Divorce?

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I'm in a tough place right now with my marriage. I have been married for just over 16 years and things are falling to pieces. Of course since there are 2 of us in this marriage we see things differently. I will try and give a brief listing of the problems as I see them. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just a place to complain.

The way things are looking right now, I have moved ( or was moved) to the back room of our house since the beginning of August.

For me it culminated in a business trip I took my wife on. Now I did not have to take her but did so due to the state of our marriage. I saw this as an opportunity for us to start a healing process. Instead of spending time together she wanted to spend all the time we had with a friend of her's she had not seen in years. I expressed my displeasure with this setup, but I was seen as the bad guy for interfering with their reunion. I will admit I was angry on the way home and yelled a bit but I wanted her to know that I was not happy.

Her biggest complaint is that I have an anger issue. This might be true but there is good reason. I have been a loving husband for over 16 years. I have dealt with a spouse that had no trust in me when it came to being outside the home. She has always had a deep fear of me cheating on her even though I have never cheated or her. (She has always cheated on boyfriends until she met me, or so she says) From the time we were married she has always had a fear of my cheating and this reflected in my treatment. If someone called the house and hung up she would think it was a women calling for me, if we were watching a movie and a nude scene came on I was expected to turn my head or fast forward the scene. If I was driving down the street and had been looking in the direction of a woman, I would be in trouble for "looking around". You know the whole lust in my heart thing. I have been told that I can't be a good man of the house unless I accept Jesus. I'm not going to say I lived in fear, but I didn't want to cause any issues and or fights. Things got so bad that if I changed the channel on the TV or a webpage on my PC, she would think I was looking at things she didn't think I should be looking at, and it would cause a fight. I'm not going to say I'm innocent in all of this, but I stopped taking her **** when I was moved out of the bedroom. Since then I have a "I don't care what you think attitude" and I have started watching tv shows she doesn't like. I'm almost 40 years old and I'm done being controlled by a spouse who only seems to think of herself.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. Do I contiue to live in the back room, move out, or just makes life difficult till she wants to file?

I have been on this site for many years now and have not really talked about my home life. I'm hoping my A2K family can help me out or something.

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@Baldimo,

Baldimo wrote:

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just a place to complain.

It can be both.

I'm really sorry to hear that things aren't going well with your relationship. That's just always tough.

Are either/both of you open to the idea of talking to someone else about the relationship - either together or separately?

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@Baldimo,

I'm not much on this kind of advice, but it's clearly over. It's time to see the lawyer, without waiting for her to do so. You certainly gain nothing by crowding her into filing first, and keep in mind that she might have something in progress already.

I would not suggest an attempt at reconciliation. In this case, I believe it would only prolong the agony.

Sorry I can't be more helpful.

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@Baldimo,

Baldimo - I think this is a giant thicket you don't need, when you are beginning to see yourself as yourself. Maybe you always did, but you've probably been stiffleing.
Me, I say move out with legal counsel. File soon.

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Get out while you are young enough to find a life mate and have some years of happiness, would be my thought.

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@Baldimo,

From what you just wrote, your wife sounds very insecure and also very inflexible. I've no idea what her accounting of this would be, but it sounds unworkable for you.

I won't repeat what has been echoed by others so far. FWIW, I think it's time to bail. Get a lawyer and be as civil (but firm where appropriate) as possible in the process.

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@Baldimo,

I'm going to give a slightly different suggestion purely based on one comment you made. But first, you would need to ask yourself a question.

Do you still love her and would you like to try to save the marriage? If your answer is no, then you are smart enough to know what to do. I'm a believer in doing everything possible to save a marriage prior to walking away. So if your answer to the question is yes, you do still love her and would still like to save the marriage, then you might try one last thing.

You wrote

Quote:

I have been told that I can't be a good man of the house unless I accept Jesus

Based simply on that, I will make the assumption that she considers herself a Christian. As such, she may be open to counseling with her minister in order to keep the marriage together. If her minister follows sound Christian doctrine, then he will not be taking one side or the other but working with both of you to help make the marriage work, whether you accept Jesus as savior or not. And she may be more willing to agree to seeing him and accepting his counsel than she would someone else's.

Anyway, it is just a thought solely based on the one comment and I could be wrong about her faith. In any case, I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide to do.

1 Reply

@Baldimo,

Do you have kids?

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@DrewDad,

Yes I do indeed have kids. 2 boys age 12 and 15.

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@Baldimo,

I'm so sorry to be reading this.

No matter what happens, it certainly sucks. Feel free to vent away.

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I'm sorry your home life is such a struggle, Baldimo. Yes, she'll have her side of the story, but more to the point - if neither of you is able to see a way forward with both of you feeling good about the relationship then it's over.

No one should stay in a hopeless and/or loveless relationship.

That said, however, the impact that your staying or leaving will have on any children at home must be considered.

Wishing you well in whatever decisions you make.

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@Baldimo,

That definitely complicates matters.

IMO, a marriage cannot be fixed by only one participant; it takes both people working like mad to change the patterns of the marriage.

The question is, are you both willing to do that? If so, then you might save the marriage.

I suggest you look into the books by John Gottman. Particularly this one: The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships.

If you decide to pursue marriage counseling, then make sure the counselor is familiar with Gottman's research.

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wheres she at now? She sounds like fun Smile

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@Baldimo,

Hi Baldimo, I am at the tail end of a very similar story. My wife was also Christian and her inflexible ideas on how things had to be were a part of the problem (she was upset that I let our children celebrate Halloween). Of course, it is never just one thing, but I sympathize with how you are feeling.

I also decided I wasn't going to keep bending over backward for her beliefs. I first moved into the living room, at that point I was truly trying to find a way to make things work. After 4 months of this, I moved out to my own place.

If I can give any advice from my experience, it is act quickly and decisively. The more you dither, the harder it will be for both of you. I asked my wife to go to counseling with me (I think this was a good thing to do). She refused, and after a few more fights I finally decided it was time to move on.

It took me a long time... too long, to file for divorce (in our case there was another issue that complicated things, but waiting was certainly a big mistake).

The other really important thing is to make sure you are decent about the children. One of the best things my wife and I both did during this process is to say up front that it isn't the kid's fault, and that both of us would keep the kids out of this. My wife and I have both done a good job with this.

We have our trial in October, we are trying to use a mediator to come up with an amicable settlement. I am grateful that our kids are doing OK and that both of us are at least being decent in this regard.

In my case, filing for a divorce was the best thing for all involved because it stopped the games and let us focus on healing. I should have filed as soon as it was clear the marriage wasn't going to work.

Best of luck. There is life after divorce.

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@CoastalRat,

CoastalRat, I have to disagree with your idea of talking to a Christian minister.

If your spouse's drinking were causing a problem in your marriage, you wouldn't want the bartender to do the counseling, would you?

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Talk about prolonging the agony. This thread is a year and a half old.

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@roger,

You are telling me. We just had our first court date last week. I moved out in Nov. and I have been living with a buddy of mine ever since.

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@Baldimo,

Damn! I was hoping it was all resolved one way or the other by now.

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shes a free agent? tell this hottie to come party with me

1 Reply

@Mazzz27,

I'm sure she would love this invite. Rolling Eyes

1 Reply

Divorce?

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