Chai, she might've thought she didn't wanna be found 13 years ago but she might change her mind after she sees me. If she meets me and still doesn't want me then I'll leave her alone. I won't bother her anymore. I just want her to give me a chance, that's all
This is going to be tough for you to hear Gracie...
Do you think that 13 years ago she thought "I don't want to be found" and has never reevalutated that thought in all that time? If indeed she did even think "I don't want to be found" believe me, she's thought about it since hundreds of times.
You want to her to give you a chance, but what if she doesn't want to give you one? Yeah, that sounds mean, but what if that's how it is?
Think about this for a moment...you don't know where she is, but she knows exactly where you, and your brother and sister have been all this time.
Anyway, it isn't as if you are going to find her address, and just show up at her door. Maybe you haven't thought out the whole process of what would happen if you suddenly had her address in your hands. You would write to her, correct?
She might write back and say she would like to meet you. That would be lovely.
What if she chose not to repond to you at all? Or didn't write back immediately? Getting a letter from you, after 13 years, will totally change her world. Even if she wanted to write back, it might take her weeks, months even, to be able to put it down on paper.
Even if she was thrilled to get a letter from you, I doubt she would be capable of just picking up a pen and sending off a return letter immediately. You know how much you're thinking about this, and for how long, and how confusing it's been? Years, right? And only now you're thinking of looking for her, and it's going to be quite some time before you start searching. Lots and lots of time has gone by where you've been able to get used to the idea of "I'm looking for my mother"
On her end, she opens the mailbox one day, and all the thoughts you've been having for years are suddenly, in one moment, in her hands.
Or, if you were thinking of picking up the phone and calling her? Oh my God, can you imagine answering the phone and hearing the voice of someone who couldn't even talk the last time you saw them? How could she even know what to say at that second?
You know, your mom knows that this day was going to come. But that may not make it any easier at that second if she hears "Hi mom, it's Gracie"
I know you want her to say that she wants to get together, talk, get to know you, but you might just get shocked silence, and whatever you are saying to her isn't even entering her brain. She may completely zone out, unable to think for awhile.
Gracie, this is part of why we're all asking you to take this slow, talk to your dad, etc. etc. This is a process, and should take much more time than you can understand.