Polarizing Sister in Law

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Hi all, hoping for some opinions regarding my situation. My new sister in law is always trying to upset me for some reason. She tries to make me jealous, she interrupts my conversations with other family members and dominates them, she ignores me, she competes with me. I am desperate to understand what drives stuff like this. Right off the bat she would constantly try to "one-up" me, push my buttons, belittle me for no reason.

It's never bothered me much, because I know that family is family forever. Yet she makes comments about removing people from the family etc.
I am perplexed because I think family is big enough for everyone, and having someone trying to compete or whatever this is, makes no sense to me or any other family member.

Can anyone explain why my brother's wife would feel the need to treat me this way? I've only ever been nice to her so I have no idea where it comes from. As it is now, she has torn our family apart and they've bee married less than one year.

When I date someone I try my best to ingratiate myself with their family. My SIL instead made it a point to stir up drama and spread lies about me, eventually cutting me out of her life, and saying that I was also cut out of my brothers life and their future children's life. That was her reaction to me asking her to stop spreading rumors about me to my family members. Two months later she spread another lie about me, which my family members know for a fact cannot be true. So my family knows she is a liar, they know she is a pot stirrer, yet she keeps on doing things. And then demanding I apologize for something I haven't even done. My brother has let her do all of this and he and I no longer have a relationship.

Can anyone offer any idea of what this is? Her actions are incredible anymore. Her lack of realization of how everyone views what is going on is incredible. She and my brother have somehow convinced themselves that my family members agree with what they are doing. She actually thinks that she can turn my family against me and I don't know, replace me? None of it is logical.

I find it disturbing their disconnect with reality (thinking that alienating a sibling is something people would support). I find it disturbing that my SIL is trying to "get people on their side", as if we are football teams or something. I find it disturbing that she would even try any of this with a family she barely even knew. And I find it most confusing that she would be jealous of her husband's sister, of all people.

She was raised as an only child by her father. But when I first met her she said she always wanted a sister. I'm at a loss anymore. And ideas would be much appreciated.

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@tetris7,

The answer is that she is batshit crazy.

Seriously, does it matter? She's an asshole your brother married. I'm sorry it's poisoned your relationship with your brother. But the remainder of your family seems to get that it's her and not you, yes? Then clear it up if that's not the case, but not in accusatory manner.

As in, tell your cousins (or whoever), "I didn't go to the mall on Sunday." (or whatever the wholly verifiable lie was). Not, "Margie (or whatever her name is) is a jerk for spreading lies about me." Just, address the untruth directly and refute it, nothing more.

This woman wants to create drama. Your job, after you've set the record straight, is to cut the drama off at its knees. But also, pick your battles. If it really is something as trivial as whether you went to the mall, then who the hell cares if she's lying about that? It's dumb but it's essentially harmless. If instead she's claiming that you said you'd go out to the woodshed and shoot your mother if you could find the time, well, that's a different story. Something that hostile really should be refuted.

I suspect your brother will begin to figure things out as I have every certainty that this bully who feeds on drama is pushing everyone else away. When he wakes up and his family is gone, and all he's left with is this shrew of a wife, he'll come to the realization.

I also want to add - if he is being physically abused (because this behavior seems as if it could be connected to psychological abuse), then do your best, with your family, to intervene. Yes, men can be physically abused by their wives. It does happen.

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@tetris7,

You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.

In your case SIL is part of the family and you're going to have to find a way to deal with her nonsense.

The best way to let it run off your back is to remember that she's insecure and jealous of you.

Feel pity for her and go on your way.

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Thank you both for responding. I have no problem dealing with her behavior and I realize that it is something that probably stems from some sort of insecurity or jealousy. Everyone does. What I am trying to figure out is what is she looking for. As in, when she does these things what is she wanting as a result?

At this point I no longer desire a relationship with them, the things they do don't hurt me or upset me. But I hate seeing my family members suffer as a result of her childish behavi0r. I was thinking that if I could figure out what is driving this behavior, then maybe I could do something to ease whatever it is in her that makes her behave this way.

Like if it is insecurity about being a member of our family then maybe I could make it a point to say or show her that I do consider her family, doing it in front of everyone or something like that. I hope that makes sense. Because sometimes all people need is acknowledgement and then they are okay. I hope that makes sense.

I kind of feel like what she wants is for me to see her, to see that she communicates with my family, to show me that they like her. All of what she does is for show. I don't know why this is, I have no problem with her being in the family. I just with she would calm down and act normally. I don't know what it is that threatens her so much, but maybe if I do something overt and encompassing it will satisfy whatever is bothering her.

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@tetris7,

What does she want?

Attention.

What are you giving her, even when you just think about it?

One guess.

Jespah said it perfectly. She's just batshit crazy. Don't waste any more of your time even thinking about it.

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Fixing other people is fraught with difficulty, if not impossible. People do participate in trying to do that for a life's work - psychologists, psychiatrists, family or marriage therapists.

One sunny day she may change, somewhat, on her own.

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Polarizing Sister in Law

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