sister probs:(

Whoa - you two need to stop the violence NOW.

Is there an adult in the home?

Sounds like hormones are out of control!!

What are you fighting about? What causes the fights that end up in violence?

Are your parents aware of your fighting (it's hard to imagine that they are not if you end up with bloody noses and she ends up with a trashed room). What do they say about this? What, if anything, are they trying to do to stop it and encourage a healthier relationship between you and your sister?

Do you constantly fight with anyone else in your house? Does your sister?

Fights between children who are siblings is not uncommon and it is not uncommon that such fights can involve physical violence, but your sister is a young woman, only one year away from legal status as an adult. There's a fair chance that she has reached the peak of her physical growth and her beating up a 13 year old is not that much different than an adult doing so.

You may be annoying the hell out of her but the level of violence you are describing is unusual and totally unjustifiable.

Clearly she is not very mature and doesn't have much self-control.

Is she experiencing any significant difficulties in her life?

There are a couple of things you can do, but given your description I'm not sure they will help. Still, they're worth a shot:

1) Talk to your mother and or father (whomever you are most comfortable discussing this with or whomever you feel gives you the best advice) and tell them what you have told us. Again, it's hard to believe that don't already know, but tell them you want to sit down with your sister and, without fighting, try to clear things up so you can both change however you need to and enjoy the kind of relationship sisters should have. Ask one or both of them to help you by being a mediator ( sort of a referee) who doesn't get too involved in the discussion, but keeps it from turning into a fight.

2) If you have a good reason for not talking to your parents about this or they don't want to get involved, talk to your sister without them.Don't try to do it in the middle of a fight, because that won't be talking and your liable to say things you don't really mean - just as she might. Don't try it right after one of your fights, too much left-over emotion (probably anger). Wait for a time when both of you are calm and not angry at one another (Hopefully there some times during a day or week when this is the case). When it's just the two of you and your sister isn't involved in anything that might be really important to her.

Tell her that you love her and that you hope she loves you too. That you want to have a warm and caring relationship with her but all the fighting makes that almost impossible. Ask her what it is that you do that makes her angry. If she answers, just listen. Try not to get defensive and interrupt her with things like "Yeah, well you do this..." or "That's a lie, I never do that..." It won't be easy, and, honestly, this is a conversation she should be taking the lead on, but you may actually be more emotionally mature than her, and anyway if you want to try and patch things up you'll need to give her the chance to tell you what is bothering her.

It may be that you didn't realize that some of the things she says you are doing actually bothers her, and if this is the case you should tell her so and (assuming it isn't something snotty like "breathing") apologize for doing them and promising you will try not to do them anymore. If what she tells you is truly ridiculous like "You anger me when you breath, or when you walk into a room, or when you talk to me." then just say to yourself you tried and walk away, but hopefully she will take the question seriously and answer honestly.

If she tells you something that you really don't think you do, don't get mad or defensive say to her "Really, I don't ever remember doing that. Can you give me an example of when I did, because if I am I want to change it."

If she tells you something that you know you do but you just can't understand how it could make her angry, again don't get mad but say to her "I'm sorry that makes you angry but can you tell me why it does, because I don't understand and I want to so that I can change if I have to."

It's quite possible that she will start off in a nasty mood, but I repeat, don't get mad. If you stay calm and come across like you really care, the chances are pretty good that she will start to take the discussion seriously.

You don't have to accept that everything she says is actually true or your fault, but you need to keep in mind that if she is trying to be honest and is taking the conversation seriously that what she feels is true, she's not making it up. The goal isn't to get her to admit she has no reason to be mad at you, and it's not for you to simply apologize for each and everything she tells you and then hope the fights will stop. The goal is to understand what is causing the fights and see if you both can agree on the way to correct whatever problems there maybe. It would help if I had an idea of what you think is causing the fights.

At some point you need to be able to tell her what she does that gets you mad, but this may have to be after a break or the next day. Don't let your turn wait too long though.

This won't be easy and it may not work perfectly the first time, but if make some progress there will a reason to keep talking.

3) Talk to someone you trust and who you think can help you with this: an Aunt, a grandparent, a teacher or a pastor or priest. The kind of conservation you need to have with your sister is not easy and it would be better to get coaching on it in person instead of online.

It's tough for a 13 year old to act like the adult in a relationship with someone who is, for all intents and purposes, an adult but that's all you got right now.

I admire you for wanting to improve your relationship with your sister and for asking for help. I hope this does help you and if you don't understand any of it or have questions, let me know.

Good luck and I'm hoping for the best.

Very well said, Finn.

I'd also add, there are siblings who never really get along throughout their lives. And if you are such siblings, then that's just what's what. Not everyone ends up pals, and that's all right. Sibling relationships are some of the toughest to navigate. That having been said, the violence has got to stop as soon as possible. The conflict is not necessary unhealthy, but the violence certainly is, at this stage of your lives.

True. I'm sure there are plenty of siblings who went through rough patches but who now have wonderful relationships. You're right, though, some never get along. This is a terrible shame, because there is nothing like the tie of blood. Some people have very close friendships (me included) but most often the people who will always be there when you need them are your family.