Just after some help and advice needed

For years since growing up, i have been unable to handle stressful or heated situations. But will explain the past so you can understand things better then say modern day stuff.

Growing up i had chronic Asthma, had major operation on left knee and basically meant no sports, off school ill most of the time (Roughly 50% of the time i was home schooled until I was around 13-14 years old.) throughout early school i have little to no friends, and bullied throughout, and always struggled with handwriting, spelling etc but excelled at maths and most of the time I would read and write stories rather than play games and was always above the rest of the class when it game to grades etc.

This continued throughout school, the bulling went anywhere from name calling to being physically beaten, even being strangled one time during PE as the guy thought it was funny. The bullying continued till I hit college but even then and there it never stopped.

Growing up I was never good in social situations, I always talked on topics too much, or just never new how to engage in social situations, eventually I began to feel sick and ill with large crowds. I.,e. parties, nights out etc and i have never been one to drink, can't stand alcohol or anything that messes with the mind. Eventually to cope i used to pull my hair out, literally would pull it out and feel nothing.

This continued to university which i found to hard for me, I could not cope with the lectures or the way they handled teaching people, and after 2 years I had to drop out and admit i could not learn that way. And also the issues were much worse there, the large crowds, large class room groups, no small sessions. It was just all to much.

There was one good thing about university, they noticed i was struggling way to much with handwriting and spelling, and it was found I had one of the worst cases of Dyslexia they had found. Even now my handwriting age with pen or pencil is around 5-6 years and very difficult to read. Yet on a computer / pc I seem to do much better. In truth the one who did the test for me was shocked and appealed that the schools before had not picked up on the issue. When investigated he found there was numerous reports but nothing was done about it because not enough evidence. To the point the univercity paid for the evaluation and help but was too little to late at that point.

All my life I have struggled with emotions, generally I display one and's always trying to be happy or laughing even when its inappropriate. When i get upset or feel bad, I try to laugh it off, even when being scolded for mistakes etc. However I have found getting increasingly worse is another issue which leads to my seeking more for help.

I find I cannot handle situations where people are fighting, angry, shouting, realoly upset. Basically when people are displaying extreme emotions I start to feel sick, start shaking and basically All I want to do is get out of there. There have been times where I have been physically sick due to one issue when parents were arguing, or recently an issue at work were I was dragged into something that I had nothing to do with. I was physically sick and had to go home, staying off work for a day or two to recover as I was physically and mentally completely drained.

I can no longer handle large groups of people for extended periods of time. My brain and ears for some weird reason can pick out each and every conversation. Happens when i go out walking, on the bus etc. I have resorted to wearing headphones and music when heading to shops, going out, going to work. Simply because I start to feel sick when my brain tries to process all the conversations that I cannot seem to filter out.

During parties, large gatherings, going out its even worth, with a large mass of people usually within one or two hours, i start getting like a shaking effect, after another I start to feel sick and have to leave. Staying any longer I feel would literally make me throw up. And then i feel horrible and drained for hours, like there is nothing inside, all I want to do is curl up in bed and sleep. But usually my mind is treating so much I can't for a number of hours.

Its got to the point where its starting to effect my health, life and work. At work I have to try and avoid confrontations, i just want to go earn my money, do the best I can and get home as soon as possible. I no longer arrive early, only on time, and try to leave on time or just after, though often over run on that part. Due to the job I also do work from home, so only get a few nights off a week.

Basically I don't know what to do any-more, when I was younger i turned to food for comfort, and got to near 273lbs now weigh around 245lbs as I actively go to the gym, swimming etc to loose weight. I eat much better and have been trying to improve my life. But this other side just keeps getting worse. Sometimes I just feel so horrible I have to call in sick, other times i work but my mind is not all there.

I just don't know what to do, as I find it very hard to speak to people and explain things, i always end up trying to make it sound like a joke, its how I coped with the bullying and my life growing up. My doctor has done little to help, speaking to them for advise they do very little, offering no help at all. And i just don't know what to do, its like I don't know how much longer i can cope with it all.

I just need some advise and help as repeating now, as I always end up doing, so any help would be much appriciated.

Thank you.

Jamie