I can't run away from things that broke me

Where to begin...

first, i apologize if this is terribly long.



Well, I'll start off with the fact that pretty much ever since I was born I felt left out and alone. My mother was a teen mother and didn't want me but, my grandmother is the one who took care of me as a child till I was about 8. My mother and I were never close and even now, we have had physical encounters and emotional as well. Going back to the story, around that time, my brother was born who has a different father which made me feel even more out of place. My brother who has both parents and biological sides of his family, and me, barely knowing my fathers side or my father. From the age of 14-16 , I would start cutting myself because I felt very left out. Taking family photos was never fun for me because I even looked left out physically. But in 2010, I started feeling okay because I had gotten a job and a boyfriend. (So I thought it was okay). From 2010-2012, I dated this boy and everything was great. He even gave me a promise ring but, then we started falling apart the beginning of 2013 and till I would say June 2013, we were on and off. It was a crazy relationship towards the end a lot of emotional abuse and cursing. From 2012-the end of 2013, I started to smoke weed to forget about everything and thankfully, I had my best friend of 4 years by my side the whole time. Later in 2013, my best friend and I had our first argument and everything became crashing down again. I never had that many friends to begin with, through high school, I had gained friends but she's the only one that had stuck with me. I became emotionally fucked up. I lost my best friend and my first love. I honestly don't know what to do I tried to talk to her a million times but I gave up on that. I cannot get over my past relationship nor not having anyone there to talk about anything with. I have a new boyfriend now after 2 years of getting over the first but, it's like I don't know how to act. It's like he's suffering from my past relationship and that's unfair to him but, I really like him. Sometimes I feel like I'm so bipolar. I get mad or sad thinking about my past or stupid things, sometimes even nothing. I will literally just want to kill myself. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel alone, left out, I can't forget the past and move forward. It's so hard and I can't seem to show the people I care about that I do anymore. I'm so scared of the past repeating itself and I just like to sit in my room and contemplate or smoke a cigarette. (I quit weed 7 months ago). It's like I need a stress reliever and It's not like I even have a hobby or anyone to hang out with. The only escape I really have is school but sometimes I don't even want to be there with the professors. I just feel hopeless and like no one would even care if i left this world..