Mixed signals?

Forums: Relationships, Love
Email this Topic • Print this Page

This is my first post on these forums. About 2 years ago, I met a girl who was visiting my work-place from a different city. We met at work almost every day, and became friends. I soon found myself inexplicably happy in her company. One day, shortly before she left, I proposed that we 'go out', although I did not explicitly call it a date. She happily agreed, and I gave her a tour of my city - we walked a lot, talked a lot, and had dinner together. (It was the first time we had met outside of work.)

She left a few days after that. In the last 2 years, we found ourselves in the same city once more, and on that occassion we met, had lunch together, and generally caught up. Apart from this, we have generally kept in touch via messages, and talked on the telephone a few times. The messaging itself however, developed a strange pattern, which is the focus of this post.

In short - whenever I message her, she messages back, and then we exchange a few more messages and sometimes photos, keeping each other in touch with our lives. However, she almost never messages me herself, without me initiating the conversation. Please read the following paragraph before replying.

By itself, this is of course not unusual at all - a typical sign that she's not interested. However, there is a complicating factor here. Every time I went a few weeks without messaging her, she would send me a message on the lines of "Have you forgotten all about me? Are you still alive? Are you too busy to talk to me? Why don't you message me anymore?". And so on! And I find this utterly and completely inexplicable, because as I mentioned before, despite me messaging her often, she will almost never initiate a conversation herself, apart from the above 'panic' messages!

I am not really asking the question - 'Is she interested in me?'. This is because I'm fairly convinced that she is not. (I am, of course, interested in her.) However, what do you folks think of this strange messaging behaviour? What might it mean? I can't seem to find any way to explain it!

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 2,462 • Replies: 61

@PurplePanther,

You're pretty inexperienced, aren't you? It is painfully obvious that she is very interested in you. She just expects you, as the man, to take the initiative. She expects you to start the messaging because for her to do so would seem forward. It's really that simple.

1 Reply

@Lustig Andrei,

Thanks. This could be true, but I remain skeptical. She will only send me a 'panic' message if I don't message her for 2-3 weeks. If she was interested, would her desire to not seem 'forward' be so strong that she'd rather wait 2-3 weeks for me to message, than message me herself?

Secondly, if what you say is true, it's a bad sign. I have some strong opinions on gender issues, and do not agree that it is always the responsibility of the man to take the initiative. If she thinks it is, we're probably not very compatible.

Also, persistently messaging someone who never initiates a conversation by herself is not 'taking the initiative'. It's just awkward and unnatural. If she didn't send me those occasional 'panic messages', I would have stopped messaging her long ago.

1 Reply

@PurplePanther,

PurplePanther wrote:

I [...] do not agree that it is always the responsibility of the man to take the initiative. If she thinks it is, we're probably not very compatible.

I am possibly inclined to agree with this, this is how I feel, but you need to be very sure that you are absolutely not interested in her. A cause of her her reticence might just be shyness; it is possible that she could become more assertive later, especially in a loving relationship which might make you both very happy.

0 Replies

@PurplePanther,

I think she enjoys the attention when she gets it and, if it drops off, she eventually notices. But she definitely doesn't notice right away.

I don't think this is chase me behavior. I think this is more like I'm bored, why aren't you entertaining me? behavior.

1 Reply

I agree with Jespah.

For sure, she is asking for attention. It seems like this may be just the cyber kind that she wants.

But . . . You sound like this is all too much work for you. (No sense feeding a dead horse, huh?)

What do you want to happen, here? You can tell her, "Been busy." and then taper off with the messages. She will get the hint OR she will make more aggressive moves in order to begin a real relationship with you.

If so, then you must become more assertive and begin to develop something more with this gal. That's how it works (flirting develops into dating, develops into relationship) You sound like you don't get this. Too much work?

1 Reply

Another thought - why don't you talk with her about this?

2 Replies

@PUNKEY,

I kind of like this take on it

PUNKEY wrote:

You can tell her, "Been busy." and then taper off with the messages. She will get the hint OR she will make more aggressive moves in order to begin a real relationship with you.

0 Replies

@jespah,

Thanks a lot, @contrex, @jespah, @PUNKEY.

@contrex - I don't think the reason is shyness. We used to regularly meet in person earlier (as the original post states), and she simply isn't the shy type. In person, she's quite assertive and outspoken, and it's hard to see why she'd be shy when messaging. Also, the point is not that I'm not interested in her (I am), but it is that, despite being interested in her, it feels awkward to message someone who never starts a conversation herself.

@jespah - I think you're absolutely right. I've was thinking along the same lines myself, and I think your 'I'm bored, why aren't you entertaining me' description absolutely hits the nail on the head. Thanks a lot.

@PUNKEY - We both agree with @jespah that she's just fishing for attention, so now the question is: is there anything I can do about this? I'm not turned off by 'too much work', as you think. The point is - what 'work' can I do to pursue a girl who apparently thinks of me as free occasional entertainment? When she sends me a 'panic' message, I reply immediately, and we talk for a while. That obviously doesn't change anything. I've been planning to do what you suggest - cold shoulder her by saying 'been busy' - when she eventually texts me. But I've never gotten around to doing it. I guess I'm scared that, if I do that, she'll just find some other form of free entertainment, and stop messaging me completely. And since I'm interested in her, I'm sort of dreading that, even though I know that I'm just disposable entertainment to her.

The question is - is there anything else I can do to swing things in my favor?

0 Replies

@ossobuco,

I have. I once told her plainly - 'I didn't message you for a few weeks because you never message me.' She just said 'Yeah, you're right - I should have messaged you.' I could almost see her shrugging nonchalantly as she said it. And then nothing changed.

1 Reply

@PurplePanther,

Ah.

So - then I agree with the rest.

0 Replies

You are not ready to make a commitment to this gal, are you?

Talking yourself in, then out, of really 'manning up' and making her your GF.

Make a decision!!! Pursue or step back.

Better hurry up; winter is coming, you know.

1 Reply

@PUNKEY,

I think you're still missing the point.

The decision has been clear from the start - pursue.

The question is - how? HOW do you a pursue a girl who never replies to your messages, but sends you occasional 'panic' ones? HOW do you change this situation to a more normal one? HOW do you go about wooing a girl who thinks of you as entertainment?

2 Replies

@PurplePanther,

Quote:

HOW do you go about wooing a girl who thinks of you as entertainment?

You don't. You get smart and walk away. Unless you enjoy being someone's entertainment. But then, you have to understand that even the best shows get cancelled due to lack of interest.

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

Good advice. A couple of people have mentioned that I should cold shoulder her the next time she sends me a panic message (reply with 'been busy' and nothing else), so this seems to be the consensus.

Apart from the whole relationship issue, there's also the issue that we are friends (the kind of friends who are fine with occasionally catching up, not the kind of friends who need to talk constantly). Her 'panic' messages could also reflect a desire to catch up as friends, and not get out of touch completely. Cold shouldering her then would be turning down her friendship.

Is doing that a necessary evil, in this case?

2 Replies

@PurplePanther,

If you want the friendship, then great. Nothing says you cannot continue "catching up" now and then. But unless you enjoy being her entertainment, you might want to lower your expectations with her and look for developing a relationship with someone who is also seeking one with you.

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

Yup, makes sense. Thanks!

0 Replies

@PurplePanther,

I don't think you need to turn a cold shoulder but you don't need to leap to respond when she sends her occasional 'panic' messages.

Simply respond that you've been busy - ask how she's been - and then let her move things forward.

something like

hi. great to hear from you again. things have been busy here. how have you been doing?

_____

if you truly are simply entertainment, then I'm not entirely sure why you want a relationship with her. is there potential to live in the same community in the future?

0 Replies

@PurplePanther,

PurplePanther wrote:

HOW do you go about wooing a girl who thinks of you as entertainment?

how far apart do you live?

0 Replies

@PurplePanther,

have you met in person other than on two business trips over two years?

1 Reply

Mixed signals?

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know