I'm worried about my overuse of commas in this news article? is it past tense?

Forums: English, Esl, Grammar, Punctuation, Grammar Punctuation
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A 45 year old Queens Park man is in a critical condition after crashing his Holden utility through the Welshpool railway barrier and being hit by a train yesterday.

The driver, Allan Braddeley, was driving on Welshpool road at 6pm when a combination of wet roads and blinding sunlight caused the utility to career through the barrier and stall on the tracks.

Despite engaging the emergency brakes, a diesel locomotive transporting ten oil tankers hit the vehicle, pushing it approximately 65 metres down the track.

Onlookers removed Braddeley from the wreck and he was immediately taken to Royal Perth Hospital, admitted with numerous injuries.

The driver of the diesel locomotive, Harold Peterson, was treated for shock.

“By the time I saw him coming it was too late to stop. I hope he’ll be okay,” Peterson said.

The train remained blocking the crossing for over an hour, while police redirected traffic.

“The combination of wet weather and time of day make this a dangerous stretch of road. Drivers have to take extra care in these conditions” Officer Neville Plodd said.

Mr Harold Peterson recovered from the initial shock enough to continue the train to East Perth, before being released early from work.

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@kell chanti,

A 45-year-old Queens Park man

"when a combination of wet roads and blinding sunlight caused the utility to career" : obviously, the utility should have been wearing its sunglasses!

"...when a combination of wet roads and blinding sunlight caused HIM to career through the barrier and stall on the tracks.

"Onlookers removed Braddeley" : 'removed' has connotations - you remove unwanted and objectionable things. Try "carried"

"...Braddeley from the wreck, WHEN he was immediately taken to Royal Perth Hospital AND admitted with numerous injuries."

"...I hope he’ll be okay” Peterson said.

Think about this:
"The train remained blocking the crossing for over an hour, while police redirected traffic."
Couldn't the police have done the redirecting some other time? Wasn't it more important to remove the train from the crossing? How inconsiderate of the police!

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Removed has no such connotations--its use here is perfectly acceptable. Bazza doesn't know what he's talking about. I saw no problems with your article. You could remove the commas in the third to last sentence ( . . . for over an hour while police . . . ) and in the last sentence ( . . . to East Perth before being released . . . ) But there is nothing wrong with having used commas in those places.

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@Bazza6,

kell chanti:
I have given you my opinion.

Police remove a corpse from the scene of a crime.
We remove a stain.
We remove clothing.
They will be removing any scattered wreckage from the scene of the accident.
It is a cold, impersonal word. Ambulance workers do not go to someone's home and 'remove' them to hospital.
Mr Braddeley is still alive. He deserves better treatment than just being 'removed'. Smile

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I'm worried about my overuse of commas in this news article? is it past tense?

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