My Girlfriend's 20 Year Old Son is Killing This Relationship

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I have lived with my girlfriend and her 20 year-old son for the past 3 years. The first 1.5-2 years were fine, but this past year has been tough. I love her very much, but her son's lack of respect, common sense, and rude/selfish behavior is causing me to think I should perhaps leave.

My girlfriends son works part-time, does not attend school, pays no rent or utilities, eats our food and contributes nothing, shows little regard for his mother, and yet, he still lives here. We (my girlfriend and I) have seen a therapist, and I have used the tools the therapist suggested I use to help set the stage for him to help make things easier. I've kindly asked him to pitch in around the house with chores, talk and listen to him, and offer suggestions and advice to the young man (btw, I'm 38, she's 44). This hasn't worked. After asking him to clean his room and keep it clean (it'll stay clean for 2 days) he shrugs it off and reverts to his old ways.

My frustration is rooted in his behavior and her not holding her ground or asking him to leave. Within the last year, he has: failed to do chores, stolen money from his mother, borrowed her car to "go to work" only to take it for a joy ride and rack up $90 in unpaid toll fines in one day, consistently climbed through windows after "forgetting" his house key, kept his room in such disarray we have seen bugs and a roach enter or exit his room, thrown a party while we were gone for 2 days for a funeral, and has seemingly no goals in life.

I'm a pretty straight-laced guy with a strong sense of self-discipline. I understand that not everybody shares my same outlook. But this is becoming too much for me to take. If he does not get his act together or if she fails to ask him to leave, I'm not sure I have any other choice but to leave. I love my girlfriend, but I'm losing respect for her as she does not lay down the law with him or stick to her guns.

I'm in a tough spot here- I'm not the boy's father, and don't have a lot to leverage here. I asked her last night what the plan was for him from a long-term perspective, and she said she's working on it. I've heard this for the past 6 months. I know she's busy, but I love here as well and this is not the way I thought this would go after 3 years together. I don't need the drama or disrespect from this young man, and neither does his mother. But, he is not my kid, but it is hers and understand that if she cannot straighten him out, it's her issue and not mine no matter how hard either of us try.

Does anybody have any advice? I'm at the end of my rope.

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Type: Question • Score: 9 • Views: 3,333 • Replies: 26

You've been living together for 3 years and you have so little part in owning the position of co-partner?

This isn't a kid, it's a 20 year old man. You wouldn't put up with this from a roommate. IMO it's a cop out saying "I'm not his father". That would hold some water if he was underage, but he's not.

Tell him he's got until the end of the month to find somewhere else to live, then change the locks.

2 Replies

@Brolt,

I know how difficult this can be as I experienced something similar in a former relationship with a woman who had children who ruled her life. After 23.5 years (and the boy was reaching his early and mid-teens) I felt obliged to break it off. I was in my mid-40s.

While it may not have had to end with breaking it off, it did create the peace I was seeking. I learned better coping skills. so did her children...eventually. However, I felt strongly that it never would have happened with my staying there.

The long and short of it is, while you are living there in the midst of this drama, you can no longer tolerate it. Living there is making the problem worse. You tried the counseling route but to no avail. Her permissiveness is as a parent is a side-issue now. You need some peace away from him and his mishigas.

However, because this situation has been partially due to her lack of assertion of the rules...it is up to her to make the rules and boundaries - not you. Don't get in the middle of it..or you could risk being resented by all parties concerned. If there's a falling out, don't be in the middle of a territorial or a 'who's the boss' sort of power struggle where no one wins and all the relationships end up damaged or broken.

If it's not a total impossibility, I'd continue your relationship with her but move out and find your own living situation but do not stop seeing her. First thing I'd do, if it were me, is discuss moving out with her and see how she feels about it.

That living arrangement seems no longer tenable for you. Both of you don't want bitterness or losing the relationship over stubbornness and staying on while he still lives there. Eventually this freeloader will move out.

Your g/f has to develop more backbone but that is not your call to insist. It is unlikely to change based upon the pattern of behavior and history that has occurred. You need to defuse this and moving out might solve it.

If your g/f can possibly understand that your love for her has not changed one iota...but you no longer can live under the same roof under these circumstances.

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Thanks Ragman. I truly appreciate your thoughtful reply! You may be into something here with the separate living arrangements in the interim. The next few days should be very telling.

Thanks again!

0 Replies

@chai2,

Chai2, you have a valid point here. I wouldn't say I have been less than an active partner here in establishing rules as he was 17 when the 3 of us moved in together, but you're right in that he's a grown man and he needs to leave. It's a difficult spot to be in, and if he doesn't leave (I cannot make that decision given the guy's mom is the only one can really make that stand), then it's up to me to leave and find my own happiness with or without her.

Thanks Chai2! I do agree with the vast majority of what you said and your suggestion! Thanks for your help.

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He's 20 but probably 14 in mature years.

Don't give her an ultimatum. You will not win. She's got to take care of her "baby." She says she is "working on it" but I bet she has NO idea of what to do.

Yup - get your own place.

1 Reply

I'd suggest similar as Ragman has: move out and get your own place and offer your girlfriend to visit you as often as she likes, or move in for that matter, but you're at the end of this arrangement and will not tolerate the present living situation.

I realize that your girlfriend is emotionally vested, but sometimes tough love is much better helping the personal growth of a young person than giving in and spoiling them.

Either way, if your hands are tied, you have to do what's best for yourself and hopefully it's a wake-up call for your girlfriend to spring to action.
She is not helping her son in allowing him to be a freeloader and a lazy bum.

Good luck!

1 Reply

@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

Tell him he's got until the end of the month to find somewhere else to live, then change the locks.

Why pussy around? Break his arm and kick him out now.

1 Reply

@contrex,

contrex wrote:

chai2 wrote:
Tell him he's got until the end of the month to find somewhere else to live, then change the locks.

Why pussy around? Break his arm and kick him out now.

People will only get away with what you let them.

The problem is the adult son. He's not paying rent or chipping in, why should he live there?
Breaking his arm won't solve anything, getting him out of this man and his gf home will. If the gf doesn't like it, she has the option to move out with the son.

I'd be damn if I'd pay the expense of moving myself, when it's someone else who already doesn't belong there because they aren't pulling their share, either through money, or keeping up the house.

1 Reply

@chai2,

chai2 wrote:

Breaking his arm won't solve anything

OK, maybe the arm thing was a bit excessive, but if it was me I'd be ditching the nice guy stuff, and a whole month's notice sounds too long.

0 Replies

I'm not clear - are they both paying rent, thus the place both of theirs? She has the lease? Does she own it and he lives there and participates in expenses? Does he pay all the rent?

1 Reply

@ossobuco,

HelloOssobuco. My girlfriend and I found the place together. We dated for awhile before we moved in together. She had her own place, I had mine. We spli the rent (she and I that is) 50/50, with me paying all utilities. We've had the talk today (the three of us) and I'm leaving at the end of November. It is what it is. Thanks for your interest.

3 Replies

@CalamityJane,

Thanks CalamityJane. I appreciate your input and am taking the lead from you and Ragman and leaving at the end of November. However, I think this will be it and it will be over. It sucks and it is hard, but it's got to be.

0 Replies

@PUNKEY,

Thanks Punkey. I do believe you're right. I think it's time I show myself the door.

0 Replies

@Brolt,

So her lazy ass son gets what he was after all the time.

You're gone, she caters to him, and he can just live like a bum.

At the same time, you have to put out all sorts of money to move, furnish a new place etc., plus of course not getting to sleep next to your girl any longer.

The lesson the son learned: He rules the house. He's proved it. He got rid of you, mommy loves him and will always take care of her little boy, and she gets to support the both of them.

I guess you don't love her as much as you claimed in your initial post.

Good show old chap.

1 Reply

....and all of this, the talk, the decision to move, has all come down within the 4 hours of making your initial post..... Rolling Eyes

1 Reply

@Brolt,

Your welcome.

I, and I think you, know that the son and mother situation won't be remedied any time soon. That's my opinion, anyway. This isn't just from the last few years, but an ongoing pattern probably over his whole life.

So, I agree with your thoughts on what to do now.

0 Replies

@chai2,

Chai, I think he knew deep down already what was needed to do, he just wanted reassurance from an outside party. That's perfectly all right.

If the mother is not willing to work with him to get the son out of the house,
what is he supposed to do? Sure he can give the guy a 30 day notice, but
his girlfriend won't hear any of it. If she is catering to her son in this manner, there is nothing he can do.

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@chai2,

What exactly am I supposed to do. She made the choice to support her son. That's fine, and I move on. Do me a favor and butt out Chai2. I don't really need your "advice. Others here have been helpful, you not so much.

3 Replies

@Brolt,

Brolt wrote:

What exactly am I supposed to do. She made the choice to support her son. That's fine, and I move on.

This is what you have to do. You made the right choice.

1 Reply

My Girlfriend's 20 Year Old Son is Killing This Relationship

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