Feeling guilty

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When I was thirteen, going on fourteen I was babysitting my niece. She was probably around seven. I'm not sure what we were doing but she ended up on top of me. She started bouncing and I started to like the feeling so I didn't have her stop. I don't think she knew what she was doing, but now I feel really guilty because I didn't have her stop. I'm seventeen now and for the past month that's all I can think about. I feel so disgusted with myself. I know what I did was wrong and I never want to do it again. It makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. Me and her have always been close and still are, but now I don't even want to go around her because of my guilt. I wish I could change what I did, but I can't and I'm finding it really hard to live with this. I suffer from anxiety and ocd so this isn't really helping and I guess I deserve it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like dying.

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@Dontknow-17,

Take a chill pill, dude. You don't deserve to be constantly beaten up by yourself - you're sorry, contrite, and will never do it again - your penance is over, now forgive yourself, That's what Jesus would do). Your problem is all in your head if, in fact, you "don't think she knew what she was doing".

IMO You are not sure if she can relate to the incident - thus mass anxiety.
You must find out if she remembers anyway at all, or in some way can relate.
If the answer is no - problem over. Giving yourself an eternal guilt trip for being a normal thirteen year-old, should be something you can logically put aside. Even if you think you had, at the time, thoughts of actually nailing your niece, (and not just masturbating with the bouncing), forget about it - you're beyond such fantasies, and not at all inclined to return. (If you doubt your inclinations, seek professional help).

If the answer is maybe, she may remember or relate - think. She may have anxieties herself and you both have to confront the memory with her head on. Being ten, (seven at the time), her interpretation of what went down may be widely different than yours. DO NOT reveal to a ten year old your anxieties - be very careful how you extract any memories from her - it has to be done without any specific reminders. Ask if she remembers you being a babysitter - not if she remembers bouncing! Recall some of the innocent things you did then; see what she recalls. If the bottom line is she doesn't take away anything sexual from what she remembers - end of story - and I mean END. No problem, move on.

If the answer is yes, she remembers the encounter as being sexual, take care. Discuss what she wants to do, if anything, about the memory. If she wants to keep it a secret - no problem. You have better things to worry about, school; job; wife; house; children; retirement.
If she is deeply troubled by the memory, seek professional help.
Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. I hope this helps.

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@Dontknow-17,

Stay clear and get therapy

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@Jack of Hearts,

Your advice is great, but I'm a girl.

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@Dontknow-17,

These kind of things are more common in people of your age than you might think. One important thing to remember is that they do not define you in any way. Forgive yourself. If you believe in God, know that he will forgive you. And try to find other images and activities to occupy your mind.

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@Dontknow-17,

Dontknow-17 wrote:

Your advice is great, but I'm a girl.

The advice is still roughly the same. Stop beating yourself up. Then go and see a therapist or school counselor to get help.

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@Dontknow-17,

You know, I just thought of this because you did not mention if there was explicit sexual contact between you and your niece. If there was, you should be aware that in some states, therapists and counselors are required by law to report any such incidents to the authorities. And, believe me, many therapists and law enforcement people have a tendency to put all such accounts through a multiplier of their own convoluted thinking.

Best advice I can give to you or anyone in this situation is for you (or your parents) to seek legal counsel first. The power government has to protect is also capable of crushing those who are small.

Of course, this may not apply to you; but perhaps it may serve as good advice to someone else who may read this thread.

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@neologist,

Nothing else has ever happened and I wouldn't want it to. I feel disgusted with myself for even letting it happen. All she was doing was jumping on me, well bouncing, I guess and I didn't have her stop. I just told her to keep going. I haven't told anyone, but the guilt is literally eating me alive. I'm going to talk to my sister and go from there, I guess.

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@Dontknow-17,

You are not alone

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@Dontknow-17,

Gee, I wish you had told us from the start you were a girl.
Still remember what I said, you are deeply sorry; contrite; you promise to never do it again; and beating yourself up is enough penance for such a common adolescent mistake. Forgive yourself! (Jesus would.)
You can't afford this guilt trip you put yourself through any more, so just end it. Everybody here forgives you, and we all say for you to move on without anymore thought to it. Say nothing more to anyone, and..Fuggetaboutit!

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What are you feeling guilty about? Getting sexually aroused is nothing to be ashamed or guilty about. It is very normal, considering your age and the action involved.

While you may feel that you did kind of use her for your own pleasure, it was innocent pleasure ON HER END. This kid didn't know what was going on.

So, don't push her away from you just because you have some self-centered feelings that you have blown up to an exaggerated state. You are hurting her more now than at that time when she was just having fun by ignoring her.

(Perhaps this is your ocd taking over. Let it go, kiddo, it really was not that big of a deal.)

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