Mental Decline & Dependency/Coping With Aging Loved Ones

Walter--

Sometimes being the only family member with an accurate memory can be hell--but there always are amusing sidebars.

I hope that your aunt's subconscious was noting that her subconscious efforts were being taken very, very seriously by you, by your mother and by the police.

The nurse doesn't sound particularly soothing for two rattled and vulnerable old women, but this is a crazy-making world.

At least the "poltergeists" are fleeing rather than attacking.

Hold your dominion.

My aunt douesn't get one (she refuses a medical examination to get that .... free, for her).

My mother is visted by nurses (paid partly by the health insurances, more than half by herself), twice: in the morning (washing etc, medication) and in the evening (though she goes to bed later alone/with the help of my aunt).

At noon, she gets her medication from a nurse, paid by (a different branch of the health insurance, on prescription).

Thus, we are sure, that both(!) are looked at and we would be notified (via the journal) if something had happened.

It's good that someone makes sure she's taking her medication. It's also reasuring that someone checks on them both everyday. I wish we had that for my mother.

I'm there as well - cooking, letters, bank, etc etc - daily, on a 7/7 basis, at least two hours/day, sometimes more than once daily (mostly with my wife, who does the washing and ironing ... here, at ours).

Here, such is part of the health insurance - from totally free (for those, who have none or few income) up to .... everything above 380 EUR (= $ 480) per month (depends on income).

The giving of medication by nurses is free for all, since it's on prescrition by your family doctor.

I recall when my dad was in the nursing home in Florida suffering from dementia. I went to visit him shortly before he died and he seemed distressed.

"What's wrong dad?" I asked.

"Nick, I did a bad thing. I jumped the fence today and stole a car. Then I drove to Massachusetts".

I looked at his emaciated frame in the wheelchair. It seemed unlikely that he jumped the fence, drove from Florda to Massachusetts and back all before noon. Nonetheless, I reassured him.

"I spoke to the nurses and everything is OK dad."

He was noticeably relieved. "Thank God for that", he replied.

I miss you dad.

Walter, I'm sorry I'm late getting here. I couldnt get the link from your email to work at first.

I am so sorry you are having even MORE trouble with mother and aunt.

You and Mrs W do everything you can for them...perhaps too much. I know (you know) that dementia plays terrible tricks with the mind.

It really is awful sometimes because they say the most bizarre things...and they mean it...and its someone you know and love all your life...

and its complete rubbish...or its part complete rubbish, and you have to work out whats going on. You are far too sensible and intelligent to have to be told this, but I say it anyway...remember to LOOK AFTER YOURSELF.

That is what my mother your mother and your aunt would say IF they could see things clearly.


NickFun. Your post above brought a tear to my eye. Bizarre stories of doing wrong or mixtures of dream,reality and complete fantasy seem pretty common. Best wishes to you.

Mother's birthday today - really nice! Drove to a restaurant, with my aunt, mother's friend and two of her cousins (one drove up 400km).

Average age: 71 :wink:

You being 18 really brought down the average :wink:

so Mother was not required to drive...being her birthday

Happy birthday Mrs Walter senior...look after your son, he is a good man.

Walter.. only 400 km? thats not really a journey for you

Where did you go ?

That's my aunt, mother's cousin, who drove here (actually at first to her birthplace and then here) and today back to southern Germany: 82 years old.

I drove them only 10 miles to the restaurant (in the other spa town south of Lippstadt, that with the thorn salinas).

I've just now seen this update, Walter. I know it's hard to watch the decline. Regardless of her health issues, your mother is lucky to have you for a son. I agree with Steve 41oo, be sure that you and Mrs W are tending to your own needs as well.

Thanks to all - and 'yes', we've arranged with the situation = we do'nt forget us.

this is what the "old salts " used to say :
"one hand for the ship , one hand for yourself" .

the way i understand it , if the sailor didn't hang on when working the rigging , he might to fall into the ocean ; so he neither helped the ship nor himself by not holding on .
walter : is that about right ?
hbg

I've come to realize in the past weeks that my mom has crossed an invisible line. She's 97 and has survived her husband an two of her eight children. Since my brother's death in July, she has become much more fragile both in body and mind. I don't think she will live to be 100. I was sure she would before.

She still lives alone in her own apartment. It's not a retirement home, just a regular apartment. I would have liked her to move to an assisted living facility. We tried to convince her to move but she was adamently opposed. Now I think any move would probably kill her.

We're beefing up the at home care. She doesn't need a nurse, but I'm concerned that she tries to do things that she shouldn't. Thursday I stopped in to find her trying to put the storm window in her back door. It was a good thing I came when I did because she was never going to get that thing in. Her balance is very poor. She could have dropped it and cut herself on the shards.

My sister told me she stopped in one day to find her up on a step stool trying to hang curtains. Again she wasn't able to do it and was lucky someone came to her rescue.

She stubbornly does her own laundry, although she has to carry a basket full of clothes up and down a flight of poorly lit stairs. The washer broke last week, so I convinced her to let me take over he duty. She reluctantly agreed, but now that the landlord replaced the machine, she wants to go back to doing her own laundry. I will put my foot down.

I once admired her spunk, but now I think she's just lost her judgement.

Same here. Both her doctors (family doctor and neurologist), agree that it would be the best for her .... from our point of view.
And we agree that there's a 50% chance, such a move would help her so much that she really could a long, satisfying life.

No-one wants to do it (now), however, because of the other 50% - it would kill her within days, I'm rather sure.




Same here, too - only my mother is 10 years younger.

It's really hard to watch her decline, Walter. I know I'm following her wishes, but I know that eventually she's going to fall and break her hip and then a nursing home will be the only option.

My sister's mother-in-law just died last week. She was 94. She lived at home with her son. She fell, broke her hip and died within a month after going to a home.

I suppose, such might happen with my mother, too.

On the other hand:
- if something happens to her sister (my aunt) and she's alone in that big house ...
- if something happens to her friend (a little less than a year older, but - more or less- still fit like in her 60's) - that would be even worse (because she would loose her "aim" to be like her)

For me all this is especially hard, because everything I do is totally opposite to any advice I would give others based on my professional experiences and knowledge.

What would that advice be, Walter?

Well, she should have gone to some kind of nursing home, get a 24/24 care at home or similar.

Such is not only the best for the elder persons but for their family as well.

And I honestly believe that even the worst home (or whatever 'institution' it might be) is better than staying at home (alone), since there's at least some kind of professional stuff, who care for them as part of their work, on regulated schedules, - and not because they are the child, who can be phoned any time, has to do what mother says, get's a guilty conscience ...

---------------

My "excuse" is that we (my wife and I) thought we knew what we would get involved with.
And objectively looked at it: we really did.

But we never had personally experienced the "subjective part of it", especially not in certain moments ...