.... i lvoe him- but i look around and i really ahve no intention of leaving my home- ....
There's your answer.
As they say, **** or get off the pot.
Stay with your husband and work to make your marriage work. Or leave, thereby giving him a chance to actually have a decent life with someone who might love him (or at least a life free of deception) and try (or not) with John.
But where you are right now, like you said, is upsetting you.
It's also damned convenient, when you've got your cake and are eating it, too, eh?
You're now jealous that John's got someone else. But you really don't have the right to be jealous, now, don't you think? I mean, consider this - you have had a husband during most of this relationship. And now
you're getting upset because your paramour might have something substantial going on in his life?
I think you're playing the victim card, e. g. "none of us deserve this". Nope, you deserve this, and so does John. The innocent parties in this are neither you nor him.
Own up to what's been happening, and talk to your husband. I bet he's got a damned good idea of what's been going on.
Once again - why stay? It's convenient, it's easy, yadda yadda yadda.
It's also inertia.
Want to really have love?
Then go big and go without a safety net like the rest of us.
You win, you lose, you succeed or you fail. But life also stops being half-assed, and you can have some self-respect about your choices.