Should I be ok with my wife having e-mail communication with her ex?

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I'm 30, she's 32, and we got married almost a year ago here in Chicago. We met in New York 3 year ago and while in New York she was working as a manager at a retail job that had ties to London. Before we had met she visited London on work trips and before that she did a long euro trip with her girlfriend.

Basically, what I know about her ex is that they lived together during some time period while she was visiting London, and that they went through some intense time together, which is why they are still friends.

The whole thing ended though because he didn't really want to commit to anything. It sounded like he may have even been in New York for a period of time and met some of her friends. I never heard any of her friends bring him but the friendships on Facebook suggest that they may have met.

So when we were first dating he called her while we were at a bar and I kind of flipped out about the whole thing. She didn't understand why and basically took the attitude that she can be friends with whoever she wants. Later though he ended up dating a girl and breaking off communication for her. That's when she agreed with me that his intentions were tainted and didn't want anything to do with him.

I thought this story was over till yesterday I was using my wife's phone and in the notification bar I saw that she had an e-mail from him. I asked her about it and I clicked on the notification while standing next to her and looked at his e-mail. It started with "hi (insert cutesy name here)" and went to talk about how he was out drinking and relaxing and some other garbage. Small talk really but it bothered me.

She was annoyed at first but then later accepted my frustration and said that she occasionally gets these types of e-mails from random people and it's no big thing. They just have nothing better to do. After asking about his gf my wife admitted that they are no longer together and he is starting something up with another girl. I reminded my wife that his lack of communication over a gf is the reason why she stopped talking to him in the first place but she found it to be no big deal.

I know we have been married for a year but it still bothers me. Our marriage is pretty rocky too since we are not exactly the perfect fit, but we still love each other. It's been hard compromising between her lifestyle and mine since I'm a programmer going to grad school and in the middle of a 6-month to hire contract, and all she wants to do is get amped up on coffee and go out each night to drink, which takes a toll on my ability to study.

We have the same long-term goals but she keeps making these same mistakes. I just feel like she is unstable and puts her emotions first. I mean she currently weighs 50 pounds more than me and this morning she ordered pancakes again when we went out to breakfast. Our love life stinks because of this but we love each other enough to continue on despite that. I've let her know before that her weight bothers me in the nicest way I can but these conversation usually don't ever go as well as I had hoped. She knows she needs to do something about her weight but then she goes back to making absent-minded decisions.

Anyway, I'm finding our marriage somewhat vulnerable at the moment and I know she had strong feelings for this guy before. What should I do?

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@obrekj,

well i had no time to read all that, but here is my answer.
if there is a good reason for that like if they work together and need to email about work , then it's ok and you don't need to worry, but if there is no reason like that then she shouldn't have his email or anything,

1 Reply

@maximalneraffee,

I'm wondering if men and women have different opinions on this since men tend to be more territorial, and most women don't even know that men are hitting on them. They just assume that most male friends actually just want to be friends.

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@obrekj,

thats true it's obvious , if a man want to be a friend with a girl then it's just cause he wants more, there is no discussion about it

1 Reply

@obrekj,

Quote:

They just assume that most male friends actually just want to **** them, and they love the ego boost

fixed

1 Reply

@maximalneraffee,

Max - I think you miss the absolute obvious - it takes two to tango. And it's not about him, but about whether or not you trust your wife, and whether or not she is trustworthy.

That said - if it's just email contact - that doesn't make sense (unless the email exchange exists only for swapping funny photos etc). People are either friends, or they aren't. They are either trustworthy, or they aren't.

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@hawkeye10,

Do you think it's just for the ego boost or could she be looking for something more as well? There are so many times I've kept communication with women to a minimum or kept my eye off of a girl to not offend her. It's really frustrating that she wouldn't spare me my feelings by breaking off communication with this guy. How much does this really mean to her?

1 Reply

@obrekj,

First the title of your posting is on it face troublesome IE:should I allow my wife to e-mail her ex boyfriend!!!!!!!

Sorry I misread the title from should I allow to should I be OK with and that is a little better to say the least. But most of my comments still apply so I will not re-write the whole post. Work on your marriage and get it solid and then the email would not matter.

You got to be kidding me as I for example do not get to allow or disallow any communication with anyone my wife would care to communicate with.

Nor does she get to tell me who I could talk to for that matter.

So at least the title of your thread indicate that your viewpoint of marriage is not all that mature.

Now if I did have a problem with my wife talking to someone I could see sharing my feelings with her and asking her as a favor to me to not have an ongoing email relationship with whoever but whether she grant that request would be up to her.

To me you need to work on your marriage and get to the point that the relationship is solid enough you would not care if an old boyfriend is keeping in touch with her by way of email or facebook.

Hell while he was still alive my wife ex-husband would try to stir trouble by sending her flowers once in the blue moon on mother day/birthday or whatever however my marriage was solid enough that it amused me as there was no question in my mind that my wife love me and the ex-husband was in the far past.

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@obrekj,

ego boost, maybe too trying to rationalize away doing anything about her weight...."i am still desired so I dont need to work on it".

Quote:

It's really frustrating that she wouldn't spare me my feelings by breaking off communication with this guy

acting this weak is not attractive to women. let it go, dont worry about this guy, just concentrate on working on making your marriage better.

Quote:

There are so many times I've kept communication with women to a minimum or kept my eye off of a girl to not offend her.

smart move. men and women are not the same, double standards for behavior exists all over the place. know your woman though, for instance my wife is fine with me not only looking at and talking to other women, but ******* them too. there are good standard rules for how to treat women, but each woman is her own person and that needs to be respected. the are no short cuts to learning up on your wife. that will not happen at A2K though.

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@BillRM,

I changed the title since that's not what I originally meant. I can't control my wife, but I can control how much I'm willing to let her get away with. For example, I can get a divorce, however, I'm trying to avoid that. Anyway, the one-way of sending flowers is not the same as two-way e-mail communication.

I honestly don't know how trustworthy she is. When she talks about stuff she has no problems embellishing things sometimes to the point of becoming a lie. I remember when we were first dating in New York I was waiting for her to get off of work and the mail guy came in. I don't know how we go into this conversation but it was about cheating.

He was of the mindset that if you are going to cheat on someone you break up with them first, but she took the attitude that no one is a saint. However, that's the only time she held that mindset, and once we started getting more serious she was purely anti-cheating.

She has a girls-night-out clan that she hangs out with that I'm ok with. But a week or two ago I went out with them for the first time and one of the girl's brothers was there. He basically pointed out that the last time he hung out with them that my wife is quite the partier. He also asked when we got married. And then said that was before we were married. Then his justification for asking about us being married was he was sure how to refer to something as. I don't know if he was talking about our last name or what, because at this point I was kind of a deer in headlights, confused. It was all quite strange but it didn't seem to bother my wife. She just laughed and asked, "why are you blowing up my spot".

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@obrekj,

i am reading that this thread and you being concerned about this guy is a symptom of a gut feeling that your marriage is weak. it probably is.

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

This is frustrating. I can't change the way she is. I keep nudging her in a more positive direction towards the same long-term goals she has. She wants a house and kids just like I do, but she completely lacks the self-control to see it through. And she is completely unapologetic about her binge drinking. For **** sake I'm going to grad school and working full-time in my first IT job, yet she always puts her desires first. She's happy about the money I will be making but she can't adjust her lifestyle to help me out even though it will benefit her in the long run.

1 Reply

@obrekj,

Quote:

Anyway, the one-way of sending flowers is not the same as two-way e-mail communication.

They have two adopted daughters together so they did talk from time to time also.

1 Reply

@BillRM,

Ok, so I'm into year one with my marriage and your all probably right. My marriage is just weak. What can I do? I don't understand how someone who seemingly has the same values as me can take such careless actions. One thing is apparent though, her health doesn't matter to as much to her as it does to me. If she was single she wouldn't think twice about getting drunk tonight. Also, the fact that she is not in New York makes her fearful of me leaving. I think she mostly cares about being alone and not me leaving her.

What's the solution? Do I try to pressure he into marriage counseling? Do I explain to her yet again me fear of the consequences of this lifestyle? Do I begin to consider divorce? Are we really too different for each other? I'm so lost...

1 Reply

@obrekj,

obrekj wrote:

This is frustrating. I can't change the way she is. I keep nudging her in a more positive direction towards the same long-term goals she has. She wants a house and kids just like I do, but she completely lacks the self-control to see it through. And she is completely unapologetic about her binge drinking. For **** sake I'm going to grad school and working full-time in my first IT job, yet she always puts her desires first. She's happy about the money I will be making but she can't adjust her lifestyle to help me out even though it will benefit her in the long run.

why would you pick a woman who will never put you first and tends to be self destructive thus who almost certainly will not have either the ability or the inclination to build with you a strong marriage ? is she the first one who would have you? are you self loathing? do you get your kicks out of playing with dynamite?

1 Reply

@hawkeye10,

She's my first.. I'm a quiet, extremely anxious individual. I'm still working at this but I don't think certain aspects of me will change anytime soon. I'm the guy who can't keep eye contact with you during a party while we talk because I'm too nervous being around so many people. Even after living in the crowded city of New York and going out to clubs and parties I'm still a nervous wreck.

She knows all of my weaknesses and accepts me for who I am. I didn't think that woman would find me strong enough or interesting enough to create a future with. Hell, the only thing I know how to talk about it what is wrong with me. There is pretty little going on in this head of mine worth talking about. But she somehow found value in me. There were times I thought that she might just be in it long-term for the money, but I think she genuinely loves me. She does really seem to care.

1 Reply

@obrekj,

Ok at roughly your age I decided to get marriage and perhaps start a family.

I picked a woman that seems to have it all together and sadly found that not to be the case and needed bail out in less then a year a great deal poorer an very untrusting as far as relationships are concern.

My wife I knew for one hell of a long time before we got married.

Perhaps you did not know your wife long enough before you married her however pulling the plug is never an action to do lightly and I think now that you are married to her you should give it one hell of a good try before filing papers as it will mark you for many years or in my case decades.

The email friend of your wife is not your problem your relationship with your wife is and I have two suggestion get counselling for the two of you and be sure not to have her become pregnant until you have a better idea of the outcome of the marriage.

By the way focus more on the aspects of your wife that you fell in love with instead of the aspects that annoy you.

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@obrekj,

Quote:

. But she somehow found value in me.

or a place to park temporarily. you best get moving on figuring her out, as this sounds too much like stories i have heard too often about guys getting used and then run over, far too often leaving the guys too bitter towards women to ever successfully mate.

i dont know about her of course, but your story is concerning.

Quote:

But she somehow found value in me. There were times I thought that she might just be in it long-term for the money, but I think she genuinely loves me. She does really seem to care.

the story you are selling is that you might be a glorified pity ****....you "think" she loves you?? that would have been a good thing to nail down before you married her.

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Wow . . she sounds like an attention seeker with a food, caffeine and alcohol addiction. . . and bored!!

You sound like you are pretty intense and have social anxiety and are in the middle of career development that takes time and concentration.

Not a good combination.

How long did you date? What is her long term career goal?

You two need counseling. She seems to irritate you.

PS Her conversations with the ex sound harmless, but do show her need to fill her attention seeking personality.

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@obrekj,

It's up to you to decide what you're ok with, not for us decide for you.

You're very open and specific with what you don't like about your wife as a person, or what she does, even down to what she's supposed to order for breakfast.

You randomly throw in a few times that you love her or love her "despite" all these shortcomings.

I'd like you to be just as specific as to why and what you love about your wife, since we already know that you don't love or even like many many things about her.

From your current laundry list, I'd say do everyone concerned a favor and get a divorce.

Tell us what you Do even like about this woman, let alone love her.

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Should I be ok with my wife having e-mail communication with her ex?

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