Found out I was the other woman... it's been a year.

so - which post is a lie?

"Everyone" as in "Everyone in this thread", genius.

Found the ignore function! Now you can finally go and **** yourself!

As a personal view, I think it's better that people know enough to make an informed decision.

As an observation of others, it seems the majority don't appreciate information that damages their view of the world - 'the messenger is often shot'.

I doubt there's a great deal of hassle involved in it - an email, and then if it becomes a problem, block the sender...that is, unless you give enough to identify yourself (which I would advise against)

There are also couples who accept some straying here & there (just as there are some couples who have open marriages. Some simply want the other to be discreet...ie. you really don't know what you are stepping into by telling her. Ie. You are making the assumption that everyone is like you.

Most of the people that have commented here are older. I think I can safely say that they've almost never seen what you want to do work out in a good way. Hence the 'stay away from it' advice.

If you knew her, different story.

You're in denial.

He lied.
You lied here.

You didn't like the fact that you were used. What woman does.

But based on your temper and yet, you say you have morals, then you should have manners, you're just pissed now that you have found out the truth.

Some guys - keep the good ones, marriage material and use those that he feels isn't marriage material.

Any hurt and anger should be directed at him, not her.

And you need anger management or if not, you certainly need to see someone to get rid of this anger over a situation that occurs unfortunately to girls all the time.

Your biggest revenge is to find someone yourself, that loves you un-conditionally and you him and get married and live happily ever after. The old saying once a cheater is usually the reality..

Eh-beth was right... People gave advice but you didn't want to hear it...

Why not be honest? Face reality? Instead of getting pissed ...

That is the second actually stupid thing you've written, the first being to tell ehBeth to **** herself.

ehBeth is a useful person to pay attention to, whether or not you or others agree with her at any given time.

Getting all mad and swearing at her is weak. Better to consider why you are so angry at what she is saying. You seem to be very invested in a self righteous way on involving yourself in these people's lives, this time not by mistake.

You opened up a dialogue here about this, and pretty much everyone said the same thing to you yet you keep arguing about it. Maybe that's too strong a word, but... you don't seem to like the advice given.

What I wonder is how any of this is your business. Your relationship with him ended over a year ago, if I read you correctly. She's not a friend of yours even though you know her and you're not 'friends' with him anymore, either.

I would stay out of it, but if you really want her to know, then tell her. It seems to be what you want to do.

How do you know what he told her? If he told you she was just a friend, he certainly wouldn't have told her that or told you that, either, for that matter. That doesn't compute.

Look, we all get it. You feel used, a little hurt and a little foolish for having been used by this guy. You came here hoping for confirmation that what you want to do (tell the girlfriend) in order to get back at him is the way to go. But surprise, most or all of the responses are telling you to let this go. You don't like it so you lash out using language that will not endear you to anyone on here. If you come here with a question, be prepared for answers you don't want to hear as well as those you are secretly hoping to hear.

So they have a cat together, big deal. And you have no way of knowing that he is sleeping all around town. Unless of course you have been stalking him. But wait, didn't you also say you moved to a different town? Seems you did write that in your first post. You seem awfully aware of what he is doing for someone who claims you are glad to be rid of him.

Now, my opinion (as if it will do any good) is the same as ehBeth's. This is no longer your business. You don't know with any certainty the dynamics of their relationship. You have only what others have supposedly told you. She may be well aware that they were not exclusive at one time and now they are. The point is that you do not know. Stay out of it and don't ever bring his name up in conversation again. Let him live his life and you move on and live your life.



Oh, and learn to take advice a bit better. It will serve you well when you become a more mature adult.

Next time...ask the cat.

Coastal rat said what I think, with the exception that I think Discord (now there's a choice of usename) does think she is being moral in caring about the girlfriend and about her deemed urgent need to inform said girlfriend. Which is why she is so upset, at least in part, as she believes that, and doesn't think she would do it to 'get him back', but to be morally protective of the girlfriend.

There probably are studies about wives knowing husbands were fooling around, and vice versa, being patient. You don't know that she doesn't/didn't suspect. This is not your beeswax, Discord.

Spare me from righteously framed 'morality'.

Is telling the girlfriend of your former boyfriend in some kind of codex?

I should add that I've been morally righteous acting myself: it's a common human maneuver. I was especially swell at it in my teens.

Hi Discord88,

My suggestion to you is, that you should contact the other woman. Obviously it's bugging you, and on the contrary to what people are saying here, a lot of the times the people who are being cheated on have no idea, or if they do suspect something, no evidence.

If you do decide to tell this woman, you should go all out and not just send some randomly vague message saying something like: "Sorry to tell you but your boyfriend's cheating on you. He did it with me, so I know." These kinds of vague messages are easily explained by the cheater as some lunatic's bad-mouthing. I know this, because two of my friends have actually at some point received messages like these, and both of the times their boyfriends managed to satisfy their suspicions. On one of the times, he was caught cheating later, and in the other case she's now married to him even though she has seen strong evidence later on (such as sex messages that he has sent out from a fake Fb profile to other women), but refuses to believe them now that they have kids etc.

If you have evidence (photos, text messages, Facebook messages, dates marked down) you should provide them. Tell her kindly and with apologies, that you have been contemplating about how/if to contact her, but that a while ago you had a relationship with her boyfriend. Tell her very straight-forwardly that he denied having a gf, and when you later asked about it, he lied and told she was just a friend. You should also make it clear that there was sexual involvement (if there actually was), this way he can't weasel out and say that nothing actually happened between you two.

Before doing this, I think you should also brace yourself that she might not take this very well, and might in fact blame you for it. Especially if she decides to stay with him even despite you contacting her (blaming you is just a way for her to cope). If you are willing to endure the possibility of being the "bad guy", I would say go for it. If you live in different cities, it shouldn't matter that much anyway.
You can console yourself that at least you tried to spare her from the possible drawbacks of living with a dick: finding out about the cheating after popping out a couple of kids or getting and STD for instance.

Good luck!

I think it was very kind of you to take the time to respond to Discord. She obviously is in desperate need to reinsert herself into this creepy dishonest man's life. Someone has finally given her permission, I think you now qualify as her new BFF. Discord88 now has permission to do what she was going to do anyway, so I'll go **** myself before someone orders me to do it.

I hope to God I don't hear another word about this cranky spoiled brat and her revenge fantasies.

P.S. ehbeth, you were right

Permission? Uh, I don't think she was looking for permission. But hey, if that's what she was looking for, I'm very happy I have such influence even over the interwebs!

Obviously she's going to do what she really wants to do no matter who is telling her what (especially anonymous people on the internet). I was just pitching in my two cents, because personally I would prefer to hear if my boyfriend has been so blatantly cheating on me.

Also, I didn't know there were right and wrong answers here. If there are, please enlighten me. Who is she wronging exactly by telling the truth, no matter what her motives might be?

The things you hear...

Hey Discord88....I dated a guy for 8 months, then he moved in with me for a year...so in love! He was sooo helpful! Our kids got along fabulously! One night,when he was out late with his brother (ha ha) I got the call from the other woman. Turns out, he'd been dating HER the entire time he lived with me...had been dating HER for 5 years...which also meant he'd been cheating on his wife with HER for 3 years, as he'd only been divorced 2 years. I went through 2 months of texts from him after I threw him out, him saying he would fix himself and be back in my life, that I was the only woman he loved. HA! I didn't really buy it completely. Discovered (through the kids talking on Facebook) that he moved right in with HER the same night I threw him out, and they've been together ever since.
Bottom line: this man cheated on me...stole a lot of money from me...allowed me to take care of his kids...allowed me to struggle to pay our bills...I do infact hope Karma takes care of this clown. I consider both him and HER to be completely REPULSIVE in their behaviors....him for what he has done to women and children, HER for going along with it and taking him back! She had no idea he was LIVING with me, but she suspected something was going on. Seriously???
What he did, however, was jade my 12 year old daughter' outlook on men and relationships. I have been in therapy for 3 months now, getting ready to put my daughter in, too. The Karma will hit him when he cheats again, because he will. This man has no conscious...he has no moral fiber. I believe this was how he was raised, and you can't change that. The Karma will also hit him when his children start dating and they go through something similar. Oh, it will happen. Just wish I could be there to witness it, but I won't. I am sooo blessed and happy in my life without him....I also believe this Karma will get HER--if she stupidly believes he won't do this to HER...or if she stupidly believes something like this won't happen to her teenage daughters in their lives, well....these people have a lot to learn yet, but probably never will. It is seriously sad and problematic that we (as women or men, even) get sucked in by these charmers, that we truley feel for them and believe them even when we have taken every precaution to protect ourselves against clowns like this. These types of people are sociopathic. They have no morals and no conscience. Next time, delve very deep into the family first...if you notice oddities in the family behavior, then that apple isn't going to fall from the tree

Dis - if you and this woman have so many mutual friends, most likely she's going to hear about it. Should it be from you? No.

Here's why: because if comes off as being jealous, vindictive, resentful, and you as the adult tattle-tail. That's what she will say, anyway. Then he will rush in and try to make things all nicey-nicey - and you'll be seen as the creep.

Time reveals all. Let this dude show what he is in time.

In the meantime, be patient. His day will come, dear. Just not as fast as you want it to.