My wife's affair and her lack of desire towards me now

I dont need chocolate either but I like it and have no intention to deny myself it. I have never understood the appeal of monogamy but I have been an opponent of cheating. It is softening though, as I used to believe that mates had the right to know everything and now I think we should be allowed some privacy in primary relationship. My wife and I are swingers, we dont cheat, which works for us. Been with her since I was 23, the idea that I go my entire adult life being sexual with only one person sounds appalling to me, I cant imagine why I would want to do that.

You're distorting what I said. I never used the word blame. In fact, others shouldn't give him advice as how to improve his art of seduction. And yes I feel the wife should take responsibility for her actions...not everyone cheats. Certainly, I feel she had a choice..and she chose disloyalty. And now now he gets to hear people telling him he should try to entice her into sex...ridiculous.

I gave that link here:
http://able2know.org/topic/170238-2#post-5622960

Heh, someone didn't like it.

If both are aware of the contract , and agree to the terms ok. It's not ok if your contract was different. BTW..two people can always change the terms of the contract at any point, if they both agree.

Not at all...you don't have to use the word 'blame' to be looking for it. There are many give aways:
- an insistence that one person is responsible for the problems in a relationship
- reinterpreting other peoples statements in the most negative light possible in order to attach blame to them
- attempting to make the other person look bad (when you are also looking to attach blame)
- stopping after you've found the person to 'blame'
- looking for something that will create a full stop, when so much is obviously yet to be explored

Quite frankly - you used 'blame' and 'fault' numerous times to start with (so it is obviously a concept you hold to), and to suggest that you aren't now looking for blame when your writing continues to show all the hallmarks of it, is deceitful.

If it should help in any way whatsoever, if you go back and have a look at the OP's response to my post - you will find that he took it in the right way, and didn't appear to feel that any 'fault' was being ladled onto him...this is really just your problem.

That said, your posts, which started with a pattern of seeking blame and fault, are now displaying a pattern of deceit, and deceitful baiting. I find this behaviour of yours quite ugly.

For quite some time now, I've found peoples attitudes towards affairs to be flawed.

Virtually everyone I know looks down on people caught in affairs, a lesser percertage look down on people who have affairs...and a high porportion than that engage in affairs.

Those percentages mean there's a disjunction between social views and reality.

But, like us humans itself, I'm fairly sure the reasons for engaging in affairs is as varied as we are genetically, and socially.

The reason I'm cautious about that 'study' is that it will only be one aspect of why people engage in affairs...others will do for other reasons, and yet others will do so for yet more different reasons.

This seeming lack of interest by the OP as the why is interesting. Maybe he does not think it important or maybe it has been all hashed out but I wonder if this subject has been ignored. If I was the woman and my man did not care about why I went to someone else but was always on me about "why dont you **** better now, why is it not like the old days?" I think I would be hurt. I would be thinking " thanks a lot asshole for making this all about you and your dick".

I don't know that there's much to say to that - that's is a possibility...but one based on very little knowledge of who his wife is, and similar re the whole dynamics...written English has so many limitations in a forum setting such as this, so what he has said so far may have left out a great deal of detail in an endeavour to be brief, and readable.

And the lack of interest may be 'I don't know how to process that at this stage', etc.

I'm not seeking anything. I simply try to explain a different perspective. Guys seem to think sexual behavior needs to be corrected...Women on the other hand think differently. As a stated before, women tend to cheat for emotional reasons. Check out the posts by gender and see what I mean. No need for you to explain your post repeatedly ...I understood the first time...I simply disagree.

So you think my behavior is ugly? Hmmm...there goes my week. Well, I find your statement quite vain....So, there we are.

When I read about that study, I took the article to be saying that there is a type of affair that a lot of people have largely discounted as happening - not that there are not myriad other situations that precipitate affairs, but to look into the data re this particular reasoning for having them..

Personally, I figure the reasoning in most affair situations is at least somewhat complex.

There are many studies on the issue of cheating. Relationships are complex. Some people think the ability to articulate your thoughts, makes you an efficient communicator. The ability to listen and interpret makes you a good communicator. Facial expressions, body language, all these things matter. Also it's important to remember some people are introverted vs extroverted. Some people just want to win the argument, in spite of what the processed message is. I still think cheating is never ok..it's dishonest.

I rather agree Osso.

Thank you for leaving the other behaviour behind. And you're welcome to disagree - so many things are a matter of perspective and values.

is she hott?

This was the best post in response to the op's problem. Once the spark is gone how do you get it back? Or better yet is it even possible to get it back? For whatever reason the op doesn't get his wife hot anymore. This is a major problem and a relationship killer. Unfortunately there's probably not much he can do about it. This is all about her and who or what she is attracted to. As someone has said she may see the op as safe or boring or just knows that he'll always be there which doesn't get her turned on. How do you fix this? I have no idea. Maybe as others have said try seeing what a few good sex therapists have to say. Otherwise if the situation goes untreated there's a very strong possibility she will cheat again.

You sound wet behind the ears. Try being married and loving someone 20+ years???it can get tricky.

So what? Just shut your eyes and pretend she's Hilary Clinton or Sarah Palin..

I am reading your pot and balling my eyes out.
Your story is like mine. I am also loving my husband but I am not in love with him anymore.
It hurts. I won't leave. It is going to be just like that to the rest.
However I am begging you - ask her about what is that you are doing that is a turn off for her? Maybe she is like me just hates something you do while having sex and feeling that it might hurt you if she says something.
I am so sorry for you guys and hope you will find happiness back.

Leave him...in that way he can have a chanced to be loved truly....don't feel pity. His life didn't begin or end with you. That's narcissistic of you. Is it the short -term pain you're worried about...don't worry it'll end and he'll have a chance at a more suitable partner.