My wife has feeling for another man. Please help at my wits end...

Well done Pearlylustre on pointing out that counselor shave a one track work on it mind. To work on a relationship which is futile is futile in itself. If they advocated ending a relationship then their core role would be contradicted ey. Again well put.

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Good responses but mine are usually not the norm so here I go.

It is normal for a guy to fear, dread, and refuse counseling. Therefore you must refuse counseling as there is a reason we would feel like that. Counseling is a damaging endeavour for a man's pride and ego. Academia and spiritual realms downplay the importance of a male's pride and usually we have every reason to feel this way toward counseling. And usually when counseling is initiated it is at a futile stage in the relationship. Which indeed it clearly is. This sort of stuff I refer to in my book.

You pointed out clear cracks at the start of the relationship. These cracks do not go away and your dutiful action of taking a sort of oath to not leave her early on is unreasonable in today's selfish needs (as a good and essential condition) oriented world. One of the reasons why we have a good standard of living and not like in the Middle Ages.

There were things which attracted you to her from the start and visa versa. Those values you and her saw have faded over time and is a regular occurrence especially when married younger as your frontal lobe continues to develop by age 30. But structural relationship flaws were evident in your case. Individual event examples I read all the time but the answered are evident in the examples themselves. You and her have lost real love for each other, and this must involve sex. It is an evil act on the soul of a human to withhold and not seek sex from your partner. And the rationale used in your question to stay and work at is a condition of valuing companionship and security in the relationship versus love anymore. It does sound futile in your question. It's up to you whether you value the companionship or do you think you need to be free and flourish as we have a right to pursue.

How could I advocate you splitting one may ask? Well, stay and live miserably as you dreadfully say with a suffering consequence and possible escalation in mental health exposure. Or get out of such misery and find happiness where it could improve your wellbeing and hers by the looks. By her resisting if you choose to go is probably her own duty and sacrifice ethics at work which will continue to impact her wellbeing negatively also. Can you really love someone you aren't sure you love fully, a combination of values in the other which You can't bare loosing. And not being able to either initiate sex in a young couple is evidence to the no love side. Libidos might be low with you guys but a change to the magnitude you express signals the common clique as 'he/she is not into you.

Your decision as it's your volition. Always good to hear and read from others ey.

I can only speak as a friend of a girl that is in a same situation like your wife... and as a girlfriend (in a relationship).

I know you love her and sometimes you might get scared. And yes it does feel scary at times. But what I can only recommend is to remember your worth.

If she never had feelings for you as she said, how dare she marrying you! You deserve more than that. You don't deserve to get married out of pity. What I hope you will remember is that, it doesn't matter if you are not perfect, fat, poor, or whatever. It does not change the fact that you have worth. You are a human being worthy of love and respect... of at least respect.

I can see that you are acting desperate (which is normal because you are scared/devastated and now feeling low self esteem), and trust me that us women can smell the desperation (just like how men smell desperation) from the opposite sex. And we know, desperation is not sexy. Desperation is repulsive. Desperation is not attractive. So what I recommend is stop doing things because you need her to make you feel that she still loves you. If you can't stop, distance yourself from her. You don't need to leave the house, just try to distance yourself from her (like when you are angry on someone). Don't try to touch her. Don't try to talk to her. If you feel repulsed that she is touching you, tell her please stop. Like if I find out my bf is only doing things he does out of pity for me, I will definitely feel repulsed by him and his actions and ask him to stop caressing me or whatever. I don't deserve his pity. I deserve love.

Distance yourself because you believe you have your own worth. Distance yourself, not because you want to make her feel bad but because you want to stabilize yourself first so you can stop being "needy". Distance yourself because you love her and you want to again start things for/to her because you love her and not because you need her to respond to you. Distance yourself because you love and respect yourself. Because it doesn't feel good to be needy and desperate. You need time to refresh and remind yourself that you have your own worth. And if she cannot see it, that is her problem--and she has to work on it on her own.

Improve on yourself not for her, but for you. Because you want a healthy body, you want to be financially stable, you want to be happier. And trust me, if you can truly love yourself--that is, respect yourself (that includes not accepting "loving" caresses out of pity from her), if you can truly accept and want good things for yourself (not because you want to please her), she will love you back. And if she doesn't, then it really is her loss... If she doesn't, don't worry; you will be okay because you know that there is at least one person who loves and respects you and that is you.