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Hi! I need a revising about my paragraph.

 
 
Reply Tue 28 Oct, 2014 08:37 am
Editing grammar mistakes or outline. But, outline is so impartant for me than grammar mistakes. Thank you.

The İmpact of Food Advertising on Childhood Obesity


More and more children are suffering serious public health problems. Such as diabetes. Because there is no relation between their weight and height measurements. There are many reasons for increase obese children. Such as poor diet, lack of physical exercise and effect of watching too much television. In my opinion, major reasons of obesity is advertising. Children are allowed to watch too much television. And they are eating snacks while watching TV. So, they watch all the TV commercials. Fast food ındustries usually use television to sell their products. Especially, they aimed at young children. They are showing junk food is fun, colorful and animated. They obviously appeal to children. Young children are naive about misleading advertising and don’t understand that advertisement are not always true. Children lack of self control to all of these media products. They approach to food emotionally. To conclude, I think the food companies are very irresponsible. Because, they are very aware of the impact their adverts have on young children. Parents should protect their children from advertisement. I strongly believe that advertising is the major reason of childhood obesity.
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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 439 • Replies: 1
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dalehileman
 
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Reply Tue 28 Oct, 2014 10:27 am
@bobeep2014,
Bo you might not get much response because of the immense difficulty understanding and rearranging the entire para. You might gain some insight hyojurself incidentally by combining related sentences

Following, eg, admittedly guesswork on my part:

More and more children suffer serious public health problems like diabetes, one of the principal reasons being an ignorance of the relation between weight and height. There are many causes for increasingly obese children such as poor diet, lack of physical exercise, and the effect of too much television; though in my own opinion, its advertising is almost entirely to blame
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