I'm broke and I want to date

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Hello!

I went back to school recently to get a degree in law. It's not common I. My country to get part-time jobs so I quit my job and now live on allowance from my parents. It covers basic needs and leaves none for luxuries.

Before going to law school, I worked for two years after college. This was also the time I started dating. During those times, most of the guys I dated (take note: I date successively not simultaneously. Also, lots of first dates but only three made it to date #3. Only two made it to real relationship status) would pay for the dates and I didn't mind because I knew that I was ready an capable and willing to pay for the date (but if it was a bad date, I wouldn't even offer because it's like me throwing away money).

Anyway, now that I'm broke I'm not comfortable with the guys paying for everything. They'd normally choose restaurants that I can't afford to eat in with my meager allowance and though they'd always pay, I still felt bad knowing that I can't afford the places we go to. (Note: my allowance is enough for a good restaurant but the guys who ask me out always seem to come from really well-to-do families or earn really really well that I just cannot.) I didn't mind so much if I didn't like the guy (same reasoning as above) but if I like the guy, I end up stopping the dating because I feel guilty. I don't like feeling like they're buying me or that they're entitled to me since they pay for everything. And most that stick are nice guys since I really make sure to not be a girl that they bought. That they're sticking with me not only because I'm relatively pretty but because they've gotten to know me and still like me. But even then, I still can't brin myself to believe that they're not just buying me. Could be lack of self-esteem. I don't know. But help please. Sometimes, I think maybe I'm a gold digger and I just don't know it. Or that I'm in denial. I don't know. I'm ready to date again(I stopped because I got tired of doubting their intentions and my own) but I don't want to feel like a cheap gold digger.

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Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 1,006 • Replies: 14

View best answer, chosen by BrokeGirl

@BrokeGirl,

I empathize with you. Your writing shows your introspectiveness. You need a bit more self-confidence. I feel you're being far too self-critical. You're not being a gold-digger. You don't want a relationship to get established that will blow up on you. You do want to find a partner with depth and values that agree with yours. I encourage you to stay with your viewpoint of not wanting to feel indebted or obliged. Dating and relationships should not have the 'wrapper' around it of a business negotiation .

Next time that you find yourself in a dating (or budding relationship) situation again, why not explain your feelings upfront. If your prospective partner wants to go to an expensive restaurant, perhaps you should decline going there.

Keep the eating places you go to in line with your own budget. That way you can avoid that feeling of indebtedness situation. A worthwhile partner will respect your views and wishes. You might need to be more assertive about the choice of venue. Remember, as a future lawyer being assertive is a major asset. While this is not business arrangement, it is a matter of making sure your needs are being met, too.

Good luck and let us know how it turn out.

3 Replies

@Ragman,

What rags said

1 Reply

@Ragman,

Thank you very much for your sound reply. It addressed both my strengths and my weaknesses and provided me with good insight on how to manage both. I was getting ready to put off dating until I'm employed again. I'm really glad I posted here. Thank you again.

I'll update this post for future broke girls.

2 Replies

@BrokeGirl,

Great! keep us informed and good luck!

0 Replies

@BrokeGirl,

If one person asks another person out, usually that person pays.

If you want to ask someone out, then do it within your budget - low cost breakfast, picnic, or homemade meal.

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buy poster bord and tons of crayons markers ect.and then candles and tell her that u have a special date planned --have the candle lead up to a room then in the room have all the coloring material layed out nad say we are going to draw eachother and then have her sit at a table and u sit at another one and draw eachother!!! so juvinile and cute she will love it!!!

0 Replies

@Ragman,

Hello!

As promised, here is my update.

Thank you for your advice,. It helped me with my confidence in dating and put perspective. You are right. I'm not sure if I really just did not have the same values as the guys I was dating or have been treating dating as business negotiations.

I found someone who understands my situation completely. I actually met him a week after I posted. He doesn't take me out to expensive dinners every week or makes me feel like money is no object. He understands the value of money like I do. He, however, makes everything more special by giving me (borrowing a line from Finding Forrester) unexpected gifts at unexpected times. I never know how he manages to surprise me because I never expect anything from him. I just love his company and he knows it but he likes making small gestures just because he likes seeing my face whenever I'm surprised. He says it's actually selfish of him because it makes him very happy to see my very confused then realization face. Sorry. I'm gushing and being completely off-point.

Being assertive helped too. Whenever he would suggest something and I'm not comfortable with spending the money I just ask 'can we afford that?' And he knows that I'm not comfortable at the moment and we go for nice cheap dates instead. When he surprised me with a dress that I was telling him about (then completely forgot about it the next day but he didn't so he went ahead and bought it) I kept telling him that he didn't and shouldn't have to buy me things. But of course I was beaming and very happy with my surprise.

I guess it's really not the things or food or whatever but the gesture that is important. I just didn't understand it at the time.

1 Reply

@panzade,

Hi! I have updated as promised. Thank you very much for your show of support. It's silly that I thought it meant a lot but it did.

1 Reply

@BrokeGirl,

Oh dear. You are much too focused on this money/gift/can we afford it ?mentality. Did you grow up getting the message that you were not worthy of gifts and being treated nicely? Was there financial "shame" in your family?

Find a guy with money - or at least one who is not overly frugal or cheap.
He will lavish you with gifts and show his generous side. He will be very generous and giving to his wife and family.

Money should not be the first consideration. I see that in your personality.

0 Replies

@BrokeGirl,

You're welcome and thank you for sharing. I'm pleased to see your update.

Clearly your new boyfriend values and treasures you. He also respects women, which, sad to say, seems to be an uncommon character trait these days in many cultures. Good for him!

He also shares your values. I'm sincerely happy for you. You both have the most precious gift of all - a relationship that has depth and where both individuals maintain the right priorities. May you have a long future together. Good for the both of you!

Finally, let me add this: it's a pleasure to have you in the forum, too. Hope you'll hang around and contribute where and when you can - in between your social activities and legal studies.

2 Replies

@Ragman,

What Rags said...

0 Replies

Thirded. Welcome back!

0 Replies

@Ragman,

Fourthed, re Ragman's comments.

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@BrokeGirl,

Do yourself a favor to become a RichGirl
and forget social considerations
until u graduate. Until then, focus your attention
OBSESSIVELY on becoming an intellectually powerful lawyer
of well-grounded skills founded upon your accurate and comprehensive knowledge of the law.

Take your pleasure from legal scholarship.

The legal profession is rife n replete with incompetence; pitiful n un-successful fools. Its astonishing.
Accordingly, it is ez to stand out in contrast, looking BETTER than that, but knowledge is power,
and its your job now to accumulate the basic foundation of that knowledge, tho afterward,
u will research the law as it applies to the facts of your client's individual case.

Don t waste your parents' money. U will only have this opportunity once.
Being in law school, u stand at a crossroads: u can do it right
or u can screw it up; either way u will define your professional future.

U have the rest of your life to play with being social
when u r rich n respected for your professional successes. U can MAKE your own luck.

That 's how it works, Counsellor.

David

0 Replies

I'm broke and I want to date

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