50 in love

@Eliusa,

You're not in love, you're in lust.

Sleep with your flame and get it out of your system--see if the reality matches your fantasy. Then decide what you want to do after that.

1 Reply

@firefly,

Thanks. That what he is thinking as well.
Why do you think I am not in love? It had been going on for 5 years but I had never thought I have a chance. Because like I said before he can have anyone younger and I am basically same age.

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@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

Thanks. That what he is thinking as well.
Why do you think I am not in love? It had been going on for 5 years but I had never thought I have a chance. Because like I said before he can have anyone younger and I am basically same age.

Well, if you've been in love with another man for five years, then you have forsaken your marriage for that long. Might as well and go ahead. You're no longer married in your heart. Your child is grown. Are you meaning to say your husband has had no marital needs since his mid-forties? I'm more inclined to believe he has someone on the side as well. Wouldn't that be a great relief to you?

1 Reply

@Germlat,

Have you been seduced? You have no place to speak if not.

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@Eliusa,

Quote:

Why do you think I am not in love?

Your attraction to him is more physical than anything else. It's much more like a crush than real love, and it excites you that he experiences and reciprocates similar feelings.

Until you actually experience intimacy with him, and spend time alone with him, I don't think you'll know how much is fantasy and how much is real.

If you don't act on your feelings for this man, you might regret it for the rest of your life. So, go ahead, sleep with him, and see where that leads. Even if it never goes beyond a brief affair, that might be enough to satisfy you at this point in your life. If you don't take a chance, you'll never know.

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@Eliusa,

Since I'm a grown women and married (second marriage)...yep...pretty sure I've been seduced.

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@firefly,

WOW! Exactly what I was thinking for months. However I was waiting for my husband's promise to make it work and now now when I see that he still prefers TV and dinner to sex with me - I am kind of 'what ta heck!'... Smile

I am wondering if people will be 'on your case' for this advice. LOL
Thanks

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@firefly,

I so appreciate your input and let me tell you - it is not physical as much as emotional and I love him more day by day and I got my first I love you from him this morning.
So what is now? I am lost.

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@Eliusa,

What is now?

Now is now. That's all you've got.

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What was said is that let's see if you can leave your family. For both of us.
And get back to each other with can you or can you not?
I am trying to tell my husband something for a week but I am imagining outcome and stopping right there and calling friends just to not to think about it.
HOW do you tell person you are with for 20 years that...you don't love them anymore or want separation or...HOW???

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@Eliusa,

Just be honest. Don't put the blame on him. Falling out of love isn't a crime. Let him know you still care...but, you're not in love anymore. It won't ever be easy or pleasant. Best wishes.

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@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

I am looking for someone who dealt with this and found out how to get rid of these feelings. How to make it stop. Is there way we can control our emotions?
If so please, share. I do not want anyone to be hurt. I have lost 12lb in a month so far (which is a good thing) and I do not want to end up in a mental facility.
Thanks for attention

OK. Look for flaws and annoyances in him
and concentrate your attention on those irritations as much as possible.
Think about any disagreements that u have with him as much as possible.

David

1 Reply

@Germlat,

If I still care...shouldn't this BE love? I do care. This is why I want to do something without hurting him. Or destroy completely. It is scary.

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@OmSigDAVID,

It is 35lb now.

Annoyances and irritations are right there 24/7 but Ive used to those.
And if we based everything on those things plus minus sex - I wouldn't be married after first few years. Would any of us be? Those aren't the things you are divorcing person for. There must be something major.
Also I am concentrated on the other party. 100%. idk

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@Germlat,

I am thinking. I am not in love for a lot of years but we are together and I am performing my wife's duty. Weird when you actually write it down.
Also how does conversation starts? Hon, we need to talk. (point blank from there)

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@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

If I still care....shouldn't this BE love? I do care. This is why I want to do something without hurting him. Or destroy completely. It is scary.

I get it. You can love someone in different ways. It's not going to destroy him. It will be painful( even if it's just ego). At the end of the day, you're being more fair than if lying to him. I hope you can remain friends. Sometimes that takes a while.

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@Eliusa,

Eliusa wrote:

I am thinking. I am not in love for a lot of years but we are together and I am performing my wife's duty. Weird when you actually write it down.
Also how does conversation starts? Hon, we need to talk. (point blank from there)

Yep...then say I want a divorce. He'll be all ears, unless you've said that a million times. Follow by--I'm not in love with you anymore. At this point you've said all that needs to be said. Be ready for anger...it's normal. Be sure to have all your affairs in order. Including a place to live. You don't want to be there...it'll be bad for both.

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@Germlat,

It is our house we are living in. It has 2 parts where I can have a room and not e seen much. I will have to feed him, still, wash clothes and stuff.
When we talked about it jokingly he said he will be moving upstairs but not leaving the house.
So if I am initiating it I supposed to leave? Is this like a moral law?
I had heard of people living together in separation. We are basically do the same thing except sleeping in same bad.
I just have something he doesn't want in me, so I am taking my business elsewhere but other than that - does it have to be divorce?
We had even talked about possibility of him having an affair. I said I would be very surprised if someone will make you able and he was like...who knows?
We are really talking like that and it is better I think than just kaboom! lets divorce but I still care.
I am trying to work these thoughts into his head routinely. I don't need another heart attack here. Do I?

1 Reply

@Eliusa,

Why do you have to feed and wash clothes? I hope he doesn't get confused and think you don't mean it...with you sharing a bed and all. It's not your responsibility to take care of him. It's fine if you stay in the same house and try to avoid each other...But---I hope he doesn't think this is a stage your going through...after all you've been in love with another for 5 years. Don't send mix messages. Have an exit plan.

1 Reply

@Germlat,

I don't have to but this is the way it was forever and I am not sure he knows how. Cooking as well. We having a cleaning lady for that so cleaning is taken care of.
I meant we are going to live as now except sharing bed. It is just me in another part of the house and him can do whatever he wants with his life from now on.
Accept he will be comfortable, fed and clean.
And having someone in case he is sick or needs help.

I do not have a plan. But I am working on it.

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