In Love With a Married Man

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First, I want to appologize in advance for this long post. I am 40 divorced (with 1 child, 11), and he is 41 married (with 2 children 21, 17). We have known each other since we were 15 and live around the corner from one another. We reconnected and began having an affair which lasted 2 years. We went away on vacations. We went out to dinners in our town every week. We saw each other daily. Talked/texted/communicated constantly. We never hid our love affair and all of our neighbors knew about us and we all hung out together. A year into the affair, we both decided that we were serious and that we were deeply in love and wanted to have our life together. He was in the process of moving out.
4 weeks ago his wife found out about me. He confessed to his wife that we were together and that he loved and wanted to be with me and he was leaving her. His wife and 17 y/o moved 25 miles away. I was solely blamed for the demise of the marriage. His parents blamed him for the break up (his wife cheated many times, unknown to his parents) and was giving him grief every time they saw him. His children were giving him grief (they do not know she cheated).
On many occasions I had given him MANY opportunities to leave if he felt he wanted to go back to his wife, to save his marriage because I said I loved him that much I would rather have him happy with her then miserable with me and he adamently refused that notion and said he wanted me and US and that we would make it thru this rough time. 2 weeks ago after she is totally moved out, he was cleaning up the house and he was moved into his parent's home (neither can afford the house on 1 income and it is being put on the market for sale) he began to act very aloof to me.
The calls and texts decreased. The going out stopped. Then today he texted me and said that he would be over and that "WE NEED TO TALK". He told me that he loves me to death but right now, he cant give me the time or relationship I deserve as he needs to focus on his health (he is not sleeping and lost 15 lbs in 2 weeks), repairing his relationship with his parents and children. Told me he wasnt sure how long this period of being alone would be and said that it isnt fair to me because I deserve to get 100% of his time and attention and right at this moment he can't give me that as he needs to give his children and family his attention now and he cant be what I need him to be. Told me that he loves me and that he will do anything for me, but right now all he can give me is friendship.
I love him uncondtionally. I told him we could take a break and we could try and work things out. He says he doesn't know if he is coming or going and said that right now the ONLY thing he knows is that he feels he needs to get thru this ALONE and that he doesnt want to hurt me anymore because he can't be what I need him to be. He said that right now he needs to focus on his health, parents and children.
I respected his decision, but did ask him, if "you love me to death as you say you do, why would you let me go so easily and why would you not want to work something out". His answer was that he did, does and will always love me, and loves me enough to let me go and right now his focus needs to be his health and repairing his relationship with his parents and children.
Now, I cant sleep (its 4:34 am) and my stomach is a mess. How do I get over this? Do I give him some time ALONE and wait or do I wait for him to communicate with me or is it totally over? How long do I give him? I have been dumped before and had that wrenching instant gut feeling that the relationship totally over, but this time I dont have that feeling. What do I do and how do I deal with this pain? I feel like my heart has been ripped out. PLEASE HELP, any and all advice is greatly appreciated.

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Type: Discussion • Score: 5 • Views: 6,376 • Replies: 33

So, you had a rather open relationship, not really hiding it from anyone, and suddenly his wife finds out. Of course he should not have been shocked by that.

And now all of the fun consequences are playing themselves out. In this economy, as you are seeing, the results of such behavior are not just emotional, societal and moral consequences; it's also economic. He loses his home; he takes a giant step back and moves in with his folks. His kids are in the middle of this upheaval as the family home is sold.

I have little doubt that his parents are making things mighty uncomfortable for him right now, and are possibly/probably adding in contact restrictions as a condition of his remaining with them. And hey, it's their roof, so they get to make some rules here.

I say, live your life. If he calls, he calls. If he doesn't, then you know where you stand in all of this. Without arguing about how much anybody loves anybody else, the bottom line is, he's right. He does have to concentrate on his family right now. And either things will settle down and he will reconcile with his wife (never mind that she's a cheater, too; this is a red herring) or they will divorce. Right now, you are a distraction, so you need to back off.

And maybe reconnect with yourself, and with your child. Where has he or she been in all of this? I had to read up a few times to remember that you have a kid. Because aside from a tiny mentioning, there is nothing on your offspring. Lead your life with this person. Give him or her attention and love and all of the good stuff.

By the way, I am not suggesting hanging around and waiting. You are a single woman and you shouldn't be anybody's fall-back position. Get out there when you feel ready. Go on good dates, bad dates, and everything in between. And I think you'll find that hanging around with men who can be with you, and stay with you, without all of this wilting baggage, is a lot more fun than hanging around and mooning over a guy who can't make up his mind and is holding onto you as a bench player.

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Of course you don't understand . . . He has lost SO much more than you: His marriage, health, his parents and his children.

His mistake was not making this move years ago when he apparently was not happy enough in his marriage to resist an affair with another woman.

Give him some space. Like he said, he's got his health and family to get in order before he can deal again with you.

You haven't been dumped, you've been prioritized.

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@jespah,

Dear Jespah,
I do have a child and she is my priority, now and always will be. He was a huge part in her life too. WE did things together, as I am a package deal.

I wanted to say thank you for your advice. I appreciated your insight. have not contacted him AND I WON'T. He needs to focus on himself and his family.

The wife wants nothing to do with him and their marriage. She told me herself that she stayed in the miserable marriage for the kids and this is her out. She found out about us on Monday, and moved completely out by that Saturday.

I did ask him if he was reconciling with her, and he adamantly said no and that he loves me and my daughter to death. He told me that their isn't enough time in the day to work, go to the gym (having surgery needs to loose 35lbs or no surgery), spend time with his son, spend time with his parents. Then me. Then sleep. He said honestly, that there isn't enough time in the day.

We never once raised our voices or ever once got mad when the breakup happened. Actually we both cried our eyes out. Last thing he did was he grabbed my hand kissed it and told me how he loved me with all his heart and that he was so sorry.

Do I feel it's totally over? For some strange reason, I don't have that gut feeling that it is over for good. I just don't. But, for now, it is. I won't contact him AT ALL, and decided "to do me" and my daughter.

I love him so much, and kinda took the cliche to heart..."if you love someone set them free, if they come back they were always yours....if they dont they never were".....
Thank you again for your advice...

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@PUNKEY,

Dear Punkey,

Thank you for your advice. I know that I have been prioritized I also know that am not his priority right now. I WILL NOT AND HAVE NOT AND WON'T CONTACT HIM AT ALL.

Do I feel its over for good, no. I dont have that gut reaction that it is. Not sure what will happen, but for now, I am giving him his space and I'm taking it day by day and doing the same.
Thank you again for your advice and insight, it's greatly appreciated.

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Thank you both for your advice.

I'm taking it day by day and having no contact.

Do I feel it's over for good? No I don't. No gut feeling that it is. BUT, for now it is. We will see what happens...

The old cliche,...... if you love something let it go free, if it returns, it was always yours, if it doesn't it never was meant to be....is my mantra right now.

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Hey, it's not easy. Breakups suck, to use the technical term.

But they tend to happen for good reasons. In the meantime, keep your options open and, like I think we're both saying, live your life. Good stuff is out there.

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He did text me yesterday regarding some items we had together and things he is completing. I texted a simple "Thanks". Didn't say a word to him before or after it, and I WON'T.

Yesterday I posted a status update on Facebook and he "liked" it...he never, ever liked my status before, which makes it 1000% bizarre. Not sure what it means or if it means anything. I am comforted that he hasnt deleted/blocked me yet on Facebook, which I thought he would have by now. I have come to the conclusion after much thought, he just does not what to do, or if he knows if he is coming or going or what he wants. Apparently, I am on his mind to some level. What does it mean? Am I looking too deep into this?

I think that he decided to let me go because he really does love me and is protecting me from getting hurt from not being a priority in his life right now. I also feel that what has happened is that our relationship and me are the ONLY things he can control right now as he cant control his children or parents right now. I maybe wrong, but I doubt it. Who knows what or where we will be in 6 months, but right now taking it day by day, In my gut, I don't its over, but just on hiatus. I have my ok times and my awful times. I am focusing on my daughter and me. I just wish I could be angry at him, and stop crying, but I can't.

Once again thank you for any and all advice....

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Dear All:

Update to my drama:

I did not speak to him since Weds. Got a text from him yesterday asking me about my daughter and he was telling me how much he misses my daughter. I kept my answer short, then told me he looks at her pictures everyday. I answered, and again kept my answer short. He then proceeded to tell me that he thinks about me and us everyday and that he misses me and usI answered him that I did too and left it at that and went back to my day. He told me that he was going to go jetskiing. Our texting was from 12-3 pm and at work.

He texted me again at 830-11 pm. Asked me what I was doing etc....we are going back and forth. He again told me he misses me. I told him I did too...

What does this communication mean? Honestly, I didn't hear from him since our break up, I took it as he was done with us and now this. I have never had this happen to me during a break up. When they said that we were over, never heard from them again, so this confuses me 2000%. Not sure what I should do...Do I let it slide? Do I give any merit to this or do I let it go? I have no idea what to do as this hit me for a loop and has totally confused me.

I won't text him today...and I think I will see how this plays out. I just want to tell him I love him, lets work it out and I still want him....

UUUUGGGGHHHH.....

Thank you for you letting me vent, and again any and all advice is greatly appreciated....

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He talked about your daughter and jet skiing - what about the elephant in the kitchen: your relationship?

Ask him if he is ready to talk about what is happening between you two. If he needs more time, then he needs to let you know so you can GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. (Do you realize you have put yourself on "hold" for him?)

I think he now has his freedom from his marriage and doesn't know quite what to do with it. You need to watch what he does very carefully.

BTW - what are his health issues? you said he had to loose weight for surgery.

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@PUNKEY,

Punkey,
Thanks for your input. He said he misses me and us and he is thinking about me everyday. I haven't yet brought that up about needing to talk about what's going between us. I will ask it soon. I haven't heard from him today, but we will see. I HAVEN'T AND WON'T INITIATE CONTACT.

I am just sooooo confused....what should I be watching for?

You are a very sweet person to help me...

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@PUNKEY,

O I'm sorry, he was scheduled to do a bariatric sleeve surgery and needed to loose 10% (35 lbs) of his weight before 8/7 for surgery in October, and he only lost 15. So now he said he will be going to the gym more. So between the gym, mending his relationship with his parents and spending time with his kids, there wasn't enough time in the day for me....

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@klrdvb,

I'd recommend encouraging him to take that time to sort things out on his own.

That means no contact. You may need to block him for a few months.

He's not going to be any use to anyone for a while. He's got a lot to sort out with his children, his health, his parents and finances. Once that's done, he'll be able to sort out what he wants and what he can do.

____

If he'd come here to explain his current situation I'd have told him to sort himself out independently - which means no contact with you until he is able to honestly say he's able to start a new relationship with you.

It's not fair to you or him or any of the children to hang in limbo til he's sorted out.

I'd also have run up his ass for not leaving his marriage before starting a new relationship.

He probably knew this was going to be a mess years ago.

________

You really think you were in an open relationship with him if his wife didn't know? I think you need to reflect on that.

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@klrdvb,

klrdvb wrote:

A year into the affair, we both decided that we were serious and that we were deeply in love and wanted to have our life together. He was in the process of moving out.

4 weeks ago his wife found out about me. He confessed to his wife that we were together and that he loved and wanted to be with me and he was leaving her. His wife and 17 y/o moved 25 miles away.

how do you think he explained being in the process of moving out in the period before his wife found out about you?

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@klrdvb,

klrdvb wrote:

His parents blamed him for the break up (his wife cheated many times, unknown to his parents) and was giving him grief every time they saw him. His children were giving him grief (they do not know she cheated).

you also need to think about this.

he knew she was cheating and didn't end the marriage - the marriage clearly had value to him - perhaps financially, perhaps emotionally - but it's not all as I love him/he loves me/we love each other as you have presented

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@jespah,

and plain old bottom line ... listen to Jespah on this

jespah wrote:

I say, live your life. If he calls, he calls. If he doesn't, then you know where you stand in all of this. Without arguing about how much anybody loves anybody else, the bottom line is, he's right. He does have to concentrate on his family right now. And either things will settle down and he will reconcile with his wife (never mind that she's a cheater, too; this is a red herring) or they will divorce.

Right now, you are a distraction, so you need to back off.

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Dear All:

UPDATE:
He has been texting me since Sunday (I have been too) and things that were said that makes even MORE confused, more the I was before.

But in all reality, I'm done. Stick a fork in me and I'll fall off the bone done. He tells me he loves me, tells me he misses me and my daughter, tells me he thinks about me every day and that he loves me, tells me I have his heart. He said to me he wants to give us a second try and make us work, hopes that I will forgive him. KICKER....he THEN goes on to say that he does want to try and make us work, JUST NOT YET.

Seriously, I'm done. I told him that I do love and miss him too, but he does need to get his head on straight. I also told him that when he does I may not be around to see it.

Still heartbroken and hurting :0(

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@klrdvb,

If you're that done, then the best thing you can do for yourself is to block him, so that he can stop confusing you, and you can start healing.

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Have already done that. Wish he would get his head out of his a**, but I am done. Hurts really bad

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I did block him from Facebook. He called me last night, I kept it short, today he texted me while he was at work. I didn't answer him back. Uggggggg this hurts soooooo bad.

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