Is it proper for my grandsons to open my refrigerator at will?

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I don't know if I'm being overly sensitive, just picky or what. I have 2 grandsons age 7 and 10 and every time they come over they go right to my refrigerator and begin asking for things and eating whatever they can find. I live on Social Security and have a VERY limited grocery budget. Many times they have just eaten, but they still do it. They also go into my bedroom and it makes me nervous because after they leave, I can see they've been in my drawers and other things. I disciplined them once and my daughter in law didn't speak to me for almost a year. It took me a very long time to finely find out from my son that it was because I disciplined the boys. I had them over for dinner, spent a LOT of time making a meal I knew the kids and adults would like and my younger grandson wouldn't eat and kept asking for hamburger. When I said I didn't have any, he said "YES you do!"....(I didn't) What I said was "when you go to someones home to eat, you should eat what's put in front of you." Evidently this made her angry. I have never, EVER given her advice on raising the boys or said anything negative to her at all about disciplining them. I never do that to them or my daughter's children. It's THEIR children and I've already done my job...it's their turn now. That is the only time I've ever said anything, but it was just getting very irritating. We never even got to visit that night because the youngest one grabbed all the attention by wanting things I didn't have.

Maybe it's just me and a different generation, but my children knew NOT to get into other people's things, go into other rooms and NEVER, EVER to open someones refrigerator.....even their grandmother's. It's gotten to where I almost hate to know they are coming over with my son. I live in a senior citizen building and they ran through the halls, went up and down the elevator and ran up and down the stairs. I know because they came back in and told us what they'd been doing and their mom just smiled. There are rules here and that's not allowed but I was afraid to say anything for fear I'd make her mad. I just don't know how to handle this delicately, but I think I have a right to have rules too. What do you all think and how would you handle this? Thank you.

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@godfreygirl143,

Explain to the children very nicely that it is your home, so you get to make the rules there. Their parents get to make the rules for their home, and one day when they get their own home, they will make the rules there.

You have to follow their rules when you visit their home, and they have to follow yours when they visit you. That's completely fair. Of course, if they don't want to be fair, they don't have to visit you. But you hope they will! (Whether you do or not.)

Make it their choice: they can visit you and respect your rules, or don't visit you.

You are absolutely not required to put up with disrespect in your own home.

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@godfreygirl143,

In previous generations, most Grandparents were seen as formidable, and certainly not to be trifled with.
My maternal Grandma (nan) worked in a cotton mill as a girl, and had muscles on her arms like a docker.
I would guestimate that she gave me a good doughboy (clip round the ear) at least twenty or so times over the course of my childhood, and I quickly learned what was, and what was not acceptable behaviour.
I don't think any less of her because of her disciplining me, in actual fact I look back on that with great fondness, and my siblings and I often laugh at what our grandparents used to do in order to keep discipline.
Don't get me wrong, there were many, many laughs as well...

Don't stand for any nonsense and speak straight. They'll appreciate you for it one day.....

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@godfreygirl143,

The problem is not with the kids. The problem is with the parents. If the parents respect your house and your space, then the kids will follow along.

I would sit down with the parents (son and his wife?) and establish house rules for when the children visit. As long as everyone agrees on, and understands, the rules it will be a much better time for everyone.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all to set limits in your own space. You have no obligation to accept things in your house that make you uncomfortable.

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@godfreygirl143,

godfreygirl143 wrote:

I have 2 grandsons age 7 and 10 and every time they come over they go right to my refrigerator and begin asking for things and eating whatever they can find.

This is just plain bad manners and disrespectful.

Quote:

They also go into my bedroom and it makes me nervous because after they leave, I can see they've been in my drawers and other things.

This is worse manners and very disrespectful.

Quote:

I disciplined them once and my daughter in law didn't speak to me for almost a year. It took me a very long time to finely find out from my son that it was because I disciplined the boys.

Quote:

What I said was "when you go to someones home to eat, you should eat what's put in front of you."

If this is "discipline" then it was very mild.

Quote:

Maybe it's just me and a different generation, but my children knew NOT to get into other people's things, go into other rooms and NEVER, EVER to open someones refrigerator.....

I don't think it's a generation thing - politeness and respect for other people possessions, feelings and homes are just as important now as they were in the past.

Quote:

It's gotten to where I almost hate to know they are coming over with my son. I live in a senior citizen building and they ran through the halls, went up and down the elevator and ran up and down the stairs. I know because they came back in and told us what they'd been doing and their mom just smiled. There are rules here and that's not allowed but I was afraid to say anything for fear I'd make her mad. I just don't know how to handle this delicately, but I think I have a right to have rules too. What do you all think and how would you handle this?

Personally I would say to my son "I am sorry but I must ask you not to bring the kids over any more because their behaviour is totally unacceptable and when I have mentioned it no notice was taken" and hope that he at least would care enough to do something about the situation.

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Yes, if the children't can't be or aren't being disciplined, arrange to meet them elsewhere. No way would I or my siblings or my children be allowed to behave like that and I wouldn't tolerate it either.

I don't know if it's generational or not, but it's certainly due to the parents. Just tell your son how you feel and state you could meet at a park or McDonald's or their home. And if your d-i-l doesn't talk to you for a year about it, too damn bad!

I also strongly feel that you shouldn't be worried about your DIL. It's time someone disciplined those kids, and on your turf, it's your option. "We aren't allowed to run up and down the halls in this building, so don't do it." "This is what we're having for dinner tonight and that's it." kind of thing.

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@Mame,

When I was growing up, we always had two choices of entrees.

Take it - or leave it.

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7 and 10?? sounds like a 1 and 4 year old.

The issue is the parenting - not you or your rules.

Talk to your son about your feelings. Apparently the mother of the children sees them doing no wrong.

Can you meet them at McDonald's or somewhere else? There is no obligation to having them in your home.

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@godfreygirl143,

Life is just too short to put up with that which distresses us. It isn't easy to have to alienate one's children, but if the bad behaviour of your grandchildren is distressing to you - and some of it against the rules in your building - then you must stand firm and tell your son that unless the children behave, they are no longer welcome in your home.

Doesn't he realise that you are on a limited grocery budget? If not, then you ought to make him aware of the fact. And cannot he see that it is insensitive and wrong to allow the children to run wild, go through your personal belongings and raid your refrigerator?

I don't think you can handle this delicately. Your daughter-in-law has already caused you distress by refusing to speak to you for a year. I hope your son will be able to cope with the situation, and get his wife to understand that the children need to be made to behave whilst in your home, without her taking offence! I wish you luck - and a happy and peaceful retirement!

1 Reply

@vonny,

I agree with vonny. I first took it - and still do - that the daughter in law has your son under her thumb.

He might need a some liberating, but is likely to side with her, at least at first, as you mentioned that he agreed with her.

I can see that those who suggested meeting elsewhere have a good point - if that's workable. Given that she pouted a year over what seems ordinary good sense on your part, I don't even foresee that happening.

They are going to have more problems on their hands soon enough, when these rapscallions become teens. The parents seem prime material for examples of what not to do in a parenting class.

Of course, we only have your side, but what you tells seems so obviously wise, and, if anything, a mild response to the situation.

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godfreygirl143 - do post and let us know what's happening - hope things are working out for you and your family now.

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@godfreygirl143,

You are not wrong at all in feeling this way about the situation. Sorry to say this but the kids' parents are responsible for way they are being brought up. I would NEVER have my kids doing something like this. It is absolutely wrong for children to even touch others' stuff without asking. Like someone has said here, you could arrange to meet them outside. But please don't blame yourself for anything.

1 Reply

@scarlet01,

That seems a little judgmental, Scarlet.

I don't tell other people how they should raise their children, nor do I appreciate unsolicited advice on how to raise mine. Different parents have different standards (and somehow most of us do alright).

I would say that the OP has the right to set limits in her house, but she should remember that this is her opinion, nothing more. Of course she gets to set the rules in her house, and anyone (child or not) should follow them or they won't get invited. But she doesn't get to tell the parents how to raise their children (actually, as their mother I suppose she does have some right). But, the issue here is the relationship, not a set of "absolute rules" that every parent must enforce.

When you go so far as to say "it is absolutely wrong for children even touch others' stuff without asking", I think you are going a little too far.

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@maxdancona,

maxdancona wrote:

That seems a little judgmental, Scarlet.

UH, NO... she wasn't judgemental at all. Read her post again.

...

I would say that the OP has the right to set limits in her house, but she should remember that this is her opinion, nothing more. Of course she gets to set the rules in her house, and anyone (child or not) should follow them or they won't get invited. B

That's all scarlet was addressing... IN HER HOUSE.

but she doesn't get to tell the parents how to raise their children (actually, as their mother I suppose she does have some right). But, the issue here is the relationship, not a set of "absolute rules" that every parent must enforce.

She didn't say anything about all this. Are you combining posts?

When you go so far as to say "it is absolutely wrong for children even touch others' stuff without asking", I think you are going a little too far.

I disagree. If it's not yours, ask to be allowed to touch it. That shows respect for the other person and their belongings. In a store, if you break it, you buy it. If it's in a house, if it's not yours, ask.

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@maxdancona,

It's not a matter of telling people how to raise children. It's a matter of declaring the results to be unacceptable in her own home. How they came to be the way they are is the issue. Not how they got that way.

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@Mame,

Quote:

Sorry to say this but the kids' parents are responsible for way they are being brought up. I would NEVER have my kids doing something like this. It is absolutely wrong for children to even touch others' stuff without asking

OK, let's all read this again. I am sorry to say this, but anyone who starts a statement with the words "sorry to say this" is being judgmental.

She is not talking about this specific situation. She is talking about what is "absolute wrong" for children to do.

She is saying what she would NEVER (her caps, not mine) have HER (my caps) kids doing. She isn't saying that this is a difference of opinion here that each side should accept. She blames the parents for something she clearly thinks is unacceptable.

She is making a blanket statement about what children (and by implication their parents) should or shouldn't do.

I don't buy it.

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@maxdancona,

Again the point is that these parents have the right to raise their children as they see fit. There are many different parenting styles, and most of us come out okay with each of them.

The OP has the right to set the rules of the house, and she has the right to decide who can come to her house. But the key is the relationship that needs to be worked out from both sides.

If my children's grandmother tells me politely that she doesn't want my children opening the refrigerator at her house, I will listen respectfully and work something out. Probably I will talk to my children about the rule and I will make sure that my children have enough to eat. It is best to work out differences with mutual respect.

But if someone claimed what my kids did was "absolute wrong" and stated they would "NEVER have their kids doing something like this", I will tell them to buzz off.

1 Reply

@roger,

roger wrote:

When I was growing up, we always had two choices of entrees.

Take it - or leave it.

Mmmmmm .... "take it" was my favorite!

The little darlings sound spoiled, lacking discipline. Like others have said, this is not their fault, but the fault of the parents. Vonny has made some very good points. Maxdancona, not so much.

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@maxdancona,

Well, the OP might have said "absolute wrong", but I didn't. And you're being rather picayune about this. The point is: should anyone be allowed to open fridges and doors, etc. (in other words, act like they live there) in someone else's home? No. Absolutely not. It's disrespectful and rude, no matter who's doing it.

Period.

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@Mame,

No Mame. This is your opinion, nothing more. You don't get to impose your opinion on other people. Sorry.

Your family has one set of rules. My family has another. Different families have different rules and different cultures have different rules. You don't get to say what is "disrespectful and rude" for other people.

Family relationships work when people listen to each other and accept their differences. You can't do this if you talk in absolutes.

I am just suggesting that differences of opinion, such as the one the OP wrote about, are best handled by communicating one's needs without passing judgment. The point is that the relationship is more important than being "right". The OP doesn't have to question the parenting skills of her guests, she just has to respectfully express what she needs when they visit so they can work it out.

I don't see what is so hard about that.

1 Reply

Is it proper for my grandsons to open my refrigerator at will?

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