therapist's advice is the same as a fortune cookie...then you have to be willing to listen rather than hoping they'll agree with you.
@PUNKEY,
I believe there where two factors in why she told me 1. ( her words) the guilt was constantly eating ate her (looking back, she had caused a lot of static in our marriage since 2008, she has constantly accused me of infidelity since 2009). 2. The is/was a lot more trust and communication in our marriage since I no longer have 20 different things on my plate to deal with and we closed our business down.
@ehBeth,
We have been trying to get into counseling since nov. 3rd. We do not have a lot of money, we finally received and appointments for dec 4th for separate councilors and a couples session. I think it may be to late though, a lot of truths came out this week that she had been holding back. I am willing to try but I feel like she has gone out of her way to destroy or taint everything I found sacred.
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